Like many ex-Jehovah’s Witnesses, members of my family will soon be attending the 2016 convention entitled “Remain Loyal to Jehovah.”
Dubbed #worstconventionever by many in the ex-JW community, this convention features a number of videos and talks that will serve to further indoctrinate Watchtower’s followers and cause family strife.
Starting today, July 1 2016, my parents will attend the convention in the American Midwest. This afternoon, they will see a video that portrays a fictional character name Sonja who is disfellowshipped after she starts a romantic relationship with a nonbeliever she meets at work. This video shows the parents forcing Sonja out her family home and cutting all ties with her (even ignoring her phone calls) for fifteen years until she decides to seek reinstatement in the organization and is part part of a talk entitled “Shun Unrepentant Wrongdoers.”
I personally have a lot in common with Sonja. As a born-in Witness who left the organization without remorse, I have felt the sting of total shunning. My parents and only sister refuse to be a part of my life and by extension that of my daughter. Like Sonja, I have had to make a life of my own. Due to the fact that I refuse to follow the edicts of the Governing Body, I have been made an outcast by those who should love me most in this world.
Over the past fourteen years (one less than Sonja) I have had to come to terms with the fact that my family members truly are the victims of undue influence and may never be free of Watchtower’s grasp. Through a great deal of reading on websites like JWSurvey and JWFacts, and in books like Combating Cult Mind Control by Steven Hassan I have come to understand that Watchtower is a harmful controlling group that will stop at nothing to gain and keep its followers. It is clear to me that this year’s convention is one step further in their efforts to control the thoughts and behaviors of Jehovah’s Witnesses worldwide. Indeed, this talk also appears to tighten the rules on dealing with so-called faders, making it even harder to leave the Organisation with one’s family ties intact.
For many ex-JWs, the commands of this talk, both direct and implied, have caused great trauma. The fact that Sonja’s calls go unanswered seems to be in direct conflict with previous Watchtower guidelines. JW.org still has an article online that says:
“Although there might be a need for limited contact on some rare occasion to care for a necessary family matter, any such contact should be kept to a minimum.”
How do the parents in this video know that Sonja is not calling with an emergency? How can Watchtower possibly teach that ignoring phone calls is a loving provision?
Coping with shunning
Since the leak of this video and others being shown at the 2016 convention, my social media feeds have been peppered with posts by many in the ex-Witness community who are distraught over what this directive from Watchtower has done or will do to the already strained family relationships they may have managed to keep. I have seen children who are now being completely ignored by parents, parents who are being shut out of the lives of their children and grandchildren, and more. So many disfellowshipped and even inactive Witnesses are being harmed by this new brand of JW propaganda, even those who have gone to great lengths to come to agreements that keep at least some lines of communication open with those they love most.
To those of you just now facing the pain of total ostracism, I want you to know that you are not alone. There are many of us who are dealing with what you are now facing. Please don’t think that you have done anything wrong by leaving Watchtower and its harmful teachings. Wherever you are on your journey away from Watchtower, know that there are others like you who understand what you may be now experiencing. I encourage you to reach out on social media or to the people who truly do show you unconditional love for comfort.
In addition, there is a sort of peace that comes with understanding that your family is not hateful by nature, but that they have been unduly influenced by Watchtower to believe that they are doing the right thing by shunning you. Please take the time to research mind-control so you can understand what is really happening to your family. Just like you, there is always a chance that they may wake up, be free of influence and reunite with you.
Even if that doesn’t happen though, you can still find comfort in the fact that you have made the right choice and that you no longer support an organization that causes so much harm.
You are free.
Jeni, thanks for writing this very compassionate piece.
The pain of being shunned by one’s own family is one of the most difficult things to deal with, as you well know. The worst part is that it is all so unnecessary.
When someone leaves a high-control, authoritarian group they need emotional support and understanding. For better or worse, the are many of us that have been through this and can offer that support to those that are, as you call them, “the newly shunned.”
And while social media and on-line support forums can offer some consolation and direct people to resources for healing, many of those forums are filled with broken, hurt and very angry individuals that still betray many of the negative and hurtful attitudes and behaviors of the very groups they condemn.
It is important to build a social network of people that love you for WHO you are and not WHAT you (pretend to) believe. This takes time.
It also takes time and a lot of hard work to confront the many false and mistaken beliefs we once held to dear, beliefs which are the root cause of many of our own negative thoughts and behaviors. We need to identify them and replace them with positive, healthy beliefs.
We also need to mourn the loss of our family and friends that have abandoned us in favor of a religion run by corrupt hypocrites. There is much healing that needs to be done.
Again, Jeni, thanks for your kind and compassionate words.
Thank you for your very well thought out article ,and supportive words.
I think this years convention will be causing more than the usual havoc on ex-JW and their JW relations. No matter how prepared you think you are for shunning it still causes heart ache and pain .
How is it that some people can freely see how wrong it is to emotionally blackmail their children ,and others never see ? Perplexing …
My heart goes out to all victims of this cruel, totalitarian religion, both inside and outside the organization. What evil entity could possibly come between the strong bond that exists within a family? Only a mind-controlling cult. It’s so sad that so many people give the governing body such absolute power over their lives — to the point where it usurps even their inherent love for those closest to them.
There is not even a biblical mandate for doing so; quite the opposite, in fact: Luke 12:57;Rom 13:8-10;1 Cor. 7:23
The Good Samaritan was an apostate too.
Jesus was about breaking the rules to show love.
I’ve been married for 21 years and was disfellowshipped for spending the night at an unbelieving boys house (my husband of 21 years). I never had sex until after I was disfellowshipped for them not believing that nothing happened. My children grew up with no grandparents, aunts, or cousins because of this. The harsh militant judgement and unforgiveness from the JW ensure that I will NEVER go back to this group. They have shown me their fruits.
So still no contact after over two decades? How do they think they can call themselves followers of Christ and yet refuse to forgive? There are so many scriptural principles that they are ignoring, they are too many to mention. Only a totalitarian cult can produce such results in its members.
WS
Yes. No contact. I have no idea how they are doing. I do not even have their address and their phone number is probably old too.
I could be dead and they would never know since I live elsewhere. I’m sure I’m no longer in the will. I’ve had to survive on my own, thankfully I have my husband.
It’s as if everyone from my childhood died in the titanic. This I know is not from God.
Another example of injustice and false accusation. WT forces people out of the organization and leaves them trying to cope with the injustice on their own. I agree – not from God.
It’s odd though. Forcing people out is not in WT’s best interests. A kingdom divided against itself . . .
Sarah,
With all rules and regs that they can disfellowship for, I wonder if someday we will get to the point where there are more exJWs than active JWs.
WS
You took the words right out of my mouth! My self-righteous JW parents live right across the street from me, yet my mom only speaks to me if it has something to do with my 10 year old son. Otherwise, when he’s away with his dad for several weeks, I don’t hear a peep. I’ve suffered depression from being raised in this cult & could be lying dead in my apartment, and they would’nt even know it! And the ironic part is I – the “non-christian” still can’t bring myself to release my hurt & resentment on them & their sick cult, because I actually have compassion for them, and dont want to destroy their “hope” even though I know its total BS.
Shunning is an interesting strategy.
Divide and conquer! The same strategy which is constant as us the strategy used by he opposing team of Babylon the Great. Think of the wiles of the political systems around the world and how they set one people’s against another in rivalry. Whites against blacks, Christians against Muslims, One country against another in warfare and also in sport etc., all planned and used to cause disent and chaos. It brings disharmony around the world. It brings hatred and suffering. Same emotional wounds, just different sources. I saw a JW court case on YouTube, where an elder denied that shunning happened, he totally lied under oath. But I know it exists because as I witness years ago, I was told to shun certain ones in the congregation.
And I’ll bet they didn’t have two witnesses to prove you spent the night at the boy’s house. Interesting that when it comes to sexual predators, they rely on that rule to wiggle out of reporting them, but in your case, you were judged without two witnesses and with zero evidence.
On Friday evening in the UK I watched the Danish TV programme ‘Dicta’, about a fictional crime reporter in Arrhus, Denmark. It opened with a flashback to when she was a teenager giving birth to an illegitimate child who was subsequently taken away from her. Returning to modern day, she was seen outside a Kingdom Hall and attempted to greet her parents whom she had not seen since then. They refused to have anything to do with her, presumably because she had been disfellowshipped, and the door was closed in her face. I have no idea how it will turn out for Dicte but it is interesting that owing to the success of the series perhaps many people who are not Jehovah’s Witnesses will learn how repulsive this cult is.
A brilliant article Jeni, full of soul and sensitivity. Thank you for this!
