Have you ever seen someone who has been victimized and then gets blamed for it? Perhaps as a current or former Jehovah’s Witness you have experienced this firsthand. Have you ever wondered why people blame victims for suffering they obviously had no choice in experiencing?
Admitting guilt is not something that’s easy to do. It’s much easier to find a way to criticize someone else than to accept responsibility for your own less than palatable actions.
We all have a tendency to feel extremely vulnerable while in the presence of human suffering. It’s simpler to deny, justify or explain away what’s happening than to stop and help out. Yet, throughout history there has invariably been small groups of people who have resisted that human trend and stood against it.
The former Witness community is one of those small groups of people. In a world where Watchtower abuse is largely ignored, they are able to come together for a single purpose when the need arises to help the world see what is truly happening within the Jehovah’s Witness religion.
A fitting memorial
A small number of innovative former Witnesses recently decided to organize a special day of mourning for those affected by the harmful doctrines and policies of the Watchtower religion. The first annual “Watchtower Victims Memorial Day” was held on July 26th and had a very encouraging turnout. The Facebook page contains many beautiful images of people placing flowers and notes outside Kingdom Halls in memory of those who have died, been abused, or are estranged due to Watchtower policies.
Suffering caused at the hands of religion can be like a festering wound that takes a long time to heal. It seems to trigger a unique grieving process that demands creative thinking to attain lasting closure. This memorial day has given the opportunity for people all around the globe to move towards that closure. It also raises awareness that they are true victims that mostly live in silent grief.
Victoria Summers’ participation in this day of mourning got the attention of The Bucks Herald, a weekly newspaper covering Aylesbury, UK and its surrounding villages. She placed a poignant poster on a Kingdom Hall gate spelling out her tragic story as well as a bouquet of flowers.
Victoria told the newspaper she endured a ‘lifetime of unhappiness’ which included a childhood isolated from the outside world. After giving so much of her life to the organization, she decided to leave it behind. Tragically, this resulted in estrangement from her family. The Bucks Herald contacted the Watchtower, but they neglected to comment on her actions nor the memorial day itself.
As in many cases of human rights, throughout history the perpetrators simply turn a blind eye to the suffering they cause. Because there is no official Watchtower response we are forced to use the reactions of everyday Jehovah’s Witnesses as a barometer. Here are two responses in the comments section of the Bucks Herald article:
“…The kid is a crybaby. Sorry. Lets talk about her low morals that got her removed after several times of assisting her..shall we?” – conflamamusic, a Jehovah’s Witness
“The family of this woman is only following what the Bible teaches. This woman made her own decision to be shunned when she turned her back on God and refused to follow the Bible. She could be reinstated anytime she wants to turn around and do the right thing. The problem is in her hands.” – Keikihipa, a Jehovah’s Witness
The harsh, juvenile words of these Jehovah’s Witnesses show a complete blindness to the harm their religion causes. They simply hide behind their personal interpretation of scripture and blame the victim for his or her own suffering.
Blaming victims has been the go-to strategy of perpetrators of human rights violations throughout history. Sadly, these Witnesses are merely parroting the words of their leaders who are the real culprits. Instead of seeing the harm that has been caused, they can only point the finger at the afflicted and bury their head in the sand.
Slow and steady wins the race
Raising awareness for human rights abuse does not happen overnight. There was a time in our western world when it was commonplace for arbitrary traits such as the color of your skin or your gender to put you at a severe societal disadvantage. Only through the tireless efforts of a determined few could their rights come into mainstream consciousness.
I’m sure those folks were called cry babies as well, but they certainly didn’t let that stop them. They valiantly moved forward, slowly and steadily, towards their ultimate goal – and continue doing so to this day.
I am proud to count myself as part of a community who are working towards a better future – one where families are not divided by differing religious beliefs. I also understand that such a world can only be approached one step at a time. Hopefully, this victims memorial day will become one of those steps by continuing to raise awareness of Watchtower abuses for years to come.
See you next July 26th!
Congratulations to you and everybody that works step by step to help us continue to have hope that a day we will be plenty free. We are already free in mind and in thoughts. But we want more.
I am in Brazil reading all of you every day.
