My new book, The Reluctant Apostate, nears completion
My new book, The Reluctant Apostate, nears completion

It was the winter of 2012. All the talk among ex-JWs was about the Candace Conti lawsuit, recent “new light” about the “faithful and discreet slave” and, of course, the “Become Jehovah’s Friend” DVD featuring a certain ill-fated dumpster-bound warrior wizard named Sparlock.

It was with all these things happening that I began work on a new book, with the working title of Unquestionable Faith. It would blend Watchtower’s history and teachings with the story of my awakening, and document everything I have learned from objectively researching the religion of my childhood. I anticipated finishing it in just a few months, some time in 2013.

A great deal has happened since then, both in my own life and in the religion. In a way I am glad I was unable to finish the book in 2013, because it would be half the book it is now.

In addition to writing about very recent Watchtower developments (such as the Australian Royal Commission, and the launch of JW Broadcasting videos) I have been able to bring my own story to a degree of finality that would not have been possible in 2013 – before the birth of my daughter, and before I officially parted ways with the organization.

Not only is the content of the book different than it would have been – it also has a new title: The Reluctant Apostate. Actually, I think of this as not a new title but the original title. As a 20-year-old riddled with doubts about my faith, I vaguely recall once fantasizing about writing a book that would be called “The Reluctant Apostate.”

Now that I am out of the religion, I feel there is a certain poetry to turning that fantasy from my youth into a reality. Besides, ALL apostates are reluctant, at least to begin with – especially when threatened with family estrangement for pursuing their doubts to the fullest extent.

The Reluctant Apostate is now so tantalizingly close to completion (less than 50 pages left to write) that I recently launched an Indiegogo campaign to cover the costs of self-publishing. To promote the campaign, I made the following video that gives a preview of the opening pages from the book…

Within two-and-a-half-hours of the campaign going online, the $1,470 I was asking for was received. As of now, with 10 days to go until the campaign ends, it is 826% funded ($12,136).* 175 copies have been ordered from backers in countries as diverse as South Africa, Germany, Belgium, Australia, Norway, Romania, Singapore and Thailand.

The support I have received has been frankly astonishing, with lots of people sharing links to the Indiegogo campaign on social media. Two bloggers, Misha Verollet and Hemant Mehta, have been kind enough to post articles promoting the book. The latter, who many know as the “Friendly Atheist,” has kindly agreed to supply the foreword for the finished book. For those not familiar with Hemant’s work, below you can see a video in which he explains the beliefs of Jehovah’s Witnesses for those not raised in the religion.

By way of thanking everyone for their incredible support for the campaign, I wanted to give a few more sneak previews of what the finished book will look like. Below are some screen grabs from the Introduction and Chapter One. As you can see, a beautiful book is emerging thanks to the skill and dedication of my book designer, Arthur Weber (an ex-JW from Romania).




I’m beyond excited to see The Reluctant Apostate finally nearing completion after so much time and effort has been put in. I am especially touched by the support of those who are working so hard behind the scenes to make it happen.

Scarcely a day goes by without Arthur asking me some question about how I want the book to look as he works on the file. His enthusiasm to make it a success is tangible.

And at almost any time, day or night, I can log on and see that someone from my eight-person editing team (which includes Arthur, Covert Fade, and John and Jane Redwood) is leaving comments on the manuscript for suggested improvements to the text.

When I factor in the 235 who are so far backing the project financially, I am humbled at how many believe in me and are determined to see the book get printed.

As much as I enjoy making videos and writing blog articles, sometimes there is nothing like a book for helping guide someone through such a complex, nuanced subject – especially one as sensitive as this: a religion in which so many have so much invested emotionally.

I want to express my sincerest thanks to everyone who is helping turn my dream into a reality. I am hopeful that, once released, this book will make a big difference in many people’s lives, and be a valuable resource for helping Witnesses young and old break free from their indoctrination.

Once again, thank you!










* Though the Indiegogo campaign is scheduled to end on September 27, 2016 11:59pm PDT, I have the option of continuing to take orders for advance copies thereafter. I am working hard to get The Reluctant Apostate available on Amazon by the beginning of December 2016 in Kindle and paperback (I plan to start mailing out advance copies in November), but to make sure I don’t disappoint anyone, I have promised to get the book released for January 2017. Eventually, I hope to also have an audiobook version available, and a number have already approached me kindly expressing an interest in assisting with translations into other languages.


136 thoughts on “Sneak preview: A book that tells the story of a “reluctant apostate”

  • September 18, 2016 at 10:15 am

    Good work.Looking forward to getting a hard copy of the booked mailed to me.I believe this will be possible.

  • September 18, 2016 at 10:21 am

    Can’t wait for this book, i have been following you from Vlog 1 and fully enjoy all the articles put up on this great website and all the hard word all of you put into it to make others aware of what the Watchtower are really like. Exposing them for what they are.

    Just one question, will this book be available to get through Book Depository as for some reason for me anyway, here in Australia find it really hard to get anything from Amazon for some reason?

    • September 18, 2016 at 10:24 am

      Thank you! I wasn’t planning on coming to any arrangements with the Book Depository (hadn’t even heard of it until now!) but probably the best thing would be for you to let me know if you have any difficulties ordering it from Australia once it’s released. If there are any problems, I would be only too willing to explore ways of sorting things out. :)

      • September 18, 2016 at 12:34 pm

        Any chance of a book signing tour including speaking engagements in the United States? Great way to some exposure and public relations/interest.


        • September 18, 2016 at 3:10 pm

          I’m very much hoping I will get to come to the United States to do some promotion! :)

          • September 19, 2016 at 12:29 am

            @Cedars, looking forward to this as well. (Book and book tour!) Hope I get to meet you. Please plan to visit several regions in the US if you can! I’m hoping to meet some of the voices I have gotten to know here.

          • September 19, 2016 at 12:36 am

            Thanks! I will do my very best! :)

  • September 18, 2016 at 11:42 am

    Thanks for your reply, many books i have got through Book Depository, mostly the ones you have recommended through your vlogs.. I will definitely let you know if there is a problem.. Thanks again..


  • September 18, 2016 at 2:19 pm

    Congratulations!! How can I get an autographed copy? I too am working on a book that has been in the making for over 20 years. It is called Malice In Wonderland and it’s my story of growing up in the JW cult and the devastating effects incurred that I still live with today.

    • September 21, 2016 at 5:40 am

      To Marilyn, That is a great name for a book like you are doing. It took some creative thinking to come up with that name. So you were raised a JW? When did you leave and how many years ago was it? Just curious as to how long the healing is taking. I have been out over 20 years but still have issues rom being a JW for over 20 years. I was not a raised in . At least I had a “normal” life growing up and I look back on that with good memories that I still carry with me.

      I raided my kids as JW’s and 2 out of 3 have left it also. They told me it restrained their creativity all their lives. I must agree with them. I also have apologized o them for raising them JW.s.

  • September 18, 2016 at 2:30 pm

    Hi Lloyd, will you be having a tour to promote the book, and will it include Northern Ireland (Belfast or other towns eg Derry) ?
    Good luck!
    John Austin, NI.