It has been 12 years since I left the religion and my parents and siblings. I left willingly and gladly – the hypocrisy all around me, the holier than thou attitudes, and the “shepherds” inability or unwillingness to protect or lead fairly were all just the icing on the cake of me being an agnostic since the age of six. My mother tried to maintain contact with me, mostly calling me once a year to invite me to the memorial, but once she had her first grandchild, even this little bit of human contact that I craved stopped dead. I hear what you are saying, and I’m a social work major with a minor in psychology and have done a lot of research into cult mindsets and mind control organizations, but I can’t help but be incredibly angry at those who are supposed to love me unconditionally who view me now as some sort of dangerous entity. I have yet to find a counselor that understands much of this element of my background (which also includes a great deal of physical abuse) but I am just recently opening up my mind to “apostate” websites and social media forums and it’s really helping me feel not so alone and misunderstood.
I feel for you Cait.
I’ve been out for ten years and mostly feel very good about it, but, sometimes my anger over it all boils up. The anger over treatment received by those so called Christians, is very hard to let go. That they act like hypocrites and so unloving, yet I’m the one who is not worthy of association? Man.
The scriptures do tell us not to commit fornication, adultery,be confirmed drunkards etc etc. When someone is practising such things the scriptures do say not to greet that person. However, what they don’t say is to ignore that person, possibly for decades after these sins have been committed. In fact, how can a family know what sort of life their relative is now living if they have nothing to do with them? How are they to know if they are sick and need help and more particularly if they refuse to even take their telephone calls? I read in a WT years ago that it was ok to help a disfellowshipped person mend a car puncture if they had got it going to a meeting and if that ruling is still in force is it not slightly ironic that a sick disfellowshipped relative cannot be given needed help? To me it sounds like one of the rules that the Pharisees might have made.
Your family responsibilities still remain even if someone leads a life which in your opinion is not good. Love is more effective than shunning.
Thank you Jeni, your comments are very comforting and much appreciated.
Get over it!
–all the little outspoken, covert faders out there in the dark who made this punishment come down… Covert? do they even know what that means?
lmfao
Whether you’re “active” or “faded,” this group can come up with various reasons to isolate you from family and ostracize you. You could be “marked” as an in-good-standing JW and the congregation and family could have you at a distance.
There are some who remark that this never happened to them, they had friends who accepted them and their “free nature” but were you really accepted? Were you invited to the inner-circle dinners with CO’s, DO’s and those “icons” or the “secret” elder-wives and MS-wives dinners? or, were you naively happy with your “running buddies” who had no clout, no “organizational” power–thus, your current state of discontent?
The cut-off from the insidious trickling of day-to-day videos and outrageous statements coming out of HQ should be a welcome change. When I initially faded, I found my BP spiking with every issue of Watchtower/Awake due to the “cognitive dissonance”.
In terms of the nuclear weapon the Wt seems to be “testing” and being isolated from family, for those who “believe” the verse at Isaiah 54:17.
Least I’m not alone….
On July 2nd it will be 3 years since I started my fade. I also haven’t spoken to my family in almost 2 years. They reach out to me here and there but I refuse to speak with them.
Sucks being disfellowshipped doesn’t it? Lol
I hope that this method may make them realize how terrible disfellowshipping actually is and get them thinking that I have found something better and no longer need them if they are involved in a cult.
Or maybe it has backfired and they just think I don’t give 2 shits about my family.
Whatever. I just need the WT to be thoroughly exposed so my family can truly see what they are involved in.
Thank you so much for your articles. Me and my husband woke up in April, mostly thanks to jwsurvey. Now we can’t stand going to meetings anymore and are considering sending a letter to the elders to declare us inactive. We don’t want to dissassociate but to fade and just be left in peace.
What worries me most is not the part about shunning, but I’m so afraid to hurt and dissapoint my parents. Although I love my parents, we don’t really have much contact with each other. The last time I saw them was in October. Sometimes we whatsapp (every 2 months or so) but also then mostly just exchange facts, hardly talking about our feelings or worries. we had never had such a relationship and I think neither me or my parents know about what to talk when we speak to each other. I guess it wouldn’t make a big difference if they would shun me because our contact has never been that intense. But it breaks my heart imagining they being heartbroken, especially my mother. I hope we can fade while preventing to them that everything is okay, but I fear in the end they will find out. I am worrying that the elders will hunt us and ask questions and find out that we are apostates and disfellowship us (even if we won’t spread what we have found out except to my husband’s mother and grandma).
It gives us comfort and strength though reading your articles and watching the videos. Thank you so much for your work!
Now that I read it again, my comment seems a bit off-topic. Sorry :-/
Hi everyone, I’m very sorry you’ve been shun by your families. What you need to understand is that your parents made conscious decisions to cut off from you. IT IS NOT ORGANISATION POLICY. I wrote a while ago extensively on this issue. While it’s true that body of elders encourage believing relatives to completely shunned dis fellowship family members; it’s in stark contrast to what the organisation policy states. There is an appendix in the Gods Love Book that references a comprehensive questions from readers in the September 15 1981 Watchtower pages pages 26-30. Cedars would love continuously suppress that article because it’s not consistent with some views he perpetuate. Anyone who says the 1981 article is old need to go to a nearby college to get a decent education about referencing because it’s not my job.
Joe,
You are insulting the intelligence of everyone here.
I’m not, I’m just questioning the objective reasoning people associate with very clear principles. It annoys me as an educator when people deliberately mis construed principles to suit their objectives.
Hi Grace, I understand your frustration, we do agree on some points and I clearly understand your point, double standards. It shouldn’t be that way, it was not written that way, unfortunately it’s implemented by a hand full of people that way. I’ve had a dis fellowship uncle before and I use to catch up with him for a meal once or twice a month. When the elders came to talk to me about it I send them to read the article I reference earlier and they never came back. I’ve been in the truth for a very long time of my short life, I’m still very active and will continue to be. I know what I’m saying. The point is exercising sound judgment on the principle of minimum contact. Dis fellowshiping does not BREAK family ties only religious ties regardless of where the person lives.
Regarding the videos, people should view them objectively. If you watch those videos carefully all it tells the listener is what a particular family did in a particular situation; it doesn’t in anyway impose that particular course of action on every other family. Yes even though it’s suggest that particular course of action maybe or could be the spiritual way of doing things, it doesn’t implicitly impose it on everybody. From that perspective, it’s highly discretionary as to what course of action a family chooses next. Thats how I look at it, I mean people are different but I’m still amazed as to why no one have explained it in this light on this forum. It’s extraordinary, isn’t it?
Joe,
I don’t want to take over this article by debating with you so I will just say two things.
The WT is clever with its double-speak. The suggestion that it makes on one hand is to… not even say “hello” to such ones as this would develop into a CONVERSATION. Gosh! We wouldn’t want that would we?
Yet on the other hand, you can go about your family business. How confusing for the person reading this.
As for that video, they could’ve taken the high road with that video of the mother not answering her daughters phone call but they didn’t. A normal, loving mother would answer her child’s call. Instead, they took the lowest, down-right, unloving route that a parent could make…don’t answer the phone. What a disgusting example to use. All that did was show the cold-heartedness that a loyal follower of “Jehovah” should make.
The WT’s clever use of linguistics leaves you with the impression that if you do speak to ones that are disfellowshipped or whatever….YOU ARE BEING DISLOYAL TO JEHOVAH.
What choice then does the member have? When they believe that their own salvation hangs in the balance as to whether they are speaking or not speaking to someone DF’d, DA’d, Faded etc. I speak from experience & many here can too that when you see a Witness in the street, they don’t know whether to speak to me or not. I make the first move to greet them & I’m not DF’d or DA’d. Just a fader.
Grace,
Joe just doesn’t get it. He wants to see what he wants to see. And he seems to have taken a lesson from the Watchtower society: all the blame is placed on the members, the org bears no guilt.
WS
The presiding overseer saw my mother eating with us (two disfellowshipped sons, one faded daughter and my husband) and pulled her into the back room. It was a warning. She was basically told not to let it happen again. This coming from a man who is the Presiding Overseer of the congregation whose own faded son visits and sleeps in the same room with his girlfriend of ten years. They will dictate our lives to us and do what they like with their own.