I stay ancious of the issues of John Cedars and all of you
We need persons like you. you are my brothers
Domingos Abreu wrote : “—to have a hope that a day we will be plenty free. ”
If you want to be really plenty free, just put this day within your arm’s reach now.
What are you expecting of this corrupted religious organization ? Why should you hang some requests to the gates of their “kingdom” halls ? Are you dreaming ?
They will not hesitate to go on paying bribes to the competent authorities to be able to continue their religious fantasies.
Feel free now, instead of waiting for a tomorrow which will never come, and let them go their own way with their behaviour full of corruption and manipulation.
Please try to be a little more realistic !!!
Im not sure how this will work out. people will always turn it around as a reason to attack and blame those of us who feel taken for a ride and had our faith misused.
however,
to have a designated day for such a reminder seems a bit risky,open for much critisism. for me though, to be reminded, or remind others of such pain year after year is like constantly opening old wounds, I dont know If Id want to look forward to that each year. but I guess some feel its healing.
Id hope those horribly and [willingly] uninformed persons who are so critical of those of us, who simply left for no other reason than choosing pure and simple Bible teachings over those of men, who post such unloving and self righteous blubbering in news commentaries and forums can someday see past the blinders they have on and realize their actions make them in opposition to God.
I’ve read some of the comments, and they just don’t understand. Victims must have a voice, and it’s not just the victims that left, it’s also those who are still in with the Jehovah’s Witnesses that are victims of cult teachings. Families are being torn apart, and God is being disrespected. I had someone tell me that this day would be like flagging a dead horse! Opening up wounds! It’s just one day in the year that I can concentrate on how I have overcome a dishonest religion. Give closer to those victims that don’t have a voice and remind others to be aware of what it would be like to be a Jehovah Witness. Honestly, those who have read the posts and seen the pictures are reminded of how any religion can have such a damaging effect on people no matter where they live. I don’t expect that the Watchtower will ever change because of this day, but it may have waken some of them up to question, and remind those who left that they do have a place to mark closer. You have a religion that has taken years away from reality from loads of people. Someone has to speak every now and then. This is just a day to do so! It’s our human right to do so!
I should read the Bucks Herald article before commenting.
The report is very one sided… what about the husband who lost his wife through her Adultery? Doesn’t he have a say?
OK… good for Victoria that she has found happiness at last.
The way the article reads smacks a little of justification of the “world” we all once left.
Adultery is wrong… unless you think you are in love.
Getting high or relaxed on tobacco, alcohol and other drugs is OK.. never mind the social consequences.
What’s wrong with celebrating a Birthday, Wedding or any other occasion when the praise goes to Your God… It is the turning of such events into an Orgy and Debauchery, that a Christian shuns.
I too, am against the extremes the WT has gone to in its Shunning policies… but, are we all now griping against “Keeping the Congregation clean?”
It is the Cutting off from sources of support and love that is wrong.. and, in my experience the only total shunning I ever knew, occurred when individuals sought to disrupt the congregation and rejected the “blood of Christ” that had saved them.
Maybe, I will draw fire on this one but the Bucks Herald has certainly drawn strong comment on both sides of the issue.
Human rights maybe… but, what about our Human responsibilities?
GEM, must I really draw you a diagram to demonstrate how “Keeping the Congregation clean?” (as you put it) and causing divisions in the family circle are two vastly different things? Must a family really be ripped to shreds in order for a religious community to be considered above board? What does the example of the prodigal son tell us? Please do some research on shunning and how it pertains to the Bible. You will find that the practice of excommunication, as noted by a 1947 Awake article, is “altogether foreign to biblical teachings.”
So, Victoria can have her family back on condition
that she returns, and becomes an obedient J,W,
for life. Which involves submitting to a totalitarian
regime and conforming to the group mentality as
laid down by seven mortal men in New York.
Who’ audacious and extravagant claim to be God’s
exclusive spokesmen simply cannot be substantiated.
In fact quite the reverse.
Thinking is not necessary, there’s a ‘written rule for
every aspect of life, that even extends into the privacy of
the bedroom of married J,W’s.