    • September 18, 2016 at 3:09 pm

      Thanks! I will do ask much as I can! I’ve never been to NI, so I wouldn’t turn down an opportunity to visit. :)

  • September 18, 2016 at 3:12 pm

    Thanks Lloyd. I am a recently awakened/disfellowshipped Jehovah’s Witness and this process has been nothing short of agonizing. From one day to the next, I have lost my entire social network as I was a very “law-abiding” witness. I was a ministerial servant, pioneer, former bethelite and serving in my second foreign language congregation as recently as December of last year until I finally acknowledged that I could not continue to subscribe to this belief system. Your videos have been instrumental in helping me to cope with shunning from everyone that I ever knew and literally starting all over with no family and just two friends who have met since I left the organization. I can’t wait to read your book. Keep up the good work Lloyd. You are literally saving lives

    • September 18, 2016 at 3:16 pm

      Wow, thanks for sharing your story. I honestly don’t envy you. It’s extremely painful when you first start separating yourself from the organization and have to build everything from scratch, but “time is a healer” as they say. Eventually the pain will fade and you will be left with your authentic self, and people who love and appreciate you for who you are. I am glad my videos have helped you in some way on this journey. Good luck with navigating what lies ahead! :)

      • September 18, 2016 at 3:34 pm

        Thanks a lot! I’m in San Francisco, CA, USA if you ever do any events in this area it would be great to meet you

        • September 19, 2016 at 12:18 am

          @eye5wideopen, this! This is my fear. I began my awakening in January, although it had been years in the making. But that is when I truly decided that I could no longer subscribe to the belief system.

          I began to acknowledge how harmful it was and is to myself and others. Child abuse scandals and misogynistic viewpoints aside, ignoring failed prophecies and general bad advice, I feel especially hurt by the practice of shunning and how central it is to the JW belief system.

          Having grown up as a good JW, I shunned many a childhood friend who left as a young adult because I was taught it was the right thing and it would help them return to Jehovah.

          None. Literally *none* of them have. And all of them (I have reconnected with many on social media) are doing no better or worse in life than anyone else I grew up with.

          Like ‘worldly’ classmates, some are successful. Some have had struggles and setbacks. But the same is true of those of us who did everything right by the JW code of conduct.

          I look back and I see few advantages to being a law-abiding J-dub.

          And now that I am an unbeliever, I see only the obstacles I face as I contemplate leaving after a lifetime in captivity.

          And I’m not leaving to pursue a course that is morally or ethically wrong in ANY way. No desire for debauchery. I am not a threat to the ‘cleanliness’ of the congregation.

          People like me are a threat to the mind-control and that is why we must be silenced and cut off.

          It’s so hurtful. It pains me greatly to think that I was ever a dupe and a minion. I am sad about those I aided into ‘the truth’ and happy for all the students I had who never made ‘progress’.

          I have still not made my separation official because my husband and all of his family and all of mine are still in. Plus the majority of my own social network.

          It will be a difficult path to walk once I do, and I know that emotionally I’m not ready.

          The intolerance though! And the indoctrination. Shunning in and of itself is archaic and cruel and completely unchristian.

          Especially in the context of simply deciding you no longer believe a pretty far-fetched and convoluted set of teachings and you no longer want to base your life on it and spend all of your free time promoting it.

          They make it seem so sinful to want a normal life. For this you should be shunned if you were baptised? But most Witnesses continue to have regular fellowship with many of their ‘worldly’ neighbors and family members who were never baptized.

          How is that ok?

          How are so many JWs ok with this? I don’t know how I ever was, except for this: I questioned it, but I also bought into the lie that Jehovah was directing things and he would correct the wrongs in due time.

          That is such a terribly simple and effective catch-all for so many of the things that are being done wrong! Ugh!

          Just, ugh!

          • September 19, 2016 at 6:41 am

            Excellent thoughts and some great, fresh points!
            If you leave, but you are not “debauched” then how are you a threat to the ‘cleanness of the congregation’?!? How can a JW associate with Worldly people but not exJWs, who simply don’t go to meetings anymore?!?

          • September 19, 2016 at 9:02 pm

            @fallingangel75 I couldn’t agree with you more. Especially your last point about people who never were witnesses being better association than people like you and I! It is so backwards! When I first got DF’d I was on the fence as to whether I wanted to go back and that was honestly one of the points that made me realize how ridiculous these rules are! Completely manmade and indefensible! Thanks for sharing those points

          • September 21, 2016 at 8:24 am

            To add to these comments, other than my inmediate family, I have no desire to associate with the family who are still active JWs. While some of them openly shun me, others are content to sneak jibes about those who leave the religion into casual conversation. And in general they are really unpleasant, unhappy people. Why would I want to be around them? So while some of them shun me, in a way I shun them right back. I have no use for friends/family like that.


          • September 22, 2016 at 10:57 am

            I know what you are going through. When I walked away, nearly 7 years ago, I knew what I would lose. ALL of my life long friends were bad enough. But my two teenage sons were and are the biggest heartache. Every day I miss them… they haven’t spoken to me in years, now 24 and 20 years old themselves. My believing mom shuns me too.

            I recently met another ex-JW who walked away just months ago. His friendship has been amazing, like finding a long lost twin. My advice? Hang in there. Be bold! Stand up for what you DO believe, and find those who will support you… You know that you will lose everything.

            My prayers are with you.

          • September 22, 2016 at 3:07 pm

            @ eye5wideopen & fallingangel75:

            My heartfelt condolences and sympathy to you for the possible shunning by family members. I can’t imagine the hurt knowing that they will abandon you as soon as you depart this mind controlling subterfuge calling itself the “true Christian” religion.

            I consider myself most fortunate fading three years ago along with my immediate family, all other family members were either deceased or so decrepit with advanced age as anything I told them didn’t register anyway. So absolutely no shunning possible there!

            My younger brother however, stays in so as not to loose his relationship with him but will no doubt be under pressure to avoid me especially after these summer “shunning” jump-and -shouts.

            But isn’t this what we can expect from a “cult” is cult-like behavior? Ask yourself “Do any mainstream Christian religions practice it?” (The Mennonites, Quakers and Amish don’t count as you have to be born in, and they don’t proselytize as I understand it).

            I too am not practicing evil but will employ my civil rights in voting, celebrating Holidays and decorating my home accordingly. (Just as I did last year).

            That, in my humble opinion, is what true Christian freedom is all about; namely, to decide for yourself what is acceptable to God or not or whether God cares or not, period.

            Anything, other than what is written, is just imperfect human opinion. So make your own adult choices and suffer (or not) the consequences. It’s better than being a Watchtower dupe following the opinions of a bunch of old delusional morons guessing about everything and getting none of it right. I can be just as wrong as they are without all the rules, door to door work, and constantly changing adjustments in doctrine (i.e. “New Light”).

            Good luck with your fade!

          • September 23, 2016 at 7:24 am

            I am so grateful that my faded brother in law pointed me to this website.
            I stopped going to meetings just over a year ago. My husband is an elder, as is my father. My mother is a very devout jw.
            They think it’s ok to talk about broadcasts etc in my presence but are not willing to listen to any of my thoughts.
            We recently had a huge row, whereby my husband said I was mentally ill, resulting in me driving off in the car with the intention of ending my life. (Not the first time I have contemplated suicide, jw related.)
            We have now agreed to disagree and not mention religion at all when we get together.
            I’m so grateful to have this site so that I can take comfort from others going through the same thing.
            I still wake up every morning disappointed that I’m still alive.

          • September 23, 2016 at 8:49 am

            If you are having thoughts about suicide, please seek professional help immediately. Here is one option to try:

            The world has enough people like the JWs who spawn their message of intolerance and hatred. We need more people like you who are awake to their poison and can show compassion and love for others. If your family is causing so much angst for you, it may be time to separate from them. A licensed therapist who has experience in dealing with people in cults may be able to assist you in making such hard decisions.