Wɛʟʟ saɨɖ Jօɛ. Bɨʀɖs օʄ a ʄɛatɦɛʀ ʊsʊaʟʟʏ ʄʟօċҡ tօɢɛtɦɛʀ. Aռɖ ʏօʊ aʀɛ aɮsօʟʊtɛʟʏ ċօʀʀɛċt, ʏօʊ aʀɛ ռօt ʀɛsքօռsɨɮʟɛ ʄօʀ օռɛs aɮɨʟɨtʏ tօ ċօʍքʀɛɦɛռɖ tɦɛ ċօʍքʟɛxɨtʏ օʀ sɨʍքʟɨċɨtʏ օʄ a ʍattɛʀ. Wɦɛռ ɛʍօtɨօռs ɮɛċօʍɛ ɨռʋօʟʋɛɖ sօʍɛ ɦaʋɛ tɦɛ tɛռɖɛռċʏ tօ tɦɨռҡ աɨtɦ tɦɛɨʀ ɛʍօtɨօռs ɨռstɛaɖ օʄ tʀʏɨռɢ tօ sɛɛ օʊʀ aɖʍɨt աʀօռɢ ɖօɨռɢ. Aռɖ ռօt ɛʋɛʀʏօռɛ ɖɛaʟs աɨtɦ ɛʋɛʀʏ sɨtʊatɨօռ tɦɛ saʍɛ.
Wɦɨʟɛ sօʍɛ քaʀɛռts ʍaʏ aɖʍօռɨsɦ a ċɦɨʟɖ ʄօʀ ɮɛɨռɢ ɖɨsօɮɛɖɨɛռt, աɦɨʟɛ aռօtɦɛʀ ʍaʏ ʄɨռɖ taʟҡ tօ tɦɛʍ aɮօʊt աɦat ɦaքքɛռɛɖ ɨs a ɮɛttɛʀ sօʟʊtɨօռ.
I tɦɨռҡ ɨʄ քɛօքʟɛ աօʊʟɖ stօք ɮɛɨռɢ sօ ɛʍօtɨօռaʟ tɦɛʏ ċօʊʟɖ ʍaҡɛ ɮɛttɛʀ ʝʊɖɢʍɛռts.
Joe, you are so correct on some points, as in Watchtower written stance on family association with DF ones. I refer to Shepard the Flock manual. But I totally disagree with your assessment of the videos. They are insidious, mind control propoganda. I am a born in 60 year with total experience in this organization. And by the way, if you are still active, attending meetings, why are you on this website?
Shunning isn’t about the disfellowshipped person, it’s about keeping people in fear.
Jesus searched for lost sheep, not kicked them out.
Since they really believe they are Gods ONLY WAY to salvation, then kicking out some sinners (not all sinners because we are all sinners) is a way to keep out people who question them, rebel against the made up rules, and have a hard time believing that they are Gods only chosen people to survive a genocide.
It’s to keep out the smart ones who question things. They only want obedient people.
According to the JW rules:
-the Good Samaritan apostate should be avoided.
– the harlot shouldn’t be spoken to until she proves herself worthy after months or years of meeting with the apostles and showing up to his sermons.
– the Apostles should not stay in people’s homes, but instead should go door to door.
– the numerous holidays that Jesus grew up celebrating as a Jew, Mary and Joseph should have been disfellowshipped over.
– Mary should have been disfellowshipped for conceiving a child out of wedlock.
– Jesus should not have offered the bread and wine to everyone in the crowd but only the 144,000 and should have been called into an elders meeting for it.
– Peter should have lost his privileges in the congregation for betraying Jesus.
– and more.
Joe, I hope you never find yourself in the position of being shunned. It feels very callous to read from you that the way people are being made to feel is a result of misconstrued information and lack of education. While you may have valid points, you yourself are missing the point of the feelings of shunned family members being expressed here. It feels like you are blaming the people being shunned and the ones shunning them. The “god like” organization should be receiving the blame. I do watch the videos. The members of the organization watching the videos are not being told to view them objectively. They are being presented as fact or a rule. I hear what people are taking from these videos and not one of them has said anything about objectivity. They have all said the governing body has made it clear I need to shun any unbelievers. I understand you may feel you are viewing the videos objectively but you are still viewing them with a JW mindset. That’s a one sided view point. Also I find myself somewhat perplexed that you are even perusing this website if you “have been in the truth for a very long time, and are still very active and will continue to be.” Are you here because you yourself have doubts? If not, then even reading articles on this website is in direct disobedience to the governing body who says not to waste your time on these kinds of things. You should be on their website. Just a few of the thoughts I have had reading your comments lately. Have a wonderful day!
Hi Mandy,
I’m not going to use my real name on here, but you know me. Our parents grew up together, and so did we for a time. I used to get hand me down clothes from you. I recently started following you on Instagram again as I just opened up an account once again. But I think you must have blocked me, because you think I’m still a JW. I want you to know I am fully “awake”, and would love to reconnect with others who are. I’ve just recently found some old friends who are, and it was a very bizarre process trying to figure eachother out at first using code words and whatnot. When we both knew…. it just felt amazing. I felt relief as they were the first people that we actually knew, that could relate. I didn’t feel so alone.
If you are still uncertain who I am, please ask me more questions. If you know who I am, please reach out to me on Instagram. I do have to be careful on here, because I do not trust the organization, and I’m being cautious because most of my family and everyone I’ve ever known my whole life is “in”.
Please reach out to me old friend.
From J
Then why is the talk entitled SHUN UNREPENTANT WRONGDOERS ?
to Joe: we would go to a college an d get a decent education but it is “AGAINST WT POLICIES” to get a college education. Did you forget already? You know shunning is a policy and if you deny that you should not even be A JW or try to protect them. Get Real Joe.
Schnufti
I don’t think you are off topic. If you want to simply fade, then don’t write any letters to the elders. Don’t tell them a thing. If you give them any info, you run the risk of being DF’d. Best to just quietly fade away.
From experience, I can tell you that you may have to eventually confront your parents. Depending on what type of people they are and how indoctrinated they are, they may badger you to the point where you run out of excuses and have to come clean.
WS
Thank you Winston for your reply. I understand that a letter will raise the elder’s attention to us. But how can we fade without giving them any info? I think a fading couple with relatives in the congregation cannot leave together unnoticed.
We feel haunted already, as for May we gave in a made-up fs report of only one hour. (Which is a realistic number for us, as for the last couple of years we both did only one up to four hours per month at maximum.) In the next two meetings our group elder came to my husband asking him for going to ministry with him. He could postpone it somehow, but this week the elder called him without leaving a message. How much will they even hunt us as soon as we stop going to meetings and fs at all?
I wonder what to tell them when they keep asking us and wanting to make a “shepherd visit”. We cannot make up a depression as an excuse both me and my husband.
The following is what we thought to write in our letter to the elders:
– As they already know, we have fear of man and thus are not very exemplary in ministry.
– We both sat down and thought: Why do we have such a fear of man?
– We both came to the conclusion that it is because we are afraid that householders could ask questions that we couldn’t answer convincingly.
– Lingering doubts, which we couldn’t resolve despite intensive research in WT literature and year-long prayer for more faith, make it mentally impossible for us to stay any longer in the ministry. That is why we herewith declare ourselves as inactive.
– Because of that, we also feel no longer able to have privileges in the Theocratic Ministry School and WT and book studies.
– We point out that we still want to be Jehovahs Witnesses. We also have no intention to talk with anyone about our doubts.
– We make it clear that we like everyone in the congregation and that our decision has nothing to do with them.
– We know that the elders will have the urge to help us after having read the letter. We appreciate their loving efforts. However, we feel that a conversation would just increase psychological pressure on us. We promise that we will actively contact an elder as soon as we are ready for a conversation.
– We understand that this letter is hard for the elders to read, but we trust that they will respect our matter.
We feel that such a letter would increase the chance that they leave us in peace, as they get an explanation why we are inactive. Even if they would contact us, we could repeat what we stated in our letter – that we will contact them as soon as we are ready.
Schnufti,
I think I understand your concerns about letting the elders know where you stand, but Winston’s comment is entirely valid. If you write anything down, it can be used against you at some future date as everyone begins to realize you aren’t just weak or depressed.
I can only speak for myself and my wife. But we found that as our attitude about the centrality of the Organization changed, so did our beliefs about who we were. Let me clarify: At first, we (like you) decided we couldn’t preach because there were a number of Witness beliefs and practices that couldn’t be defended scripturally. This led to more intensive research and analysis of scriptures used in talks and the literature. Devastatingly (for our JW selves), we found a tremendous amount of misquotes, cherry-picking, out-of-context, etc. It was truly devastating, akin to having a rug pulled out from under our feet. We felt betrayed.
I’m trying to say that this changed how we felt about the Organization. Initially, we didn’t want to leave – we didn’t even think of leaving. We spoke to the elders and said we just needed to take a break and figure things out. But the more info we found, the more we needed to leave.
Now we see everything from a different, broader perspective. And the Organization, (the “most progressive organization”, in its own words) turns out to be just another group of men who want others to listen and obey them. No inspiration, no prophetic utterances, no special interpretation of scripture. Just men, muddling through as best they can and demanding others listen.