It also means accepting without question their faulty
explanations of the Bible. According to W,T,
literature since 1914 we should have been well into the
new system by now. (My sister a J,W, for over fifty years
died recently in a hospice, she said to me “Who would
Have thought I’d end up here”) False hopes, and
disappointments.!
The 1914 generation teaching failed miserably and has
had to be bolstered up with the “Overlapping ” generation
myth. Jesus put it plainly without any ambiguity he said
“This Generation” and 37 and half years later the prophecy
on Jerusalem was fulfilled
This organization is not entitled to our unquestioning
obedience. Victoria, families are precious but if it means
submitting to cruel emotional coercion in order to retain
their love , Would that make us truly happy.
Our families too have been indoctrinated and believe
they’re doing God’s will. But how would Jesus treat an
erring relative, we have his thoughts on this in the
parable of the Prodigal Son. Although he had led a
completely selfish and immoral life, When his father
saw him in the distance he ran towards him. ‘Yes the
father ran to him’. So the hope is that our family will
eventually accept this loving attitude rather than us
giving in to the tyranny of a human dictatorship.
@GEM – “Keeping the congregation clean” is a hypocritical disciplining device with a bias from the start. It only applies when a “sin” is public knowledge (or congregational), thus it is only used to make statement, “we’re not letting Sister B (or Brother Y) get away with doing blah, blah, blah on the hood of a car with her (his) sister’s husband (brother’s wife).” That said, it goes to appease the “church ladies” who comment that “we’re an elite group of high morals, etc, etc who wouldn’t do ____.” From a scriptural standpoint, everyone who sits in a KH (or church) was/is a sinner; if they weren’t, they wouldn’t die–“the wages of sin = death”. Therefore, show me an immortal JW and I’ll show you God because no one is good except–Mark 10:18.
If you want to excuse shunning by saying, it’s only for repeat offenders, then dismiss the entire KH, because every time they pray it includes “forgive us our sins.”
So, bottom line, d/f applies to persons who refuse to “obey” (unconditionally) an elder, an administrative decree. Given that elders (generally) do not possess credentials for therapeutic assessment of person’s state of mind and follow a ‘one-size-fits-all’ script, d/f with its social costs is dehumanizing and another undue influence mechanism–a huge psychological/emotional weapon of threat and intimidation.
The Watchtower modus operandi offers a scripted “do this,” “stop doing that,” and “don’t say this” outline for behavior. Addicts who come to the Watchtower and reform express a constant “struggle” to change because there is no attempt to find the source of issues leading to emotional, physical, or chemical dependence. The Watchtower doesn’t care if homosexuals are genetic or environment-driven, it only focuses on the behavior and expects that to change without regard to emotional impact.
Thus, when you’re changing outward behavior but not affecting the emotional roots to motivate a change, it’s a recipe for disaster–and discontent. Go down the JW task list of what you’re supposed to do, and does it make you “happy” [whatever the heck that means]? No, well, you need to add more to your checklist. So, an individual is always out there chasing this elusive, abstract concept of happiness.
Hi Ted,
You say in the last paragraph of your comment : “Our families too have been indoctrinated and believe they’re doing God’s will.”
In fact it is very difficult for an active JW not to believe he is doing God’s will, as he is not really aware of the brainwashing he is getting through.
I give you an example.
In the WT article studied during the week from July 28th to August 03rd, the word organization is written 20 times.
During the study of this article in every kingdom hall all over the world the JWs will hear 20 times the word organization through the reading of the WT article, and in addition to that let us say at least 30 times through the answers to the questions made during the WT study. So altogether the word organization will be mentionned about 50 times during the above WT study.
Difficult for an active JW to escape such an indoctrination.
This ‘shunning’ business should be in reverse!
It is ones who have left the wicked organisation behind who are in the right. It is us who should shun them!
However, it seems that they continue to make us feel the pain.
Jesus said that no-one has left fathers, mothers etc. for his sake and not received more back in return. This website shows that we have got brothers and sisters and mothers and fathers out there who do feel the same. Perhaps one day we can have an ex-JW convention and all meet up. This Watchtower victims memorial day could be a step in the right direction and maybe one day there will be more with us than against us.
Interrogative?