            Here are a couple other sources to consider:

            Please keep in mind that you are not alone and there are many of us who are in the same or similar situation as you.


          • September 23, 2016 at 8:52 am

            I just posted a comment with some links for you, but it is apparently awaiting moderation. In short, if you are having thoughts of suicide, please seek professional help immediately. There is a national suicide prevention center that you can find on the web. If my other comment makes it through the link is there.


          • September 23, 2016 at 11:48 am

            To Whyamistillhere –
            The comment from your husband that you are mentally ill is very cruel. Of course the Society have said that all who disagree with their doctrine are mentally diseased, so he is really just towing the party line. Please, please, try to understand that you are worthy of life despite what the jws put in your head. You have a battle on here that you MUST win! Don’t let the bast….s get you down. Remember, you are the one with the TRUTH, not them. Keep strong, we are all here for you. Life is precious! Don’t throw it away for some mind controlled cult. Don’t let them win.

          • September 25, 2016 at 2:20 am

            @winston smith and @bad penny, thank you so much for your kind words and the links you posted. I will certainly check them out. I am also looking forward to buying Lloyds book.
            I appreciate having loving support from people in the same situation.

        • September 19, 2016 at 5:11 pm

          Eye5wideopen. I am over in the East Bay Berkeley area. If you ever want to meet to discuss JWism and our personal situations it would be good to connect.

          • September 19, 2016 at 9:06 pm

            Hey Holy Cannoli,

            Ok so I said San Francisco because I figured it was the closest large, recognizable city but I actually live in San Jose. Would be great to connect. I’m actually wondering if I know you based on your username “Cannoli” lol were you at bethel a few years back?

    • September 19, 2016 at 5:16 pm

      eye5wideopen. I am a former long time elder and
      have faded for nearly 20 years. My wife and daughter are still in and my 2 boys are out.
      My wife does metro work in SF eery Saturday. We have not lived together for a year or more. If you want to get together and discuss I am happy to help. I still have some JW friends but mostly not contacted anymore. I am over in the Berkeley area.I have had the GB stay at my house more than once and even the recent video on the German sister Rita that came out in September stayed at my house a few times.I was very well connected in the WT world. Free at Last! Free at last! Thank God almighty we are free at last.

      • September 19, 2016 at 9:09 pm

        Ok I just read this comment you’re not the person I was thinking of…it’s all good though! I’m at [email protected] feel free to contact me

        • September 19, 2016 at 9:17 pm

          Oh and another thing my parents and sister also do Metro every saturday. My dad is actually a keyman and I had a 12 hour shift as recently as last december at Embarcadero Bart. Sure we would have a lot to talk about

      • September 20, 2016 at 1:33 am

        eye5wideopen. No I was never at Bethel but I know a lot of people that were. I am sure I am quit a bit older than you but as mentioned was a well connected JW for years. My wife probably did Metro work with you at Embarcadero in SF bc A few times I would pick her up when she was done and take her out for a bite.Now she has moved over to Powell street where the cable car turns around. You sound like you are in your late 20’s or early 30’s. My family is raised and grown pretty much. Anytime you want to meet up it would be great. I will contact you on your email.

    • December 4, 2016 at 11:31 pm

      eye5wideopen, I saw your video on youtube. I found it really interesting as I am going through a similar life passage. I was brought up as a witness, at 21 moved to where the need was greater in Asia. Later had a judicial committee and judicial punishment when my wife left me, but on appeal the judicial decision was overturned and punishment rescinded. I was appalled at the Royal Commission here in Australia. I too felt embarrassed anddisgusted to be a witness when I heard those brothers: Jackson, Toole etc give their defence. I was introduced to Cedars’ videos by another brother who likewise has been dealt injustice by the Governing Body. We appreciate Cedars’ views very much and I sometimes put what I learn into my comments at the meeting to help the brothers wake up. I’m not out yet, but when I go to the kingdom hall not many brothers talk to me, except for a small group of victims. My brother who is an elder and his family shun me because I always argue with him about things happening in the organization. I want to display my story on the internet one day, so that other victims can see there are others who have been hurt. I wish we could talk about it more in our organization, but any negative talk is anethema.

  • September 18, 2016 at 5:58 pm

    Can’t wait to read this!!

    Sorry to be ‘that person’ but it appears you have a double space between “same” and “religion” in the Richard Dawkins quote.

    I’m happy to proof read a copy if you like…? ;-) Let me know and I’ll inbox you on FB as the email used for comments on this site is locked (and I’m still fading)

    • September 18, 2016 at 11:16 pm

      Thanks! I had already spotted this, but I wanted to put the PDF with the mistake up anyway just to give everyone the gist of how the pages look! Thanks for your offer all the same! :)

  • September 18, 2016 at 8:56 pm

    Hey cedars.

    I really Love All your Work and i watch All of your Videos om YouTube. But im the Kind og person who dont really have time to read books. But i listen to a Lot of books while working.

    Is there any Plans of releasing it in audio book form ?

    • September 18, 2016 at 11:15 pm

      Thank you Patrick! Eventually, yes – there is! :)

      • September 19, 2016 at 3:08 am

        eBook?? :-)

        • September 19, 2016 at 3:10 am

          Yes, it will be available on Kindle! :)

  • September 19, 2016 at 1:19 am

    On the contrary Evie.
    Twas in fact I who gave Lloyd the name for his book.
    Sometime in the future, not long from now, I invent a time machine and travel back to when Lloyd was just 20 years old.
    I tracked him down to his local Kingdom hall and, disguising myself as a piece of dry bread I managed to infiltrate the memorial commemoration.
    I stealthily deposited myself on the plate with the emblems and waited to be passed along.
    It seemed like forever but finally the plate with me on it got passed to Lloyd and as he took the plate and passed it along I whispered,
    ‘The reluctant Apostate should be the name of your boooooooooook’.
    I wasn’t sure he’d heard me until now.
    But there was a scary moment that followed as one of the anointed was present at this particular memorial, and I thought for a second that I was going to get eaten.

    Through a stroke of luck, I managed to avoid this fate by making myself look extra dry and less digestible than the other emblems on the plate.

    Needless to say, I made back to the future.

    Although this hasn’t happened yet, it has actually already happened – because that’s the nature of time travel, but please stop trying to take credit for what is quite clearly my idea.

    Lloyd, I don’t expect royalties or recognition but I think it only right and fair that you at least mention in your next book that I was the mastermind behind pretty much your entire life’s accomplishments.

    I’ve already given you the name of that book as well.

  • September 19, 2016 at 1:54 am

    Hi Cedars so glad you are leaving a book to the history of this cult. Well done I am sure it has been a hard working journey but very necessary to all who come across it in the future. I am on the final leg of my fade it has taken just over two years and very painful. Yet life is full of surprises my two girls both unbaptised have followed me and strangely enough my husband’s best friend (nothing untoward there) .My ol’ man still very active and used. I really look forward to reading your work. I have found all your utube films so informative and logical. You bros were taught well and can use this to your advantage. Seeing as the society delight in emasculating men by denying them a godgiven career over cleaning and book salesmen. (yes I am being sarcastic). I hope you make a lot of money out of this because you have put in the work and all success in this sort of venture should have it’s recognition. Well done Mr Cedars .I too hope to meet you one day just to say thank for helping my liberation from a bad legacy. Cheers Ruthlee

    • September 19, 2016 at 3:11 am

      Thanks Ruthlee, it would be nice to meet in person! :)

  • September 19, 2016 at 4:16 am

    Can hardly wait to read your book LLoyd. I am hoping you get thousands of orders and it gets a lot of attention by Amazon so they promote it so that it gets put on the best seller’s list.