Having this understanding has allowed me to become happier now that I ever was (with less stress) and to see my life as a series of awesome opportunities. I hope everything works out well for you.
Schnufti
Do not put anything in writing or it will be used against you. I went through something similar when I faded.
I was a 5th generation witness on both sides, so just about my whole family was in. I also had served as an elder for nearly a decade, so fading wasn’t easy.
What I did is just gradually started missing meetings and service over a period of almost a year until I was down to nothing. Elders tried to contact me, but I was careful to avoid them, rebuff them, etc. Eventually I had to tell them something. The coordinator kept emailing me so eventually I just said: “I am simply not in a good place spiritually and I need some space to work it out. I’d appreciate it if you respect that.” After that they left me alone for a good long while.
WS
Winston,
Harry,
Telescopium,
Thanks a lot for your comments and suggestions. We are very thankful you gave us your experiences and appreciate your help.
You have a point, written things can be used against us. We haven’t seen it that way yet. And one of those 14 elders in our congregation might bring up the idea that we might be apostates and our wish to be left alone shall not be respected.
I guess we will just have to think of excuses to tell the elders when they ask my husband out for ministry or want to make a shepherd visit. We admire everyone who has managed to fade – it will be very difficult and we are afraid of the coming months!
We are intending to speak with my husband’s dad next week. He doesn’t know yet that we have woken up. He once was an elder too, and has been inactive for about 20 years. And he still officially belongs to our congregation. So he must have done something right! We hope he can give us good advice additionally to the tips you have already given to us.
As for my parents, I have decided just to let them believe that everything is alright and not to actively tell them anything for now. Their congregation is not in the same circle as ours and we don’t speak to each other enough to make them suspicious. If we are about to get disfellowshipped, I will have to sit them down or write them a letter. But I don’t want to think that far yet.
I don’t want to go further off-topic related to this article but may I please ask one last question: How did you – especially as a couple – manage to step off the Ministry School and WT/book reading?
I’m asking because when my husband told the responsible in May that he wants to quit the audio team (stage service) the responsible didn’t let him go without asking questions and giving a 10 minute talk about being thankful for serving Jehovah and blabla.
And know that the talks in the school are so easy to prepare, we cannot say that it suddenly is too stressful to us.
Aaah if we could only tell them what we really think!
Very interesting thoughts on a your letter. With your permission, I would like to use some points myself, for a second letter to elders. The first letter I wrote, asking to be left alone, was construed as a possible disassociation letter. But no DF.
Chantal,
Of course you can use some of these points. No copyright :-) I’m glad if it is helpful to you.
Schnifti
As far as assignments (like student talks, stage team etc.) here are a few thoughts:
– for your hubby, he could say that he is having to deal with mandatory overtime at work and won’t be able to keep up with his job on stage/audio. Say that it’s only temporary, and you will let them know when he can help out again. By the time a few months pass, you can have faded to the point where it’s a non issue.
– student talks: nothing frustrates a school overseer more than no shows for talks. You could simply call and cancel the night of claiming sickness. Or you could say you are having anxiety issues and need to come off the school for a while. Your husband could use the overtime excuse.
– You could also consider switching congregations if that’s an option. Make up some excuse for the switch: meeting times that better fit your schedule, more opportunity for privileges, you just need a change, etc. When you switch halls, you won’t have any responsibilities. Show up for a few meetings and then just slowly fade away.
Just a few suggestions.
WS
Schnufti,
In reference to your question about how to relinquish congregational responsibilities, we dropped them one-by-one and basically told everyone involved that we just couldn’t handle them anymore, which was true.
A little background: My wife was pioneering, I was an elder, we both were on the RBC.
My wife requested to be a householder only for the TMS parts, then over time dropped everything.
Dropping the pioneering prompted an encouragement meeting with the elders.
Dropping the elder responsibilities prompted a meeting with the circuit overseer and another elder, trying to figure out why.
Dropping the RBC prompted nothing whatsoever.
Then we stopped field service.
Then stopped Thursday night meetings.
Then stopped Sunday meetings.
We attended one convention (international) afterward and only went two days. (I got sunburned badly and extremely annoyed at the information. I couldn’t stomach another day).
We were not as awake as you appear to be, so our honest answers to everyone’s questions was “We just need to take a break from it all, to figure it out.”
We’re still figuring it out…
One last thought from my wife. She says: “Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty. You have every right to figure out what your own needs are.”
Please do not write a letter to them. Just avoid them like the plague and eventually they will get the message. When I faded I was fearful of the knock on the door, the phone call, the post-it, stuck on a tract…. yes it all happened and I just took myself out of the equation. I made sure I was out on a Saturday am…. use that morning to do errands. Keep all the little notes and put a date on them – I have a small stash, just in case you need to produce them as a sign of ‘stalking’. Make a note of phone calls… same reason.
I’ve not been to a meeting since last year. I attended the memorial this year and knew I was done with it all. I am learning to breath free now. I will say, use the literature against them. If asked why you don’t attend use the study article from last August I believe… it says basically, even if you know something is true you shouldn’t talk about it… use this as your get out of jail free card. ‘sorry but I can’t talk about what is bothering me, I’ve taken to heart what the literature said – quote it, and think it is in my best interest that I adhere to watchtower protocol in this regards’. If they keep on just say, ‘sorry but please stop asking me’.
Again, please don’t write a letter. It will be kept on file and used to trip you up.
@Schnufti, Let your parents be happy. You don’t have to break their hearts. Some info is best left to oneself and can be the most unselfish action you ever do. That’s what I did for my parents and I don’t regret it. They knew I was weak but they didn’t know I was apostate. My parents passed away. My mom died in 1992 and my dad died in 2008. I don’t regret keeping them in the dark about my apostasy because they didn’t have the comprehension to understand. They were to heavily indoctrinated. Don’t do anything that makes you uncomfortable. Listen to your gut intuition. Be happy all the time. Stress can cause you to go crazy. :)
@Schnufti, I’m also thinking, grown children never tell their parents everything because they love them. For example, I never told my parents about my first sexual experience. I also believe all the friends in the world cant take the place of your parents. Let them be happy. That was the decision I made and I’ve never regretted it.
@ Schnufti;
Personally speaking, I wouldn’t write any letter to anyone concerning my “fade” or “inactivity”. Why? Because this is what they desire, to write a letter is to continue to bend to their “rules”.
Just continue to fade, don’t answer their questions or give reasons for your non-attendance at the meetings (this includes phone calls). If a letter comes from the elders addressed to you in the mail, write ‘return to sender’. The same goes for certified mail from the elders or hall. Don’t open it, refuse it and write ‘return to sender’.
After many failed attempts to contact you the elders will get a clue and eventually give up. Good luck to you with your fade!
Thanks to all of you for your comments! You gave us helpful tips we will consider for sure.
More angst among ones whose family members\friends are (maybe have been for some time) no longer associated, have moved on yet committed these sins without action having been taken. Interesting to find out how those ones will deal with the updated reasoning…
But here is a bit of irony. I am not sure if this is still the case, but it used to be. If the same, I will use parents in this case who have shunned their child for years fall on hard financial times, the elders used to encourage these parents to go ask for financial help from the very child they had shunned for years. As we also know shunning is not mention in the bible and the dis-fellowshipping mention was for a man sleeping with his Mother in law, Something not even practice among the nation.
Also, I think a lot things are happening because of Witnesses(Elders or higher ups) reading sites like these and trying to ebb the tied of people trying to leave quietly and still trying to keep in contact with ones in the organization in order to try to wake such ones up about the organization.
Good point Scrubmaster, I agree that the higher ups probably have henchmen reading these sites and feeding information back to them. But then we also have our “spies” right at HQ who feed info to Lloyd.
WS
A very well written article Jeni –
Thank God I have no fleshly relatives in the org. The shunning process is so cruel! I know an ex JW whose mother and sister cut her off after a Kingdom Ministry article discussing contact with disassociated relatives. The effect on the young woman was devastating at the time but she has now made a successful life for herself without them.
The Sonja video is sick. I am ashamed to think that I was at one time a member of this organisation. They do not know the meaning of REAL love.
Hi everyone, I’m very sorry you’ve been shun by your families. What you need to understand is that your parents made conscious decisions to cut off from you. IT IS NOT ORGANISATION POLICY. I wrote a while ago extensively on this issue. While it’s true that body of elders encourage believing relatives to completely shunned dis fellowship family members; it’s in stark contrast to what the organisation policy states. There is an appendix in the Gods Love Book that references a comprehensive questions from readers in the September 15 1981 Watchtower pages pages 26-30. Cedars would love continuously suppress that article because it’s not consistent with some views he perpetuate. Anyone who says the 1981 article is old need to go to a nearby college to get a decent education about referencing because it’s not my job.