It’s 34 years since I attended a W,T, study
so evidently nothing’s changed. I’m sure
some brothers think “Organization is a Bible
word, I wasn’t sure myself until I looked in the
complete concordance and found it doesn’t
appear even once.
Strange thing is though, In the Ministry School
we were often counselled about over use of
the same word or phrase. It does wear on the
nerves after 20 times or more.
Rather than a Bible word , Organization is a
Corporate term a word that a lawyer might use.
In fact I read some where that it was judge
Rutherford who introduced it.
Beautiful point Bad Penny as I have thought about this very exact thing you speak of here many, many times; regarding shunning them. Many here have experienced the truthfulness of Isaiah 66:5 regarding being excluded & shunned only to have the WT outright lie about it to the public & the media–and if you read that scripture it shows that, not only did they exclude us with the belief that the were rendering an act of service to God by saying “may Jehovah be Glorified” but it also says that in that verse that THEY are the ones that will be put to shame…..this is particularly to with so many recent cases of Child Molestation coming to light and the victims who took a stand for what is right by going to the Police only to be shunned for it. In the end, the WT was put to shame because of it–just like we’re seeing in the Conti Case.
So yes, it is us who should shun them. Thanks for sharing this point.
Organization is not mentioned in the bible, however congregation does appear in that NWT some 254 times 1984 edition and 208 2013 edition.
In the WT study articles for July and August congregation appears 5 times
However, the non-scriptural term organization is used 55 times.
So one has to wonder why it is the WT takes the non biblical term organization in preference over the biblical congregation.
brainwashing indeed.
Actually this week’s WT study article uses the non-biblical word ‘organisation’ 24 times and the biblical word ‘congregation’ only once. The de-emphasis of Jesus’ role in the congregation is clear, as his name only appears 5 times and only used in minor context.
The power of repetition is an effective tool for the indoctrination of the masses. The WT is a master in this technique
@ Bad Penny, I completely agree. Enjoyed your comment as always
@ Interrogative, your comment specifically where you said “Feel free now, instead of waiting for a tomorrow which will never come, and let them go their own way with their behaviour full of corruption and manipulation.
Please try to be a little more realistic !!!”
Trying to act like you are the master of human emotion, thinking and the dictator of other peoples actions. What human rights was Domingos violating? None. Perhaps he is expressing the freedom to love lost loved ones or to be loved again by them. His gratitude was met by your ignorance and bullying words. You speak without listening to his viewpoint and choose to insult his intelligence.
However by your insults you only show your ignorance and your lack of insight and arrogance. I imagine this shows up in your interpersonal relationships with others. Here is a simple thought, are you a verbal bully using childish tactics, I hope not, or did you post without thinking? Hopefully.
If it was a mistake apologize to the man.
If it wasn’t, then you share your misery just like the JWs. You have a closed minded approach to other peoples lives and feelings and as such you are part of the problem. Then it is obvious that you are a custom made Jehovah’s Witness masquerading as something conflicted and different.
Gem.
Yes a congregation should be kept clean. But dont you think that obligatory shunning is wrong. In other words, one must shun a friend or family member, or become marked themselves. Dont you see that shunning often results in whole families being torn apart. Suicide. Depression. Isolation. I know one woman that conditioned her sons mind, to have nothing to do with his father. She used shunning as a way to punish her husband, at the expense of her son. Another thing. How many get re -instated simply to have their families back. After that they can simply fade, this is causing the shunned one by force and blackmail to live a lie. But that is ok is it? It sure keeps the numbers up. A wrong is a wrong, but two wrongs don’t and never will make a right.
@Cedars and JBOB:
My knowledge of the subject is incomplete. Just to make you aware that I grew up in a household where my mother was VIOLENTLY opposed to my Father’s faith. Every day was torture for my Sister and I. We were up for adoption at one point… I still remember my mother taking a knife to my father and brandishing the words NO JEHOVAH’S WITNESSES across the front door. Dad was an Elder for 50 years.
I suspect that You Cedars, are too young to remember better days. The Congregation was a shelter for us… our only protection. It could be argued from my Mum’s view point too.