    Your book could be the nail in the coffin for the Society that brings it to it’s knees. That is what I am hoping for and thank you so much for putting in all the hard work to make it happen.

    • September 19, 2016 at 4:44 am

      Thanks Caroline! Your constant support is very much appreciated! :)

  • September 19, 2016 at 5:50 am

    Hi guys. For reasons unknown to me, an ex-JW YouTuber has surfaced and decided to make the unfalsifiable claim that she is the originator of the title “The Reluctant Apostate” (unfalsifiable because she claims she made this suggestion to me on my Facebook timeline, but she has since deleted her Facebook account leaving both of us no means of proving or disproving her claims).

    I have absolutely no idea what has prompted her to make this claim. She is either confused and this is a sincere delusion she is under, or she is a pathological liar. Either way, I have deleted her comments and won’t entertain any ludicrous suggestion that I have plagiarised my own book title.

    I am the sort of person who will always give credit if someone gives me an idea, but in this instance I know exactly where the idea came from and won’t be told otherwise by those from the ex-JW community who will literally invent ANY reason to stir controversy where there is none.

    It’s very sad that there are ex-JWs out there with so little going on in their lives that this sort of behavior is a fulfilling outlet for their frustrations, but I won’t be bogged down by it. There is too much work to do.

  • September 19, 2016 at 6:08 am

    Congrats on your book Cedars! I am sure many will benefit by it. Great to see it will be available on kindle. As I have an active JW wife to contend with, e-books are the only way I can get progressive information into the house.


  • September 19, 2016 at 6:29 am

    What about me, in Canada?!? I preordered a book too!

    • September 19, 2016 at 7:39 am

      I love Canada, so if I can get over there to promote the book, I won’t need too many excuses! :)

      • September 24, 2016 at 12:48 pm

        Make sure you do the interior of BC!

  • September 19, 2016 at 6:30 am

    When does the book tour begin, Lloyd?

    • September 19, 2016 at 7:39 am

      Not sure yet! Once I have the release date on Amazon I will start figuring out my promotional plans.

  • September 19, 2016 at 8:14 am

    Congratulations Lloyd and all the people who are helping and did help during this time!
    I’m looking forward to order my first edition as soon as it is available and to start reading the election version while waiting for the paperback.
    I live in uk since years but I’m originally from Italy.
    I’d love to be of help with an Italian translation too. It’ll be a privilege to me!
    I wish you all the best!

    • September 19, 2016 at 8:18 am

      Election = electronic (t9!)

    • September 19, 2016 at 9:17 am

      Thanks Edo, you’re very kind to offer your services for the Italian translation. I will keep this in mind! :)

  • September 19, 2016 at 8:30 am

    Congrats! When you decide to tour the USA I’m in DFW and you and your family are welcome to stay with me….that will really send my family in a tailspin!

  • September 19, 2016 at 12:07 pm

    Hi Lloyd,

    Well done! Can’t wait to read your book. Still recovering from the wounds of depression shunning has brought even after years.

    Come to Scotland if you can.


    • September 19, 2016 at 3:20 pm

      I can well believe it. I’m sorry to hear about your ordeal. I will gladly come to Scotland if I can.

  • September 19, 2016 at 1:17 pm

    Well done Lloyd! Please come to Scotland!

    • September 19, 2016 at 3:20 pm

      Ooh, Scotland. I don’t need asking twice to go there! :)

  • September 19, 2016 at 3:57 pm

    I can’t wait to read the book! I hope it gets the attention it deserves. Personally, I hope to see you on the talk show circuit.

  • September 19, 2016 at 6:52 pm

    Look forward to reading the book in its entirety!

  • September 20, 2016 at 5:20 am

    I can see it now: Big press op, in Dumbo Brookyn,….right across the way from the borg….I’m sure the NYC press will cover it….I would gladly shake your hand as this site has helped me IMMENSELY ….from a faded NYC misanthrope

  • September 20, 2016 at 7:56 am

    All I can say is: Thank you Mr Cedar for this website! It helped my awaken from delusion. I really do appreciate it. I have disassociated formally last week. It is yet to be announce buh am done with Watchtower. Thank you once again. My name is Ibukun from Nigeria….am look forward to reading your book here in Nigeria.

  • September 20, 2016 at 8:27 am

    Waiting to see your book. The best apostate books so far in my opinion is that of Raymond Franz(i personally believe an anointed who ended his earthly course as faithfully as he possibly could. If i had known i would have contacted him in 2007) Crises of conscience and In search of christian freedom. No offence but anticipating to get a hold on your book. A question to everyone? Does anyone know whether any of the franz family is alive? If so are some of them in the truth? Just curious

  • September 20, 2016 at 8:34 am

    Another question i want answered. Does anyone know why the JW GB has deliberately keep the GB so small in number? The only rational reasoning i can think of is to reduce differences or arguments when it comes to formulating doctrinal policies? Secondly the smaller the group, its more likely to concentrate powers in a hand of a few. Waiting for other point of views…….

    • September 20, 2016 at 9:44 am

      The GB constantly changes size – partly because it is made up of old men who are not all in the best of health. At times the size has been close to 20 (18, I think?), although recently it has dropped to 7; did they recently add an eighth? Not sure what the influences are that make them decide when they need to expand the ranks.


      • September 20, 2016 at 5:38 pm

        How about the following. Do you or anyone else know whether any of the franz family(Ramond or fredrick) is alive? If so are some of them in the truth?

        • September 21, 2016 at 8:17 am

          No idea on that one. Neither Raymond nor Frederick had any children. In one of Ray’s books (can’t recall which one) he mentions uncles or other family members calling it quits after the 1925 disappointment.


    • September 21, 2016 at 9:40 am

      Joe –
      It is interesting that the GB have stayed at seven for some time now.
      The similarity with the Masonic pyramid of power where ‘The Grand Architect of the Universe’ sits above ‘The Seven’, may have something to do with it??
      The Watchtower was rooted in Freemasonry from the beginning with Russell. I don’t believe they have ever left it behind – of course we will never really find the truth – it’s all a big secret!

      • September 24, 2016 at 3:47 pm

        Bad Penny,
        I am currently reading a book called The Watchtower and The Masons. I found it as a free ebook online. It compares the striking similarities between Russell’s reasoning and symbology to that of the Masons.

        My theory is that Russell was somehow connected to the Masons, either directly or indirectly, but sometime during Rutherford’s reign the link was broken, resulting in all the Masonic symbols being dubbed “pagan.”


        • September 26, 2016 at 4:45 pm

          Winston – Sorry I am a bit late replying to you.
          I presume you know that Russell’s grave is adjacent to a pyramid memorial dedicated to Watchtower, complete with Masonic symbols and capstone.
          Researching Freemasonry takes one along a path involving connections with the occult, illuminati and secret societies such as Skull and Bones. It is sometimes a frightening path to follow.
          You may find it interesting to google ‘Was Joseph Rutherford a freemason?’ Then ask the same for Frederick Franz, Theodore Jaracz and any other GB you can think of.
          The current GB are not as innocent as they may seem.
          I personally do not believe the link was ever broken.
          Remember, where there is money there is corruption. Watchtower has had its fingers in many nasty pies and by taking on the new ‘’ they are trying to cover up their sins.
          Remember ‘the whole world is lying in the power of the wicked one’.
          No-one is immune from his influence.

          • September 28, 2016 at 6:19 am

            I am still researching the references you suggested. However, my theory is based on the fact that Rutherford discarded all Masonic symbols during the second half of his presidency.