My 2014 copy of the book, “Keeping Yourself in God’s Love,” says that there might be a need for limited contact on rare occasion, but that “any such contact should be kept to a minimum.” It also says that “loyal Christian” ones “do not look for excuses” to find ways to have contact or dealings with disfellowshipped family members not at home.
And, I myself have known Jehovah’s Witnesses who themselves have been shunned for being seen speaking to disfellowshipped ones. The Watchtower video mentioned above also seems to be in keeping with the above information contained in the 2014 “God’s Love” book. Seems to me like the Watchtower advocates almost complete shunning like Cedars says. I’d look it up in the older Watchtowers but the Watchtower Society has forbidden me to look at materials containing that information. Go figure.
D Charles Ply, you sound very reasonably. When i did my first degree, I was require to do a special unit on referencing thats why I’m so passionate about it. Anyone reading the appendix in the Gods love book will know it’s just an abstract or summary of the original article it references. Just a quick lesson for all readers; references serve as an authority over a Piece of work an individual produces. Even though more recent references are always preferred, it has to be comprehensive. That’s why we have peer reviews in the real world, for a research to be seen as valid it has to have more than one peer review. Yes peer review won’t strictly applied in this case, but the concept of authority does. In the absence of substance an older piece of work is always preferred. The most comprehensive article ever produced by the Society dealing specifically with dis fellowship relatives is dealt with in that article. Every subsequent article either is a synopsis or references the original article. If you can’t get that basics concept then it’s extraordinary and your should contribute on this forum. But I really enjoy your reasonable thought Charles . Read the original article and you’ll know the truth. I think for the benefit of this audience please up-load a copy of the article on this forum for everyone to read and stop confusing themselves between conscious decisions their family have made over organisational policies.
Joe are you saying that “old light” trumps “new light”?
Joe,
I don’t understand why you feel the need to make such derisive comments about everyone else’s education. Not necessary, not constructive, not kind.
Back on topic:
-w81 9/15 p. 29-
If a Relative Is Disfellowshiped…
DISFELLOWSHIPED RELATIVES NOT LIVING AT HOME
18. The second situation that we need to consider is that involving a disfellowshiped or disassociated relative who is not in the immediate family circle or living at one’s home. Such a person is still related by blood or marriage, and so there may be some limited need to care for necessary family matters. Nonetheless, it is not as if he were living in the same home where contact and conversation could not be avoided. We should keep clearly in mind the Bible’s inspired direction: “Quit mixing in company with anyone called a brother that is a fornicator or a greedy person…, not even eating with such a man.”—1 Cor. 5:11.
19. Consequently, Christians related to such a disfellowshiped person living outside the home should strive to avoid needless association, even keeping business dealings to a minimum.
This is all of paragraph 18 and a portion of paragraph 19, taken directly from the article you reference. The subheadings of the article are as follows:
-‘RELATIVES MAY CAUSE PROBLEMS’
-‘IN THE IMMEDIATE FAMILY CIRCLE’
-‘DISFELLOWSHIPED RELATIVES NOT LIVING AT HOME’
-‘SOCIAL GATHERINGS AND DISFELLOWSHIPED RELATIVES’
-‘LESSONS FOR ALL OF US’
In the context of these subheadings, a whole range of situations is discussed. The fact that it even makes a distinction between relatives in the “immediate family circle” and “relatives not living at home” should alert you that they’re going to be treated differently. For relatives not at home the article advises the reader what they should do: “avoid needless association”. THIS IS SHUNNING!
If you ask me, it looks like shunning family members is included in the Organization’s policies.
Do you know of locations where I can read the actual and fuller articles? I am banned by JWs from using anything in Kingdom Halls. My name is kept in notebooks. No Jehovah’s Witnesses will come to my home or even within a few houses. If they see me they turn around and leave the area. I kid you not. I would read them if I could get access to them short of illegally downloading and installing the Watchtower Library software that is only for Jehovah’s Witnesses. I have no intention of doing anything that will land me into a lawsuit.
D. Charles Pyle,
A few sites the older literature can be found at:
jwfacts.com
watchtowerdocuments.org
avoidjw.org
I don’t know the depth of your interest, but these sites have an incredible array of documents relating to all aspects of the Organization’s history. Enjoy!
Just a quick story: My first exposure to an “apostate” site was watchtowerdocuments.org, which is Barbara Anderson’s site. I had read a less-than-flattering description of J.F. Rutherford on Wikipedia and was looking for more information. I stumbled onto her site by accident and found tons of valuable stuff. It’s like a goldmine in there!
Hope you find what you’re looking for!
Hey Joe,
I just learned for myself that you are being a bit disingenuous about this referencing thing by, after considerable effort, finding a way to get a peek at a recent Elder’s manual (“Shepherd…”). It turns out that Elders themselves are encouraged to use any one of the three sources recommended by the said manual. One of the references indeed is the Watchtower of April 15, 1988. However, the others recommended are the “God’s Love” book, already referenced, as well as the August 2002 “Our Kingdom Ministry.” Not even the “Shepherd…” book says that one must seek only the Watchtower article you suggested, or that one is better than the others, but that one can use any of the three sources suggested to remind members of the congregation of their responsibilities in shunning if they are found to continue contacting disfellowshipped or disassociated persons. That means that no one source is more valid than the other from the perspective of the Watchtower Society’s Governing Body. Any one of them can be used to show official Watchtower Policy regarding disfellowshipped or dissociated ones. I will still continue to seek out the Watchtower article but I already now have sufficient information to know enough about the policy, and that according to the Governing Body, themselves.
@Joe
Not sure exactly what you are trying to imply Joe but just to help you understand, here is a link to the Watchtower policy on the requirement to shun those who have been dis-fellowshipped or have left the ‘truth’ or are considered by the organization to be partaking in ‘Wicked Works’ what ever that means.
http://wol.jw.org/en/wol/d/r1/lp-e/1102008083
This article shows clearly that ‘IT IS ORGANISATION POLICY’ and It quotes from the Watchtower you mentioned.
Shunning is a Watchtower policy, and families are strongly encouraged and required to cut off all association with family members who have left the organization. The current video’s are strongly reemphasizing this.
This policy is appalling and very damaging, it shows NO love or consideration for the well being of others and no tolerance, which is typical of cults. It does not care who it hurts or what damage it causes to the lives of the people who are effected by its policies, either those that remain OR those that leave. It seeks only to control and seems to go completely against the teachings of Jesus who it claims to follow.
I hope this helps, Joe.
Its a cult!!
Facts not fiction: you’re confusing two things. Dis fellowship family members and everybody else. Lookup the referrences of that the link you PROVIDED to help YOURSELF.
You completely lost credibility at ” shunning is not the organizations policy”. You might as well be Geoffrey Jackson on the stand before the Royal commission.
I am not confused at all Joe. The link I gave you shows clearly that shunning IS ORGANIZATIONAL policy. Only under extreme unavoidable circumstances is contact with family members allowed. i.e. If a child is too young to leave the family home or as it says
“there might be a need for limited contact on some rare occasion to care for a necessary family matter” but it goes on to say “do not look for excuses to have dealings with a disfellowshipped relative not living at home. Rather, loyalty to Jehovah and his ORGANIZATION moves them to uphold the Scriptural arrangement of disfellowshipping.”
It seems VERY clear to me Joe. Sorry if you are unable to understand it.
Either way treating any one this way is morally wrong and disgusting behavior! That should be obvious to any intelligent thinking person no matter what their Religious persuasion.
Hi Joe I think you may be deluding yourself here. You state “disfellowshiped person and “everyone else”. Who do you class as “everyone else”. Do you believe that a “Baptized” person can can become somehow “unbaptized” and return to the world as though nothing happened, to live the life that they choose for themselves. I think you know Joe that the only way to leave this organization once you have been baptized and lead a life of your own choosing is to:
1. Completly cut yourself off from the organization having no further contact with it or its members including family (Disfellowship yourself).
2. Be dissfellowshipped! Many reasons this will happen!
Either way it amounts to the same thing. You cannot choose your own life and maintain close emotional contact with friends and family once you have been Baptized.
That is what these articles are about Joe. The ORGANIZATION STRONGLY discourages any contact with ex-members.
If you guys don’t have anything to hide upload both references, the 1988 and 1981 and let other people decide for themselves. Because you folks are very confused: upload both articles.
Confused and don’t understand how referencing works. It’s quite sad. I suspect you guys suggesting complete shunning been a policy may have been a victim of the WT higher education policy as a result didn’t get higher education and is finding basic concept of dis fellowshiping doesn’t break family ties hard to understand. I guess it’s not too late. Higher education can be acquired by anyone at any age so you better start now before you embarrass yourself some where else.