Occasionally, announcements were made… and folks were disfellowshipped. We did not fraternize spiritually but assisted them in any other way. I remember sitting in the audience, at a District Assembly in Grenoble France, with a GP friend of mine.
Next to us was the disfellowshipped Sister of my Pen friend and her diamond merchant lover. Dave and I both smiled and encouraged to keep on making it back.
Then the whole human level of decency in these matters deteriorated. It was the biggest catalyst in my Exit.
So, I do speak with history behind me.
There is no mention in the Bucks Herald about a possible grieving husband… the brunt of his wife’s Adultery.
Or, have we lost our own sense of Humanity here?
You still have yet to explain why preventing a wrongdoer from “fraternizing spiritually,” as you put it, should have anything to do with family bonds? Could you focus more on explaining why ripping up families is necessary to preserve a congregation’s reputation? Could you further explain why it is right and proper for someone to leave a religion and be punished for doing so, which has been the case with Watchtower since 1981? Again, I think research and contemplation on your part rather than harkening back to the ‘good old days’ is called for.
To JBob.
Your well-phrased words are copied and hung on my wall in my office. Thank you for saying it so eloquently.
It’s word-for-word what I believe.
Gem
Gem
Shunning Today means “not even emailing or texting” the shunned one. So forget the adultery side, indeed forget the reason why someone was disfellowshipped. Do you agree with shunning.
GEM seems more interested in a single family divided by adultery than thousands of families rent asunder by shunning. It’s evocative of the straw in the eye versus the rafter.
tiger 123
I really was not aware that some people might find my comment offensive or schocking. I am sorry and will take care when comenting next time.
tiger 123,
I must admit that it is not easy for me to realize the emotion a person must feel, when completely shunned by family members, for the simple reason that I am not disfellowshipped, as I am completely fading since more than two years (after 40 years in) and still have normal contact with my family members, although I am now living alone. Having suffered many years due to the interfering of fanatic elders in my family life, I know much more than a tiny little bit about suffering and enduring injustice. But what you told me will surely make me reflect now on the difficulty endured by those completely shunned by their family members. Thank you for your kind help. All the best for you.
Gem
I assume the reason you are not answering is because you are researching shunning. I hope so anyway.
I would still like to know though.
Do you agree with shunning.
Sorry Cedars:
You have failed to read my posts correctly…for your information I left in 1981 plus a few years of self examination and fade over this very issue.
I have already told you…WE DID RESPECT THE FAMILY BONDS. When erring ones left, the Spiritual Shepherding was the province of the Elders team.
Again… I repeat… my quite extensive French family (4 generations of JWs).. kept the family bonds,… unbroken. They were “the good old days” I refer to.
Having endured a life time in a divided family and a spirit of “compromise”… I could not stomach the punitive measures which flooded in during the early ’80’s.
My father is still “in”… I am painfully aware of uncomfortable WT policy through him…thanks.
All the best
I am particularly perturbed by the comment that say she could be RI’d at anytime. This is false, and the RI process is unscriptural.
I tried to get RI’d 5 times over more than 18 months. This is no loving provision, it’s pure control.
Kate xx
Gem. I declined to comment on the article in the Bucks Herald despite the Jehovah’s Witnesses on there ripping me to shreds without knowing a damn thing about me because I felt I had said all that I wanted to say. However, I have now had enough of words like ‘adultery’ being thrown around high handedly by people who know nothing about me. The ‘poor’ ‘grieving’ husband I ‘abandoned’ had abused me mentally and emotionally for the entire five years of our marriage. That is putting things mildly. There is plenty that I could have said to the reporter to justify my decision but I chose to retain some dignity rather than spill my guts all over the press about someone who would likely not see the article and be able to defend himself. Silly me. Perhaps you would have preferred it if I had done that? Also, for your information, I was legally separated and in the process of getting my divorce (I divorced him by the way for his unreasonable behaviour) when I happened to meet my current husband. I hope that my supplying this information to you has gone some way towards salving your injured sensibilities as you clearly needed an explanation of why a complete stranger ended her marriage. Perhaps it will at least be enough to stop you bandying words like ‘adultery’ around without knowing the facts. And I suppose an apology would be too much to ask.
@ GEM, you portray a judgemental attitude typical of JWs. Whether or not Victoria committed adultery is not for you post.