            I suggest a possibility that Rutherford had continued the Masonic association that Russell started, likely because he couldn’t get his way on some issue. Much like the way Rutherford tried to get into an alliance with Hitler in the early thirties, and only took a stand against him when it didn’t go Rutherford’s way.

            There is certainly still corruption all the way to the top today, but it may no longer be linked to the Masons. That’s all I’m suggesting.


          • September 28, 2016 at 6:22 am

            Meant to start that Rutherford continued the Masonic association Russell started, but then discontinued it because he didn’t get his way on some matter.

          • September 28, 2016 at 6:23 am

            Darned autocorrect is messing with me today. Trying again: Meant to state that Rutherford continued the Masonic association Russell started, but then discontinued it because he didn’t get his way on some matter.

          • October 2, 2016 at 12:43 am

            @ winston: I feel your pain. As a friend says: autocorrect is my enema. (Lol!)

  • September 20, 2016 at 10:51 am


  • September 20, 2016 at 11:31 am

    Congratulations!!! Will their be an electronic version of the book, such as for Kindle reader? My wife is still in and I “faded” over 2 years ago, so a copy laying around the house may not be a great idea.

    • September 20, 2016 at 11:36 am

      Thank you! Yes, I will be making a Kindle version available. :)

      • September 20, 2016 at 12:40 pm


  • September 20, 2016 at 5:25 pm

    I want one….in fact two… make it three ! The JW’S want truth….boy are they going to get it !! Well done

  • September 21, 2016 at 10:33 am

    Can’t wait to read the book Lloyd.
    We have something in common in that I was baptised at Dudley Assembly Hall together with my husband and later on our son.
    It would be great to meet you back here on your ‘home’ territory promoting the book. Any chance??

  • September 21, 2016 at 2:59 pm

    Lloyd, I can not help but repeat thanks to you and the site because it was been the one steady source of mind opening discussions. It may have helped save my sanity whilst awakening. I must read your book, it may be like a whole visit with you myself. Although we are not acquainted, I feel a sort of kinship to you Lloyd, and many others here. Cheers to you one and all!!

  • September 21, 2016 at 7:19 pm

    I’m 16 and currently a baptized Jw. I started awakening in the start of high school. I stumbled upton a video talking about the jw cult. I decided to do more research and was disgusted to see how awful this cult is. I decide to help out my brother and sharing this info. Turns out, he snitched on me and now everyone treats me like a price of shit. It’s awful how to gb mind fucks people to hate sone one for believing something different….

  • September 21, 2016 at 11:43 pm

    will it be translated in Croatian?

  • September 22, 2016 at 6:08 am

    I made a donation. I’ve been following you for the last 3 years and I think it was about time I give you something. You’ve done some sizable and wonderful work so far and the best I could do is say thank you with my wallet. :) Keep up the good work man!

  • September 22, 2016 at 7:35 pm

    New World Translation Ec 12:12 As for anything besides these, my son, be warned: To the making of many books there is no end, and much devotion to them is wearisome to the flesh.

  • September 23, 2016 at 5:23 am

    Really excited about the forthcoming book. I hope it will help many people understand the world of the Jehovah’s Witnesses and move them to reach out in love instead of standing on the side-lines.

  • September 23, 2016 at 11:27 am

    @WhyamIstillhere?. There isn’t a reply button by your comment but please don’t let the Watchtower win by you committing suicide. Just as you said, you need to use this web site to say all the things that you can’t say to your husband and your mother and father and the elders. It helps so much to put down in writing your feelings and all your arguments that show that they are in a cult and are being misled.

    We all know the Watchtower has told the elders not to confront us because Watchtower knows how easily our friends and relatives would turn away if our friends and relatives did any meaningful research to see if they are really being told lies or not.

    Once we see the Watchtower for what it really is, it is so easy to see how we were being manipulated by a very clever group of men. Once we have woken up to not the “truth” but the lies, we can’t go back and nobody else that is “in” will understand until they go through their own little armageddon.

    Sometimes, all it takes is a little courage to bring up a question or two to the elders to wake up when the elders immediately imply that you are going to “apostate” websites when in reality all you did was put two and two together when you read an article like the February 1, 1980 Watchtower “The Divine Name in Later Times” on page 11 where the Watchtower magazine actually admitted that the name Jehovah was never in the Bible but was an invention of a Catholic monk in the 1200’s A.D. and so you realize it’s a lie that the Watchtower says they “restored” God’s name Jehovah in the Bible when it was never in the Bible in the first place or maybe you read in the Insight book under mediator and realize you don’t have Jesus as your mediator so you when you pray to Jehovah, you can’t pray in Jesus name but only the “anointed” can pray to Jehovah in Jesus name.

    You don’t need to go to “apostate” websites to “wake up”. All a person has to do is put their thinking cap on and have the courage to speak up to the elders when they see the teachings of the Watchtower don’t match up with the Bible. A person will immediately see how thin the “love” is when they question the Society.

    We might think we are going to make a statement by our suicide but Witnesses are uncaring and unfeeling and we would only be hurting ourselves by committing suicide.

    Think about our place in time. Billions and billions of lives were never born because the right sperm didn’t connect with the right egg but we are the product of that very special thing that happened in time. Your life is so very special and you need to make the best of the rest of the time you have left in this world.

    Those people who are wasting their very special and short lives, waiting for the “reward” that will never come, are the ones to be pitied because they will never get those precious days and weeks and years back and once they are gone, they are gone and life is so short.

    I am 70 years old and it wasn’t until 2 years ago that I finally woke up from the Watchtower fantasy and rather than look back and feel sorry for myself over the 50 years I wasted in the Organization, I am going to make the best of the rest of the time I have left.

    If you are young, you are very fortunate because there are so many of us out here who are old and don’t have that much time left in our lives to enjoy life, once freed from the Watchtower treadmill.

    • September 24, 2016 at 3:50 pm


      Just as an FYI, I have found that if you hit reply to the comment immediately above someone for whom there is no longer a reply button, your comment will be placed directly below the last comment in the chain.


      • September 25, 2016 at 3:51 am

        Thanks Winston. I will try and remember that next time.

    • September 25, 2016 at 11:49 am

      @Caroline: I really like this post. Kind and wise words. I’m about 40 and struggling with feeling like I have wasted my life until now, and very sad about missed opportunities for love and friendships and children and prosperity – so many offers I turned down in the name of ‘kingdom integrity’, denying self and putting Jehovah and his will first.

      I’m at the likely mid-point in my life and I’m having a hard time looking forward and not behind. Also, I spent my whole life earnestly believing I would live forever and it is truly a mental adjustment to realize that not only is that not true, but my life is probably half over.

      I’m grieving and mourning the loss. And it’s something I find that I can’t discuss with anyone other than ex-jws. And even people who were born in to another religion and grew up with other teachings don’t really comprehend how hard it can be to let go of when it is literally all you’ve ever known.

      I am finding it hard not to be depressed. And every one of my old friends still ‘in the truth’ says: if you no longer believe it, what have you lost? If you’ve turned your back on Jehovah and you’ve decided it’s all lies, why are you sad?

      I appreciate your viewpoint.

      • September 25, 2016 at 5:22 pm


        I know it’s difficult to move forward after an experience like this but only look back if that’s the direction in which you are going in :-)

        I regret the day my mother answered the door. Despite my mother telling the JW that she was not interested, the JW insisted (more like demanded) that she wanted to study the Bible with me and my sister – I was about 8 years old at the time. My mother being the easily swayed, unassertive person that she is, agreed. In hindsight I couldn’t help but wonder about my mother – how could she just hand me and my sister over to someone whom she knew nothing about and to a religion which she knew nothing about without first researching the religion.