Joe, I am electronics Engineer who has worked in ‘Particle Physics’ for the last 30 years. I have many qualifications in engineering and physics and much experience at solving complex problems using Logic. At work I use referencing on an hourly basis and thoroughly understand the concept, but I can also logically work through a complex problem. So I will try one more time.
The term “DISSFELLOWSHIPING” is a modern invention of the WTBTS to rubber stamp, or make official that an individual is NO longer considered good association. It is done so that even members who are not aware of what a ex-member is doing can shun them. However the underlying policy is simple and is based on the ORGANIZATIONS interpretation of scripture. As the title of one of the assembly talks says “Shun unrepentant wrongdoers” whether they are officially dissfellowshipped or not. Who is an unrepentant wrongdoer? Simple! Any “Baptized” member or ex-member who continues to do something that is “wrong” in the eyes of the ORGANIZATION”.
e.g. Smoking, joining a politial party, joining the army, taking a blood transfusion, going out clubbing, disagreeing with WTBTS teachings(Apostasy), joining another religion, spending the night with the opposite sex whether sex is involved or not etc etc etc.
Any of these actions and many others are considered “wrongdoing” and therefore any member who is aware that a Baptized person is continuing to practice such things knowingly must be shunned(and reported). Knowingly failing to do this puts you in the same position.
Joe you can jump around from old watchtower article to old watchtower article all you want. They vary greatly depending on the time period that they where written and the personality of the person who writes the article. None of this changes the policy of “Shun unrepentant wrongdoers” that is being heavily promoted at the assemblies. I really hope this helps make it clear to you Joe as I don’t have time to help you further. Sorry.
You are aware that the Watchtower is looking for excuses to shut this website down, aren’t you? If they did that (posting the full articles on the site) it would be just the excuse the Watchtower needed to go to court over material that is not yet in the public domain. I doubt the owner of this site is going to allow that to happen anytime soon.
Then why is an announcement made from the podium of the Kingdom Hall telling everyone that you are no longer a JW ?? That is obeying HQ policy – !!
Jeni, this was well written and compassionate, thank you.
I was disfellowshipped in 1982, well before the Internet and social media. To be expelled from the only network you know at the age of 18, and thrown to the curb, is probably the most traumatic experience of my life. The only positive I can see is that it has made me stronger. I still have limited contact with my parents and siblings, but after this convention, that may change.
I found that they instantly placed the blame on me, because I chose not to live a lie and act like I believed just to maintain the family ties. To anyone who have escaped the watchtowers grasp, let me say that you have chosen to open your eyes to reality. It’s not your fault.
I choose to view my family members that remain dedicated to that organization as naive, but good hearted. I will love my family till the day I die, but as its been 34 years, there are nieces and nephews that I barely know.
To anyone who has been shunned, be thankful for technology, it makes it so much easier to find and form a new network of friends that can support you. Just a word to the wise, not all friendly faces will be true friends.
I found that to be the case both inside and outside the organization.
Tim, I completely understand the trauma you suffered in ’82. I left just before that and since there was no online community for support, it was a very lonely & terrifying place to be.
Previous to that, I went through 5 years of wondering why I felt there was something seriously ‘off’ about the cult I was being raised in, why I couldn’t feel any connection to it, and why I just didn’t feel the ‘love’. I would have loved to have this resource to research things and to confirm my doubts. All I had were a few library books that I had to secretly read and they had little or no focus on the emotional burden & pain.
When I left I was treated like a pariah. Months later, I saw an elder on a downtown street. I naturally smiled and said ‘Hi’. He gave me such a cold look and kept walking. And I wasn’t even baptized. My own mother called me a whore and said it would be better if I were dead. It’s a pretty miserable situation to be in when you have nobody in the same situation to bounce these things off of, like online here.
** Jeni, thank you for your well-written, heartfelt article. If I had something like this to read after I escaped that cult many years ago, I know I would have felt some comfort instead of the painful feeling of being completely alone. **
Nicely written.
Thank you Jeni. For me the shunning that began a while ago has intensified. This weekend my grandchild is being taken to the convention by her mother and other grandparents. Her half siblings do not have to attend because their father refuses to let them go but because my grandchild lives away from her father – my son, her mother does what she likes even though he has expressly said he doesn’t not want her attending meetings etc. We are all worried sick about what she will take in this weekend and how they will interpret it to her. Shun df’d daddy and bad grandma because she doesn’t go to meetings anymore. Hopefully she just plays with the new crayons they bought for her.
On a brighter note Happy Canada Day to all our Canadian readers :)
Here’s to Canadians! My northern neighbors!
-raises glass-
and also to our Southern cousins for tomorrow :) Happy July 4th!
Thankyou ….and yes they shun…break up families, etc….comes from top…poop falls down hill thing…My husband has a neice going thru same thing at this time…so Joe, should wake up and smell the roses…educated or not. The only reason they did not df me cuz shelter workers threatened to put all they were doing to me on front page news of Wpg. Free Press, so the pres. overseer hung up on her when she told him if they df me…they would be charged with stalking and police would be involved as well as News Papers…he never spoke to me to this day, told the cong to treat me as dead…never read anything from platform but hush hush, informed all somehow…after many yrs, wts from places I do not know personally…will literally ….drop their vegs and run should I show up in same aisle as them at groc store!…They go real slow in service in the area, make …”time” count..:))..til they near my hse…then pedal to the metal and whosh, gone like a …shootin star! :))) mks me laugh every time! Gotta love it! Thanx to all who mk these sites for us to …share our experiences…like a good visit with old friends…take care til next time…smile and enjoy life, cuz once you see the Jworgy for what it is…you will begin to feel a great burden lifted….Jesus said his yoke kindly load light….who are like those who burdened the people with heavy loads they themselves were not willing to bear? Jworgy load is….???? you answer the ques. from life experience…just as this day that past…Canada day here…My Mom, 76 yrs young!!! :) cuz Mom does not want to be old…like the rest of us, proceeded to rise at 3 am…get ready and drive for 3.5 /4 hrs to go to the Convention in Saskatoon Sk. where she sat…trying to take in all the…”spiritual food”, provided at, no doubt dozin all along, but to her credit and so all the other zealots would not ques. her as to why she no show…thanx to my bro. and his friend she made it….and he sent me a pic of the table where the sign informed ….debit or credit cards….pay here…Yeah…you recieved free…give free…but mk sure use debit or credit if not straight cash. Wonder if there was any trinkets to buy, after all was Canada day….and 1st day of conv.! But best I quit now…cuz….take care…thanx again, with love…me
Getting out of the JW’s is like getting out of a bad marriage. Its going to
take sometime getting used to being out and making new friends and sharing
during viewpoints. You may still agree with some viewpoints, you may learn
other opinions. Remember, don’t take it too personal. The JW’s are part of
a Christian religion, like the Mormons and other CORPORATE religions and
cults that has taken God and Jesus Christ hostage putting themselves ABOVE
the Father and the Son. This is IDOLATRY. Most JW’s ONLY perform
perfunctory service to God because they are forced too. Its really not in their
hearts to do it on their own, Want proof? See how many times a real JW spreads
his or her beliefs on the social media, or the local newspaper columns? It
is very rare because they are AFRAID to speak unless they have permission
from the WT. If that is the case then you have witnessed a fulfillment of
scripture about the false prophet and how to identify them, they produce FEAR
among the followers instead of heartfelt true love. See Duet 18:22 “you
need not be afraid of him” KJV
Thanks for that it seems that the WTS go soon down
Shunning policy is a need for the WTS, without this pressure, blackmail they lost the power over the members. Scared, fear and mindcontrol issues are the logical way of a cult.So shunning and disfellowshipments is part of the game
Jeni, so sorry for you. I don’t know how to define my JW wife, she’s practically inactive, doesn’t go to conventions or midweek meetings and maybe once or twice a month she goes to the sunday morning meeting. We celebrate christmas and other holidays but these things can be blamed on me since I am normal ( or like they say ” wordly “).
Her relatives are almost all JWs of which someone ” hardcore “.
Technically after this convention she should be shunned and this would solve the whole “problem” in one move, we would get rid of family and religion but there is no way that they are going to shun her ( unfortunately ). In 30 years that I know them there we cases ( brother in law and father in law ) that were df but they didn’t shun.
I think there are a lot of ” liberal or fake ” Jws that even don’t know what exactly the doctrines or rule are.
Maybe it depends where you live and that Angloamerican or German witnesses are more severe compared to Italian Jws ( thank you for that,Catholicism!! ).
Just my thought.
Re Mama Joy’s post: Elders told me that when my husband had a weekend holiday with another woman, it was not adultery because she took her 12 year old son with her. Elders twist evidence to suit themselves. Nothing is consistent and you will have to cope with whatever injustice they dish out.