Are you above temptation and weakness?
The parable of the prodigal son is just as much about the ‘older judgemental brother’ as the wayward child. Make sure you’re not the older over righteous brother.
Look at the context of what the apostle Paul meant on keeping the congregation clean. It was congregational not family. The WT extends the scriptural passage to include the family not just the congregation. The WT goes ‘beyond the things that are written’ Take a close and honest look at the letter to the Galatians where Paul argues that salvation comes from faith in Christ. Not Faith in Christ + the law of Moses. While the watchtower makes commentary on to the face value of this letter they hypocritically teach that salvation comes from Faith in Christ + an unquestioning allegiance to the WT society. Wake Up.
Well said Victoria, I walked out on a toxic JW family over 30 years ago. If I had stayed I would be dead. No one walks in our shoes, knows the facts but some are all to ready to jump and make judgements. Well done for speaking out and giving people courage. You do not have to justify or explain. Enjoy your life. Enjoy your family.
Folks,
Another thought provoking article, James. GEM, I have read the entire newspaper article and now I can comment.
The manner in which the WTBTS practices shunning is morally and scripturally wrong. That point has to be made as many times as it is required to get the WTBTS to change.
It violates the UN charter on Human Rights, it violates the Christian principle of loving everyone and it violates the consciences of many Jehovah’s Witnesses who are told to shun their relatives by their “Faithful and Discreet Slave”.
Victoria, I salute you for your service to the many unfortunate people that are also in your position. I thought your interview was dignified and put your point across very well.
GEM,
You have had a reply from Victoria. I hope that her further comments on what must still be a painful subject have salved your conscience. I must say that I was disappointed by your comments. The circumstances surrounding the breakup of this young lady’s marriage to her Witness husband was and is nothing to do with us. It is a private matter between them. I am sad that Victoria had to comment further and that she was abused by Witnesses for her brave stance.
The sexism in the WTBTS appals me. Women are treated like goods and chattel, they are there to breed new devotees and distribute literature. They have little control over their lives and even less so if they are married.
Victoria, I wish you happiness and joy in your life. Thank you for your courage and dignity.
GEM, I know that you are suffering from the fallout of a pretty unique situation and that your experiences of shunning do not mirror what has been discussed. I hope that these experiences have helped you to “take a walk in our shoes” as your comments about your mother have helped me to understand you better.
I am glad that you and I share so many principles in common and I hope that you will help us all to be a little less judgemental and a bit more compassionate. If we can show pity and mercy to others, then the world will be a better place.
Remember the passage when Jesus came upon a stoning. The lady had been caught at adultery. The law said that she had to die. Jesus refused to condone this and asked the crowd to examine their own lives and then asked the one without sin to cast the first stone. Jesus was the only one there who could throw a stone, and he was the one standing up for the lady!
The moral is to judge less and empathise more. We need to show compassion to our fellow human beings. We need to do what is right not what is easy.
It would have been easier for Jesus to cast that first stone. He would have fitted in a whole lot better and she was guilty! He chose to do what was right, to show mercy and thus help everyone to be better.
Whether the Victims’ Memorial Day will work remains to be seen. It has the right principles behind it and I hope that it will help JWs to comprehend the harm that their unscriptural shunning causes.
Peace be with you
Excelsior!
I apologise Victoria… to You. But, not to the Bucks Herald for the way the article was written.
May you begin to heal. This is opening wounds for me, too by the way.
More importantly, may the next generation you have started, feel the love of devoted parents and loving family.
All the best
very nice comment Gem, the WT has left many scares on my JW for many different reasons, so many JW have suffered in silence and for many the years have taken its toll, we need ones like Victoria and others that have the courage to speak out.
I personally know of JW women that have put up with abuse from their JW husbands ( and no doubt their would be men also) this being verbally and sometimes physical, and mostly it is brought back onto the wife, to be in subjection, to be forgiving and so on, it really is a glass ceiling, and many are unhappy in their marriages, this would reflect on the children also, in other words everything is mostly on face show and what happens behind the scenes is another story, until some just leave or leave the spouse, and then all the gossips starts, so someone has to take the blame but never the WT or the head of the house, this is what I personally know of.