        Even when I used to be a JW I never thought that it was right for me to insist/demand that I study with an uninterested person’s children, I just didn’t think that that was the proper thing to do even if the parent agreed. In hindsight too, I realized that there were some personal issues which were driving the JW’s persistence and my mother fell for it.

        Everybody is different and we do need time to mourn what we have lossed by believing the delusion that we are going to live forever but I do hope that you will have positive experiences that will heal the pain so that you will look back no more :-)

        • September 25, 2016 at 11:02 pm

          Thank you Dee. I feel like it is the same as with any other loss or disappointment. It will get easier with time.

          It’s been just about 9 months for me since my awakening and I know that is not very long in the stream of time or even my own life span.

          I am making sure that I don’t rush myself through the process of healing, but also being careful not to wallow in my sorrow.

          I am more or less successful on any given day.

          • September 26, 2016 at 2:40 am

            I have been awake for about 4 years now and fully faded for about 3. At this point i often go several days or more without even thinking about the JWs. It is only because I live with a JW spouse that I am reminded of it, but even so, the sense of emotional loss is gone. It does get better. Hang in there.


      • September 26, 2016 at 3:37 am

        @fallingangel75, when I woke up 2-1/2 years ago, I immediately tried to “save” my three grown children from wasting their lives on the lies of the Watchtower by telling them just a few of the things that I had learned about the lies of the Watchtower.

        I remember it was like yesterday when I said to them “don’t wait until you are 68 years old and find out that you wasted your life on a false religion and they were shocked and reported me to the elders and after that, I can’t get out two words and they shut me down.

        I was able to associate with them only if I didn’t talk about the Bible or the religion.

        Now my son is getting married in November and I am not even invited to their wedding but my bright spot in my life is that at least my youngest daughter was able to see the truth for what it is.

        I am hoping that before I die that my other two children and the rest of my “friends” in the JW religion will see the demise of the Watchtower Society. That is where we will find solace, is when the real truth about the “truth” comes out.

        There will always be the diehards who will refuse to see the real truth but the internet will expose the “truth” sooner or later. People just have to be courageous to stop supporting the head of the snake and the younger generation is where I hang my hope.

        Like others have said to you, look forward not back. The longer I am “out” the stronger I get and more pity I have for those still in.

        The whole time I was “in”, I never felt really happy and I can honestly say that I never feel that dark cloud of depression over my head any more that I felt every day of my life as a Witness.

        • September 26, 2016 at 4:57 am

          Thanks WS and Caroline. As some of you know, I have a husband that I love who recently began to feel that he is called to heaven as one of the anointed.

          I was already struggling with doubts about JW doctrines before that, but that was the final straw for me.

          I was trying to hang in because I thought it was the truth, but suddenly the entire canon of teachings just seemed too incorrect.

          The constant adjustments could no longer be explained as ‘new light’. There are a lot of lies and exaggerrations about the Witnesses on the Internet.

          But even when you stick to the facts of the contradictions in their own publications, they are exposed!

          I said all that to say: I love my husband very much. I don’t want to leave him, but he is more ‘in’ than ever now.

          Believing he is of the anointed, in his own mind, the stakes are even higher for him when he thinks of leaving.

          Unlike myself, if he decided it was false, absolutely none of his relationships would give him pause. He could cut ties. He does not attach himself emotionally to people like I do.

          But now he believes that it would irreparably damage his relationship with Jehovah and cost him his eternal life.

          I can’t begin to fight that battle.

          It would be hard dealing with my own awakening in any case, but I can’t ignore the witness routines that take him away from me – the meetings and field service, personal study and preparation for talks, and witness gatherings.

          I love him and I want to spend time with him. These are activities we used to do together and when he leaves alone, it is a regular reminder to both of us that I don’t believe anymore and we are divided.

          As long as we’re together and he’s still in, I don’t have the luxury of going days without thinking about it and how it impacts my present life and my future.

          On the one hand, I don’t want to leave him when this is all that is wrong with my marriage, but on the other hand, the JW lifestyle is so immersive, it is an impossible thing to ignore.

          So, I recognize the well-intentioned advice, but it is so much easier said than done.

          If I didn’t love my husband, or he was a jerk and I already wanted out of my marriage before this, it would be much easier.

          But he isn’t. He’s kind and caring and he loves me very much. Even if I left him and the organization, I would still ache for him. I would grieve like he died.

          At this point in my life, I cannot voluntarily put myself in that position. It wouldn’t help me. I would be more vulnerable, not less.

          • September 26, 2016 at 7:45 am


            How does your husband feel about the glaring inequity between the 144,000 and the Great Crowd?

            The 144,000 will be transformed into perfect angelic beings and serve as kings and priests without ever having to go through any of the things which the Great Crowd will experience:

            1. The Great Tribulation – a gruelling/horrifying event which has never occurred before.

            2. Armageddon.

            3. A thousand years of “loving” molding and refinement.

            4. A second Armageddon at the end of the thousand years.

            The 144,000 will experience none of these things, yet they will be automatically transformed into perfect angelic beings and serve as kings and priests – what does your husband think about this? Is he OK with this?

          • September 26, 2016 at 7:53 am

            ****automatically transformed AT DEATH

          • September 26, 2016 at 11:08 am

            To your comment “As long as we’re together and he’s still in, I don’t have the luxury of going days without thinking about it”

            I used to feel the same way, but believe me it will pass. Right now there is a void because you have previously blocked off time on Thursdays, Saturdays, and Sundays (or whatever your meeting days were) for JW stuff. Eventually you will find things to fill that time and the void will slowly fade away. Yes, your husband may not be around at those times, but eventually you will not notice, just like when he is at work or out doing something else, as I would guess you don’t feel the same strong sense of aloneness at those times.

            My wife and I have had ups and downs since I left, but lately we have come to terms with it and the relationship is pretty good now. And I even get her to play hooky once in a while and do something fun with me.

            There is light at the end of the tunnel even if you don’t see it now.


          • September 26, 2016 at 1:13 pm

            @fallingangel75, are you still going to meetings and field service so you can be with your husband? That might make your life less sad for you. Since you are “awake” now, you can could go along to keep him company. You don’t need to feel guilty about anything you do or don’t do when it comes to the Watchtower religion because those people have no real authority over you.

            They can disfellowship you for questioning the religion but then you will see the religion for what it really is, which is nothing but a guilt inducing conscienceless publishing company disguised as a life-saving religion who are clever enough to get 8 million dupes to do all the “selling” for them for free.

            If your Kingdom hall has a library with the 1981 Watchtowers, you might ask the elders to explain the “overwhelming Credentials” as found in the March 1 magazine.

            Tell your husband if your elders can explain how how those “credentials” qualifies the Governing Body to be over you, you will once again “believe”. (Just a thought)

            These are just the first five of the eighty “credentials” found in that article:

            (1) Noah’s wife, Gen. 7:7
            (2) angels sent to Lot, Gen. 19:15
            (3) Rebekah, Gen. 24:64
            (4) Joseph and Benjamin, Gen. 45:14,15
            (5) gleanings left behind, Lev. 19:9

            There is nobody who can justify the Governing Body’s credentials and that is the best they could come up with, which make absolutely no sense. The rest of those “credentials” are just as silly as the first five. Those credentials are a joke.