Elders can use the secret rules for their own ends. They had already accused me of slander so they could not back down, even when given evidence that proved I was not a slanderer. However, the lack of Christian values showed me what sort of people they really were.
I had to leave the org or die from stress related disorders. I am shunned for it, but I can laugh about the lengths elders went to, to twist evidence to suit what they wanted to believe. I still love God, so they were not able to destroy that. As one solicitor told me – justice is for the ends of eternity.
@Sarah
Elders: as they say power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. I saw so many abuses of power when I was an elder, it made me sick. That’s one of the reasons I resigned from serving.
WS
What qualifies these 7 mere men as spiritual guides
whose word has to be accepted as canon law?
Their perverted reasoning has led to disappointment
and sorrow for thousands who have trusted them.
So many failed dates for Armageddon, (circa 1975,
“Brothers are selling their houses so they can pioneer.
What a fine way to spend the short remaining time
before this wicked system ends”.) We were told!
Many were egged on by that KM, propaganda, only to
end up depressed, down hearted , with no house or
money left. I personally know of one such brother
ending up like that, he died shortly after 1975, in his
early 50s.
Further misery and death caused by unwarranted
bans on Organ Transplants and Blood transfusion,
Some of it rescinded and acknowledged to be un-
scriptural. But much too late for some.
Also, victims of sexual abuse psychologically damaged
by not being believed, due to a gross mis-application
of the 2 witness rule. Much more could be added.
So what single reason do I have to trust in the
guidance of these mortals. By destroying the close
bonds I have with my family through shunning, turning
my face against them?
These men as well as as being proven failures are not
even aware that you and I exist we are just data to them.
I would never put them before my own flesh and blood.
Brava, Jeni! From my own experience, I have found that when people leave your life, the universe will bring someone else in to fill that role for you, whether it is a mother, sister, brother or friend. I firmly believe that blood is not thicker than water, and family consists of people who you care deeply about and who care deeply for you. And, it can change in different stages of your life.
Their teachings are so sickenly twisted towards their own end – and thank goodness God will remember what these so called spiritual leaders did to destroy so many families. My husband and I left over 6 years ago and dissasociated ourselves and wrote a long letter stating the reasons why; next thing I knew we were ‘disfellowshipped’ and they have continually gone all over the area slandering our name even to people that have known us (non-witnesses) for years. I’m sure this latest batch of evil propaganda will just further make them look down their self righteous noses even more. The best thing we ever did was leave. And God does send good people into your life to replace. I bet they didn’t have much mention of Jesus in their convention. It’s amazing how stupid people are!!!
@Nancy
If you kept count of how many times they made reference to Jesus versus the Watchtower org/GB/FDS, I bet Jesus would loose.
They have put their organization in the place of Christ and have relegated him to a position of secondary importance. Really not Christians at all.
WS
One of the most painful to endure in life is to be shun by my mother and siblings. I have my wife but I think I will be alone with the rest of my life
Great article Jeni. Thanks for your well written piece of journalism. I feel that the people who shun people should likewise be shunned. Let’s see how they feel when people purposefully impose such juvenile behavior. Since the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society discriminates based on sexual orientation, the businesses of the world should discriminate on hiring the Jehovah’s Witnesses.
Hi Joe,
I am wondering if you are keeping up with current teachings from the organization. I am and there is no doubt that the current teaching and expectation is to shun family members that are not living in your home. The video at the regional convention removes all argument. There have been multiple articles teaching that we should treat d’fd and disassociated family members like they are dead. They improperly use the example of Aaron to attempt to make their point. Anyone willing to read surrounding verses will discover the GB have twisted scriptures to do this. And its not a matter of interpretation. The scriptures are very clear. Aaron was serving in a dedicated capacity for a specific time when his sons were killed and it would have been inappropriate for him to rip his priestly garments and put ashes on his head. To do so he would have died also. But Jehovah assured Aaron saying the brothers would do the weeping for Aaron’s dead sons. Aaron would have to wait until his priestly duties were over before he grieved. The GB are shameless in their determination to rule or ruin the members. And they have no consideration for tearing families apart. I have children and one has chosen to fade for reasons of conscience. I know no finer christian when it comes to hospitality, generosity and loving kindness even toward strangers. As parents we continue to associate with that child. Our other children refuse to and one of them has decided that we the parents are spiritually dangerous and are now shunning us. My child is my inheritance from God and I will not mistreat my inheritance. Naboth died at Jezebel’s orders because he refused to sell land that was his inheritance. How much more will I treasure and protect my children, even the one that shuns me.
Winston you offer sound advice, do not put anything in writing. It will come back to haunt no matter how innocent one thinks their words are. Besides I don’t play these Watchtower games at the words of imperfect, uninspired men.
Regards
Thank you Jeni for your well written article. I especially appreciate your remarks about “understanding that your family is not hateful by nature, but that they have been unduly influenced by Watchtower to believe that they are doing the right thing by shunning you.” So often, when I discuss my experience of being shunned by my father with others, they come back with comments such as “that’s his choice,” or “his decision.” They don’t completely understand the indoctrination that occurs, and the inability of my father to actually make up his own mind or make his own decisions. In his world, he has no choice but to refrain from association with me. Yes, indeed, we could see it as his choice to remain a Witness, but for those who are part of authoritarian groups, it isn’t that easy. Those of us on the outside of this harmful and controlling group need to understand the mental state of those still inside. It’s as if an invisible fortress has been built around their hearts and minds, preventing them from seeing any other viewpoint or perspective as having merit. We can hope, for the so many that are still subject to this kind of mind control, that somehow, someday, a small light turns on inside them, and illuminates a path to the real truth outside the JW organization.
@David
Good points. Something to add: different people react in different ways to cult conditioning. It seems that the majority of JW members are strongly influenced by the Watchtower conditioning. Some, however, are able to resist in certain ways. That’s why we know of some who don’t shun or who do go to college. The effect of Wathtower influence varies. However some who are not susceptible to certain forms of conditioning are susceptible to others. That’s why we get the stray JW apologist who says “I don’t shun” or “that’s their choice to shun.” Because they are not specifically influenced in that way, they believe that everyone is the same as they are. It’s not the case. We all respond differently to various form of external stimuli. We similarly respond differently various forms of undue influence.
WS
Very good points Winston. With regard to the region that a specific JW comes from it indeed does have a direct affect on their decisions. Which is exactly why we had this saying in the NYC congregations” the farther away you get from home the crazier the congregations get”.
“Home” in this context would be watchtower headquarters in Brooklyn. So the NYC dwelling witnesses like myself considered those outside of the city as less spiritual because of their proximity to headquarters. So whenever we visited a congregation in an affluent suburb that had most of their children attending college we just shook our heads and silently judged our fellow JWs.
The JWs who live in areas where a higher education is the norm have no problem with sending their children to university. The JWs who came from my area in the urban and poor south Bronx saw attending college and university as a sign of spiritual weakness. The parents encouraged their kids to pursue bethel life or pioneer. Which in itself is a real crime because these young people could have bettered their lives and had the same opportunities as their suburban counterparts but the cult indoctrination steered them in the opposite direction. In this way the cult perpetuates another societal problem.
The organization has gradually been trying to (and somewhat succeeded) in unifying the thinking patterns of every JW. The finally have a vehicle I’m the jw.org to accomplish that. The only problem is that the vehicle has a perpetual flat tire. They are masters at shooting themselves in the foot and getting lucky. The internet has changed things for them. For better and for FAR worse.
Good points about regions Chiafade. I used to know of JW congregations in rural areas who would forbid sisters from wearing ANY makeup. If they did, they would be counseled and their husbands or fathers would loose any privileges. Then there were congregations in affluent areas where sisters would “dress to the nines” and look like they were ready for a night of clubbing rather than a church meeting.
WS
Winston,
I remember judging those people!
Ahhhhh, those were the days…
Thank you Jeni for your article. Thank you for your remark about family being under their control. I find the personal healthy boundaries I have set for myself CLASH with what my JW family considers their personal healthy boundaries are. My disfellowshipped nephew is in the hospital because of a GI bleed. He already had surgery but he doesn’t want to have any blood transfusions. He lost a LOT of blood. The elders (the blood comity) and his mom (my sister-in-law) came into the hospital room. Because my nephew is disfellowshipped the elders from the blood comity spoke to my sister-in-law who then spoke to my nephew. Whaaaaaa? It was like watching something from a bad comedy. I would never have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes. Here’s the funny thing. My niece (from the same family) never got baptised so everyone talks to her. So, don’t get baptised.
Harry,
What you describe almost sounds like the bizarre behavior of some alien culture in a science fiction novel. Or something directly out of George Orewell’s writing.