And these stories from sisters like Victoria only confirms what I have already known.
I hope you have finally found happiness and your family wake up and realise that you are their blood and they have a grandchild that is part of their family.
Thank you Excelsior for your comments.
For those who have tried to judge me here… please consider my own background… with a Father (JW) who endured much abuse… yet stuck to his Faith.
Then, the love for my dear ol’ Mum… Pancreatic Cancer took her 3 years ago. I was the Apple of her eye and my Sister (never baptised) the Apple of my Dad’s eye.
The wrong child sat with him at meetings. The wrong child stood by him and Mum, to keep them together in a very difficult marriage.
Please, do not call me judgmental. It hurts deeply.
Dad, may have been better sitting on his own rather than live with a “contentious woman”. It kills me writing this.
I will never stop loving BOTH of my Parents.
Good on you… Victoria. Give your kiddie that chance, of Unconditional love.
I think the Bucks Herald took a big risk in printing that article and should be congratulated. They gave the WT chance to comment and they declined. More journalists need that courage to look at the human side of shunning.
My family still shun. My JW elder ex husband has not spoken to his daughter for 15 years. These beliefs divide families.
The Herald also gave space for the judgemental thoughts of JW’s and ex-jws.
Gem,
I like your comment about unconditional love. Let there be more of it. Please if necessary get help to heal, you do not have to do this alone. None of us have to carry the behaviours or beliefs of our parents.
So glad to be out: Thank you for your humanity
Perhaps I was wrong to stand by my Father… to pioneer, to go to Bethel.. to intervene in a Marriage, torn apart by the ever changing doctrine and policy of this Religion.
Should I have walked away (as I eventually did from WT), and left my family to “Melt Down”?
I admire the courage of Cedars for putting his head on the block… and Excelsior for the “Middle of the Road” approach he has take with his good ‘ol Mum.
Is it worth destroying my Dad completely, now that he is a cantankerous 85 year old… by stating what I truly think of WT policies?
Are some of you now telling me that I have wasted my entire life, trying to hold the family together?
This is Victoria’s hour… and, maybe that of those who have suffered Watchtower abuse.
I am not exactly in an “approved” condition myself.. but, for the sake of my Father, and access to him in his final years… I choose diplomacy at this time.
Am I wrong? What should I do… maybe I can finally awaken from a 50 year nightmare!
huh
Gem,
What I have noticed over the many years I have been out is that every family is different and everyone has to make their own choices.
It is the damaging beliefs that need to challenged. Personal attacks are not loving or helpful either way.
Shunning, people dying unnecessarily, child abuse etc these are things that need the spotlight. I still love my JW family even though they shun. My mother is about the same age as you Dad and shuns. Yes, it is painful either way. What helps is getting help either from professionals or people who understand. Cedars page is not a support group. But such groups exist.
I appreciate you apologising GEM. I hadn’t intended to say anything more but your heartfelt apology, good wishes and the obvious pain that you have gone through because of the practices of this cult make me feel I must. We have ALL gone through pain one way or another because of the policies on shunning, child abuse, people dying because they have refused blood, people who have stayed in a religion that makes them desperately unhappy only because to leave would hurt people they love… We are all trying to navigate our way through difficult situations the best we can and judging or attacking each other is not the way to go about it.
I would disagree that this is my hour. It is not my hour by any means. It is a day for ALL victims of this cult to observe if they need to, to remember those they have lost, those still inside the religion, so many reasons. I spoke out because I have the circumstances to do so and felt that I must. I am disfellowshipped and will never go back, I doubt my father, stepmother, sister and brother will ever respond even when we tell them about Holly. Their behaviour has severed any tenuous links or contact there might have been to protect and so they have, in a strange way, made it possible for me to speak when others, very understandably, can’t. Observing Watchtower Victims Memorial Day for my new family is about having a day when we can talk about my parents, sister and brother, who I still love dearly and miss desperately. Our yearly observation will also provide us with a way to start broaching the subject of my family with Holly as she becomes older and wonders about her ‘other’ grandparents, aunts and uncles. For other people, it will have a different meaning. As long as it has a uniting, not divisive, effect and gives comfort and closure to ANYONE who is suffering because of the actions of Watchtower, I think that is all any of us really care about. I would also echo what So Glad to be Out says. The journalist I dealt with did a very brave thing and I made sure she was aware of how much I appreciated her sensitivity in dealing with the story. I hope you can find peace and happiness in your own way as we all are trying to do. x
Don’t give up being yourself, Victoria.