          • September 26, 2016 at 3:40 pm

            I found that once I knew the truth about the truth, having anything to do with it made me sick. I could not imagine continuing to go to meetings and service knowing what I know (I tried it for a while and it simply made me dread meeting days; besides you can only put on a show for so long before someone calls you out).

            I’d say continuing to go to meetings even when you know you the actual truth is like slowly pulling of a bandage – it just extends the pain. Besides being in that environment simply exposes the individual to more abuse at the hands of these charlatans. To me, it’s on par to telling the abused spouse to stay with her abuser.

            That’s solely my opinion of course, and each one must cope in their own way with the situation at hand.


          • September 27, 2016 at 12:50 am

            Hi Falling,
            I completely understand how you feel when you say that THAT is the only thing that is wrong with your marriage.. I was in the same situation, I loved her (and still love her)…. But as you noted, the JW lifestyle overtakes every aspect of your life and I just couldn’t do it anymore. I grieved for my marriage. But life does go on and I have been able to find happiness, and so can you!

            Peace and love

          • September 27, 2016 at 2:11 am


            IMHO I think there may be some merit to Caroline’s suggestion to accompany your husband in field service in order to be able to spend time with him as per your need to do so.

            It is my humble opinion that he could agree to disagree and your no longer wanting to be a JW would not put a strain on your marriage, but there is also the possibility that the day may come when he decides that he would rather be with a devout JW.

            So I think of Caroline’s suggestion as a way to meet your husband half way, so to speak. Perhaps going with him in field service could be thought of as spending time with him while he does his favourite hobby.

            My comment above regarding the 144,000 vs. the Great Crowd, was made when I thought about the two possible outcomes that there could be to your situation.
            IMHO, it could go either way: he may agree to disagree and stick with you or the day may come when he decides that he would rather be with a devout JW. My thinking is that finding a way to get your husband to think about what he believes will help you to hedge against the latter outcome, since you love him and do not want to leave them.

            I imagine that there is a lot of resistance from him but it’s worth trying to find the best way you can to get him to think about what he believes.

            IMHO I think it would be good to get your husband to think about if he can tell if God makes it unequivocally, unambiguously, explicitly clear up front whether it is he (God) who is speaking to him (your husband)/calling him/ inserting thoughts into his mind or whether it is the unconscious dynamics of his mind at work.

            Can your husband make the distinction between when it is the unconscious dynamics of his mind at work or when it is god who is actually speaking to him and calling him/ inserting thoughts into his mind? For that matter, can anyone do this?

            Best wishes.

          • September 27, 2016 at 11:34 pm

            Dear Falling Angel, I can only imagine the distress you are passing through. I’ve been reading your posts for a long while and I can only sympathize for you. It’s nearly 10 months since I awakened and my wife’s faith in WTS only grew stronger in this period. She’s pioneering and fully immersed in “theocratical” activities. I see some sense in Caroline’s advice of accompanying your husband, but I believe that it would only make you feel more lonesome. Because you are never together when at meetings, there are tons of people asking for attention. I feel more like Winston, I could no longer stand anything related to WTS. It makes you feel sick. I also am not able to disguise my feelings, so yesterday I formally dissociated from the cult. I do have a “former” life before WTS that I can relate to, which is a big advantage, but I also feel that my 22 years long marriage is jeopardized by our division regarding faith. It feels like our marriage is already over. But don’t let them isolate you, do something for you and for the others. Start a gymn course, a dancing course, whatever you may like. do some volunteering.
            Search for new friends. Things will go better with time.
            Keep posting your thoughts, I do really appreciate them.

          • September 28, 2016 at 7:47 am

            @ Dee 2:

            The JW doctrine of 144,000 being a literal number should not be taken seriously. It is a device used by the Governing Body (who represent the remnant of the 144,000) to hold power over the rank and file.

            Think about this for a minute; do you suppose that 12 symbolic tribes of Israel multiplied by 12,000 symbolic numbers from each symbolic tribe would equal 144,000 LITERAL individuals making up this heavenly class? I don’t think so!

            A symbolic number multiplied by another symbolic number does not equal a literal number anymore than we should suppose that the 40 elders shucking out their crowns in front of Jehovah’s throne all day and night mean that event is literal either.

            If the 144,000 were a literal number then, I am positively sure, that this number was met long before the first century ended. In other words, there were at least a million (if not more) practicing Christians by the time Revelation was completed. Why else would mighty Rome persecute a few thousand individuals unless they felt threatened by their numbers?

            There were many, many, more active congregations besides the seven mentioned in Revelation, namely Jerusalem, Antioch, Crete, Rome, Alexandria in Egypt, perhaps even in Spain, etc.

            So I wouldn’t worry to much about Revelation or anything else that we have no control over. Besides according to the wonderful chart outlined in the July,2013 study issue of the Watchtower the remnant of Christians left on earth will be removed before the Great Tribulation in some sort of “Rapture”. Yes, Hallelujah we have a “Rapture” doctrine again!
            (We used to make fun of that evangelistic teaching).

            If anyone, JW or not, reading this post believes that anyone living today will live to see any of this according to the Watchtower timeline then you’ve got a long, long, wait.

            I’ve lived to see the death of my entire family of parents, aunt’s and uncles die off (WW2/Korean Conflict). They were told they were part of the “Great Crowd”. Were they? Absolutely not and neither am I! Why? Because Armageddon is hundreds of years off. (If that event is literal that is). Therefore, if this is true, which I believe it is, then the “Great Crowd” of survivors are not even born yet which makes the evangelizing work a total waste of time, energy,and monies. But as the JW’s are duped into working pro bono (for free) then why would the Governing Body tell them any different?

          • October 1, 2016 at 11:44 pm

            @Tranquillo, thanks for your kind words and thoughts. I am both comforted and saddened by how many find themselves in similar circumstances. But we should all keep reaching out to support each other.

          • October 2, 2016 at 12:06 am

            @ winston, I always enjoy your thoughts, but this time I disagree. I made a very smooth transition when it came to discontinuing meetings and field service.

            I instantly filled the time with work, rest, and other activities I enjoy.

            I don’t miss the meetings at all. I’m happy for the new found free time.

            Because of how my life is: working woman, no kids, I have a good mix of fulfilling engagement with others at work and socially, and time alone when my husband is working.

            But you all keep hearing me say: I love him. He is kind and caring and I like being with him.

            We always spent a healthy amount of time apart, but we were really tuned in to each other when together.

            We don’t have that now. It’s lost. And I am grieving that loss.

            I will not be less sad over this with time. It may become more of a dull ache than an acute pain, but it will not go away.

            I know it won’t.

            Like the way some people remarry quickly when a mate dies, and others pine for years.

            I belong to camp ‘pine for years’. I’m that kind of person. It’s not a choice, it’s my emotional make up.

            Not at all to say that our relationship is better than any one else’s. Lord knows I would never make that claim.

            But we were always more connected to each other than a lot of couples I’ve observed, and in a healthy way, not codependently.

            That bond I had come to cherish is strained and often a source of heartache more than strength and comfort like it used to be.

          • October 2, 2016 at 12:29 am

            I miss my husband when he is at work or I am. I love coming home to him, or welcoming him when he is the one who was away.

            The concept of not noticing his absence (wherever he has gone) is a foreign one.

            It’s not like my life stops or I lose my identity when he isn’t around, or my world revolves around him.

            We have full separate careers and separate sets of friends. So when we are together we love to be together! And to make the most of that time.

            But also when we are apart, we text and call and say: I love you and I miss you.

            We’re that kind of couple. (Eye-rolling may commence, lol).