Your right about baptism. That’s why I tell my children never to get baptized. Then they can’t (officially) shun you (although some JWs will).
WS
@Winston Smith, I felt confused about it so I asked my sister-in-law if the elders saw my nephew broken down on the side of the road, in danger, would they help him as good samaritans? She answered yes, they would help him, but they didn’t speak to him while they were in the hospital room with him because he is living with his girlfriend out of wedlock. Then she became irritated with me when I asked her wouldn’t the blood issue be like helping him as good samaritans? She told me I need to trust in the elder arrangement and put more trust in Jehovah.
I guess it wasn’t a problem for the Good Samaritan since when he found the Jew by the side of the road, he was unconscious. Thus no need to risk having to speak with him.
They use disfellowshipping to dehumanize those who don’t follow their rules and whims. Much like being thrown out of the synagogue by the Pharisees.
WS
I didn’t get dunked yet I was shunned, very cruelly, when I left. It must depend on the dynamics at the KH, like who the Alpha-Elder is and how he rolls.
I’m sure if it was pointed out that, technically, I shouldn’t have been shunned, they would have come up with some excuse to justify their inconsistency. They’ll always take the low road when it comes to dealing with us apostates. They dehumanize us and treat us as “the Other” and “less-than”, so it’s easy to take that low-road and very smugly and self-righteously too.
Yes, sometimes they do shun unbaptized publishers. The official rule is that they are not supposed to, but some people choose to and some elder bodies try to enforce it.
About 25 years ago, one of my cousins, who was an unbaptized publisher, was actually disfellowshipped for fornication with a judicial committee and everything. That was seen as a major faux pas on the part of the elders and they eventually got the smack down by the CO. They were removed and the disfellowshipping overturned. But it left the congregation not sure how to treat my cousin.
Remember, they are also told to limit association with (or mildly shun) average “worldly” people. Like the one example from the latest DC where the JW woman won’t have a coffee break with her coworkers. The rule that you can’t disflowship an undaptized publisher is kind of a loop hole. I think it really comes to legal issues if they were to try to do so. So the way it works out is that if families want to continue to associate with an unbapatized person, they can, but they still may choose to shun.
Some members of my family typically don’t shun unbaptized members who have left, but they do shun baptized members, even if their only sin is being “inactive.”
WS
I like that statement do not get baptized…I left that organization (Chaotic at best ) I was an unbaptized publisher for a while but really felt I needed to see the real deal, anyway here I am no longer an unbaptized publisher yet they do attempt to shun you in their own strange way. I see this as a badge of honor as I really feel their sheparding the flock manual of 2010 has been a power struggle for this organization and will continue to promote the withdrawal of many more people as they see the inner functions more clearly down the road leading off into everlasting happiness 0)
Yes, the GB believe in the Golden Rule: “Give us your gold, and we’ll make the rules.”
Well said!
Joe
I think you are trying to convince yourself that you’re in Jehovah’s organization. However, citing volumes of man written materials from years ago will not convince anyone here. Jehovah’s laws are simple to understand and timeless. Unfortunately the GB in recent years has started to publish their own understanding of various scriptures and demanding absolute acceptance of the aforementioned. Any questions,any hint of insubordination will land you in the back room. You know it I know it, every honest witness knows it.
And by the way since when is the material presented at the conventions for negotiations with ones conscience?
I think it’s time for you to be honest and objective with yourself.
The problem comes from the belief that they speak/represent God.
Look at it this way:-
If God has had the bible, with its advice, written and is complete in itself who are these masters of your mind and why would God need them if he’s already spoken?
It should, and rightly so, come down to YOUR conscience inline with the facts and circumstances of each individual case and if it’s behind closed doors where these decisions are made then you are being controlled and your judgement of shunning is illegitimate, unscriptural and false.
You are not the masters of our faith.
Although I’m fortunate enough to have avoided total shunning by my parents, I have come up with a way of thinking about it that does help with dealing with them.
You see, I have four parents. Two are quite lovely; kind and intelligent.
The other two are mad cultists.
When I am with them, as the adult in the relationship it is up to me to control who I spend time with by avoiding the buttons that make the cultists pop out.
Absolutely true. Steve Hassan describes the authentic self and the cult self. I have similarly learned to recognize which I am dealing with when encountering my JW relatives. Once the cult self surfaces you have to disengage or change the subject because there is no reasoning with the cult self. It sort of like dealing with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
Well Joe, one thing you have learned quite well from the society is to use intellectual intimidation.
Very well written article. After being disfellowshipped and then reinstated, so I could have easier contact with my parents, I faded. My brother got disfellowshipped and never went back. This happened decades ago. My parents have alternately shunned and when it benefited them, associated with me, not so much my brother. Now that they are older and made no retirement plans, due to the end coming before I would go to junior high (I’m now in my mid-50’s), they suddenly want a relationship with financial subsidizing. This organization’s cult teachings tragically fall short on being a loving, Christian organization. I throw kudos to all that have escaped it’s clutches and are free to think and believe their own thoughts.
It’s common cult practice to separate those still
in thrall to their propaganda, from ones who have
broken the spell and woken up.
Judging by the amount of material at these assemblies
concentrated on the practice of shunning. It’s apparent
that the WT cult has a big problem with more and more
becoming disenchanted. Hence the need to step up the
separation process.
Shunning has now been extended way beyond any
perceived Bible context, to “Faders”. People who are
by no means evil, but simply want no more to do with the
organisation and have stopped attending their meetings.
Being shunned especially by family is heartbreaking.
But a couple of things to consider I think. 1, If we give
in to coercion and go back for families sake, could we be
happy putting ourselves back under cult control?
And 2, By returning would we not be strengthening the
position of those shunning us? Thereby making it harder
for them to eventually make the break?
And of course by giving in, the controllers shunning
strategy will then have succeeded.
Twmack,
Very interesting! Most disturbing is how your points perfectly describe a hostage situation.
I’ve been thinking about how those who teach and continually reinforce shunning are actually revealing a high level of desperation.
Contrast this to other religions and their ministers who preach but leave it up to the adults in their congregations to apply or not apply what they hear in church. These ministers do not worry about policing and punishing. They know their job is to preach the gospel and it’s the adults’ purview to respond as they will.
So, this begs the question. Why is JW Org so desperate? It is quite possible that they are well-aware that their theology is seriously flawed. They also, by their actions, reveal a lack of faith that what they have to offer has the power to reach hearts or retain members.
When you claim that your members are united in the same line of thought but you severely punish any who disagree, this isn’t true unity, rather, forced compliance. It’s a house of cards built on a questionable foundation.
The leadership claims their preaching is to help people to have everlasting life, yet they practice perpetual non-forgiveness instead of Christian forgiveness and assign people to the spiritually dead category. And even after years or long after someone has stopped sinning, they still aren’t forgiven unless they accept the teachings.
Those who have to use spiritual blackmail cannot be said to be true spiritual shepherds. Jesus was a light shining in a dark place and he never forced anyone to agree with his teachings. He instructed the apostles to do likewise.
Really liked this comment
@Athlyn,
“Why is JW Org so desperate? It is quite possible that they are well-aware that their theology is seriously flawed. They also, by their actions, reveal a lack of faith that what they have to offer has the power to reach hearts or retain members”.
Very insightful to the organizations desperation.
My own mother, who had been in the “Truth” for over 60 years, was suffering from dementia for 4 years and on her death bed for the last 13 months of her life. Q. How many shepherding calls did she receive from her elders during the last four years of her life? A. Not one; period!
Did she do anything wrong, other than she could not make meetings or field service due to her health? Nope.
She was SHUNNED by her own shepherds who could have provided her with some encouragement. But as she was already baptized they couldn’t count the time. In addition, she was the “living” embodiment of failed Jehovah’s Witnesses prophecies/predictions of Armageddon’s imminent arrival. Visiting her would be something they would soon face and they can’t take it; that is, cold hard reality of their own mortality.
You can best believe that when she died at 87, one month from her 88th birthday, I did not use the Kingdom Hall or their “memorial services/talk” but wrote in the obituary that “funeral arrangements/services would be private.”
The elders are doing the same to my uncle, in a nursing home, in another circuit. Same amount of years baptized, a former “presiding overseer”. No one visits him either. I ask the nurses when I visit him. Truly a sad state of affairs.
However, what has he done for the congregation or Jehovah’s Organization lately? Is he counting time, supporting field service arrangements, contributing, etc. No, to bad for him, lets SHUN him!
Athlyn, really liked your comment as well. You have summed it up and hit that nail on the head. All your points of reasoning I have thought of, and agree with. The phrase “forced compliance” is SO true. Especially for born ins.