From a JW viewpoint I am living in an unacceptable relationship. I had to be myself… true to the way, I believe, God made me.
I do battle with the little boy… who cried on the stairs with his Mum as his violent Father beat her, whilst he was drunk. He was a Merchant Seaman.
Then, that knock at the door, and this Lion turned into a kitten. Roll reversal took place. Mother, raged against this religion she so hated.
And, the little boy began to cry… because, all he wanted was to see his Mum and Dad living forever in Paradise. So, he studied and he abandoned a first class education in pursuit of Family Unity and Happiness.
He saw his Sister try to commit suicide 3 times, her descent into Schizophrenic self destruction. She could not live up to the exacting standards of a Father forcing impossible standards on her.
So, the little boy drove from Bethel and had his Sister sectioned after she tried to throw herself in front of a London Underground train. He took it on himself, NOT to call back his Parents from Spain where they were enjoying a much needed holiday.
He drove back to Bethel in tears of self doubt and recrimination… had he done the right thing?
Events unfolded and he was bullied by Bethel heavies and he began to realise that his rose tinted glasses had been smashed.
It took me all my strength not to step in front of that London bus, some few years later.
I walked out… was never disfellowshipped.. for the sake of holding the family together… and just … became myself.
I do understand Victoria… and, then again I continue to love deeply the majority of those in my old congregation… who, I truly know understand and are trapped and need to just “be themselves” again.
Cuddle up to the ones you love… God made you the way you are (if you still believe)…
God does not make mistakes…. Does He!? x
Hi Gem. I have much sympathy for the position you are in but I think telling your father at his age the whole truth about the Truth would only confuse him unless he’s got problems with the Society himself and is ready to hear it.
I think your father did a very good thing to stick with your mother even though it sounds like she wasn’t too fond of your father. What to me is shameful is for a woman and man to have to be forced to stay married to each other, even if they hate each other, just not to get disfellowshipped if they leave or want to get remarried to somebody else who actually might love them. To me, it’s no different than being forced to stay in a religion that you hate, simply to not get disfellowshipped for it if you leave. Who benefits from this kind of forced arrangement? It only causes a life of depression.
Your father and mother should have been allowed to divorce honorably and both found somebody else who they could be happy with and not having to live their whole lives being married and unhappy if that’s what they both would have wanted.
In this organization, a mate can be abusive and lazy and bad in every way but unless that person commits adultery, the innocent mate can’t get remarried without being disfellowshipped. That’s what’s wrong with this religion when it comes to divorce and remarriage.
The Bucks Herald piece on the Memorial Day illustrates the theme of the post.
It is getting increasingly difficult, now the ex JW community is getting organised for the Watchtower to get away with its sugary press relases about its clean and tidy, well behaved crowds at Conventions bringing trade to the city privileged enough to host it.
When the Watchtower still manages to get its ‘clean cut’ image in the public view, the internet age and the resulting speed of communication within the ex JW community, means that the comments sections will be flooded with the truth about JW TRUTH.
Everywhere the JW bosses look now, they are being justly assaulted. Paedophile protection and shunning, as well as deaths through the refusal of blood are far outweighing the reports admiring the earnest devotion and commitment.
Your story is very moving. I was a JW for 30 years, pioneered and all that. Now I have 45 members of my family not speaking to me, including my own firstborn. Her daughter just got married 3 months ago, without even our knowledge. Shunning is wrong, wrong, wrong. They stress family values, then smash their own family to pieces in the name of a loving God, whose son supposedly died for sinners. My only sin was questioning the Watchtower. I dislike it when JWs indicate I couldn’t live up to Jehovah’s standards…………who are they to judge. Keep on writing it is helping many, many hurting people all over the world. Blessings of the Universe to you and all who have suffered as we suffer.