            I do get him to play hooky also. Sometimes I plan activities that coincide with meetings or field service. Lots of free stuff to do in our community. Festivals and live music.

            But I have to be strategic so he doesn’t FEEL manipulated.

            More than a few times I’ve made him miss Saturday field service or Sunday meeting just by being a woman and not letting him out of bed, purposely enticing him to stay just long enough to make him late and not worth going.

            Even though he knows what I’m doing he has so far never stopped me. So, who knows how it will all turn out in the end?

            Haven’t given up, but a bumpy road ahead, nonetheless, no matter what.

        • September 26, 2016 at 5:52 pm

          @Winston, I am in agreement with you. Once I woke up, I can’t stomach going to another meeting but I was forced to go to the Kingdom Hall one more time when my husband died and two of our grown children wanted the memorial service at the Kingdom Hall. I am actually a little relieved when my son said I am not invited to his Kingdom Hall wedding.

          I was thinking of my aunt who went to live with her son (my cousin) and she couldn’t drive so my cousin took her to the meetings and sat through them even though he wasn’t interested at all.

          I was only speaking of fallingangel75 being so lonesome for her husband’s company while he was away at meetings etc. As for me, I didn’t miss my husband’s company when he went out in service and meetings as I didn’t have any “alone” time and so when he left, I was happy, not lonesome.

          • September 27, 2016 at 6:34 am

            Caroline –
            I’m with you and Winston on this one. The thought of going through those KH doors again would be tantamount to torture. Blind guides is what they are. If a blind man leads a blind man both will fall into the pit. I’m out of there!
            TO Fallingangel75 – Perhaps you would not feel so alone if you took up a hobby of your own. Researching the JW cult can help with the decision to remain strong. Turning JW thinking on its head – you never know, by continuing to be a delightful wife you may win over your husband without a word! Love never fails!

          • September 29, 2016 at 2:35 pm


            The truth of the matter is that no one, absolutely no one, can distinction between when it is the unconscious dynamics of their mind at work or when it is God who is calling them/ speaking to them/inserting thoughts into their minds. There is just no way to distinguish this. It is therefore not possible to conclude that God calls/speaks to people/inserts thoughts into their minds. It just isn’t possible to come to such a conclusion.

            I can’t imagine that your husband would want to hear this given that he feels that he is chosen to be of the anointed/144,000, but this is the reality.

          • September 29, 2016 at 2:38 pm

            ******….. .no one, can DISTINGUISH between……..

          • October 1, 2016 at 11:11 pm

            @ Bad Penny: 1st – we are broke AND in debt. More due to quirks in the US economy than decisions made as JWs.

            Just plain old job losses and company shut downs and the cycle you get in of paying more for everything once you suffer misfortune and your credit gets ruined, making it harder to dig out because no one will lend you money at a reasonable rate and you are paycheck to paycheck so you can’t save for anything either.

            I work 50 hours a week and so does he. We often work opposite schedules. I see him in the morning when I’m off to work and at night when it’s time for bed again.

            My days are full with work and co-workers and clients, full with human contact and affirmation and validation from people whose opinions I value and whose company I truly enjoy.

            When I am alone, I am ready to be alone. My statement was not that I am lonely in the traditional sense.

            I married my husband because I enjoy HIS company. I like spending time with him, to the exclusion of others.

            Just purely based on our current financial situation, even if we were not witnesses, we would see too little of each other for my liking.

            Many other people face this reality (non-JWs) and I know it is not unique to us. My resentment is towards the fact that of an already limited amount of hours in a week, an additional chunk is spoken for by Kingdom activities.

            He feels it would be detrimental to him and his faith and our marriage to stay home with me on a Thursday night or a Saturday morning or a Sunday afternoon.

            And God wouldn’t like it.

            It isn’t that I can’t figure out how to fill the void with other people or activities. I grew up as an only child. I’m very good at entertaining myself and being comfortable alone.

            But part of why I chose my husband is that I really like his company.

            It’seems like having 3 very close friends and losing one to death: you don’t stop missing the singular bond and history you had with that person – all the stories and memories and inside jokes – just because you make another friend that you are also close to. And you still have the other 2.

            That is why I am missing my husband. We don’t see each other often and now, when we do, frequently the religious division IS an elephant in the room.

            It is very hard to agree to disagree and not argue about it when he is so proud of his privileges in the congregation, and I am disgusted that he supports it and doesn’t see the organization for what it really is.

            So then some of our time together is awkward, uncomfortable silences or actual rows, when that used to be the case infrequently.

            We are both well – read and used to never run out of things to talk about and ways to make each other laugh.

            That is what I miss and I am afraid that I will never get it back with him.

            Certainly not while he is still in and I’m out.

          • October 1, 2016 at 11:21 pm

            *It’s like having 3 close friends.* STUPID AUTOCORRECT!

            Ha ha. Take up a hobby. I have lots of neglected hobbies from when we used to be comfortable and he made six figures and I didn’t have to work unless I wanted to.

            That was another life as well. First world problems and first world suggestions for solutions.

            Lest you think I’m bitter and lashing out at you whilst you are trying to help, I am not.

            It is simply a fact that the suggestions don’t really address the particulars of my situation.

            But thanks anyway. I mean it earnestly. No sarcasm.

          • October 1, 2016 at 11:32 pm

            In response to the other part of your comment, Bad Penny, I have given thought to trying to win him over, but 2 things frustrate me about that plan.

            1) it will likely take years and 2) it will really, truly mean the distinct and violent severance from the rest of our family. Not the quiet, peaceful fade I’m currently in.

            I love our family in spite of the religious divide and I don’t want to set foot in a KH again either, but I am not ready to be shunned.

            When and if he wakes up, I know he will definitely and immediately cut ties. There are uncomfortable consequences to that outcome as well.

            I am in a place where none of my options are to my liking. That is just the sad reality.

            The problem is not that I don’t see options for change, I just hate all of my possible choices.

          • October 2, 2016 at 4:59 am

            I like your comment about the elephant in the room. I can only say that after working through my fade as a couple, for my wife and I, the elephant has shrunk to the size of a large dog.

            No two sets of circumstances are the same and no one should assume that thier circumstances are the same as yours. But at the same time, our personal experiences are about all we can offer you to try to help provide some perspective.

            You have only been faded for 9 months and most likely there is a long road ahead. From personal experience, I can only say it gets easier with time. But everyone will have a different outcome and feel differently about it.


  • September 23, 2016 at 1:10 pm

    If you come to NY, there’s a Barnes and Noble in Brooklyn near the current headquarters. An apostate promoting his book near Bethel, that would be a blast. Also, since I work in the area(NOT Bethel), I can easily meet you. :0)

    • September 23, 2016 at 1:12 pm

      Also, sightseeing is in the Brooklyn Heights/ DUMBO area is great.

  • September 24, 2016 at 3:51 am


    Well done on for all your tireless work, in helping free us from the Great Deceivers at the Org. I look forward to reading this excellent piece of work and maybe going along to book signing if you’re having such a thing here in the U.K. Keep up the good work! Regards and much respect,

    Innocent Son.

  • September 24, 2016 at 3:51 am


    Well done on for all your tireless work, in helping free us from the Great Deceivers at the Org. I look forward to reading this excellent piece of work and maybe going along to book signing if you’re having such a thing here in the U.K. Keep up the good work! Regards and much respect,

    Innocent Son.

  • September 27, 2016 at 1:49 pm

    Congratulations on the 1000%+ support for the book. The JW’s would quote Malachi 3:10 on such occasions. I wonder if the same quote could be applied here as well.

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