The Friday Column: Do Jehovah’s Witnesses cherish the marital bond?

Jehovah's Witnesses pride themselves on esteeming the sanctity of marriage. But is this true in all circumstances?
Jehovah’s Witnesses pride themselves on esteeming the sanctity of marriage. But is this true in all circumstances?

This time last year, I began my exit from the Jehovah’s Witnesses. My fade towards inactivity did not go unnoticed.

A few fellow believers and friends approached me with a strong warning: “Be careful.  Satan is working through your husband to discourage you from serving Jehovah.”

Why would they jump to such a harsh conclusion? Was he a violent man, physically prohibiting me from attending meetings?  Did he yell at me with a raised voice discouraging me from preaching? Did he berate me over my faith, pushing apostate ideas instead of Bible truths?

The answer to all such questions is a resounding “no!” He was the same kind, loving, hard-working, honest moral man I had married. The only thing that had changed was that he, one year prior, had left the religion of his youth, without any wrongdoing, discipline or explanation.

His exit triggered a change in how fellow believers viewed our relationship. For one year, I was constantly reminded of the danger of having a willful unbeliever as a spouse.

As most did, I believed Jehovah’s people respected the family arrangement, including the marital union, even if one was an unbeliever. Yet, this was not my personal experience. While I sought to find a balance in my new role, I received great pressure to give up and leave my husband.

This left me with questions: Do Jehovah’s Witnesses break up families?  Do they allow for separation on grounds other than adultery? Finally, why would fellow members insist that Satan was making a personal attack against me via my spouse?

To help make sense of what was happening, I engaged in personal research and reflection.

In October 2014, JW.org posed this very question: Do Jehovah’s Witnesses Break Up Families or Build Them Up?

This was their answer…

As Jehovah’s Witnesses, we work to build up families, both our own and those of our neighbors. … In the Bible, [Jehovah] teaches principles that have helped people around the world to have marriages that are strong and happy.

The article continues by giving experiences showing how mixed-belief families were better off because one mate became a Jehovah’s Witness. The newly converted mate could apply Bible principles to settle conflicts and strengthen the marriage bond.

However, the article goes on to admit that conversion could bring about conflict.

Admittedly, sometimes it does. For example, a 1998 report by the research company Sofres found that 1 out of 20 marriages in which only one mate was a Witness had serious problems when that one converted.

Jesus foretold that those who follow his teachings would at times suffer family strife. (Matthew 10:32-36)

As I read the last paragraph, it felt untruthful; an outright conflict of the behavior and teachings of ones inside the organization (bold is mine).

However, the Witnesses do not encourage their members to separate from a marriage mate who is not a Witness. The Bible says: “If any brother has an unbelieving wife and she is agreeable to staying with him, let him not leave her; and if a woman has an unbelieving husband and he is agreeable to staying with her, let her not leave her husband.” (1 Corinthians 7:12, 13) Jehovah’s Witnesses abide by this command.

Perhaps, if I had never been a witness and my husband had remained an unbeliever, congregation members would have provided me support and treated me differently.  But, alas, no. Because my husband became an unbeliever, willingly and by choice, I received no such support.

Rather, I had to beg the elders for a shepherding call. At the time, I was desperate for some guidance and help. It was the strangest experience.

Quickly, the tone of the meeting turned. The elders tried to pressure me to reveal private details about my mate’s exit from the organization. I refused. They warned me that Satan would try to “shipwreck” my faith through the actions of, and interactions with, my husband.

I needed encouragement and spiritual counsel. To this end, they provided me with a print out from the September 2006 Watchtower entitled, “When a Loved One Leaves Jehovah.”  It described my personal, perceived situation with such descriptive words as deep anguish, devastating, heartbroken and difficult.

The elders tried to confirm this fear by sharing the following excerpt:

So it is not surprising that humans would grieve over the spiritual loss of a beloved relative.

Indeed, the spiritual loss of a loved one is among the most difficult of trials that come upon true worshipers. (Acts 14:22) Jesus said that accepting his message would cause division in some families. (Matthew 10:34-38) This is not because the Bible message of itself causes family division. Rather, unbelieving or unfaithful family members cause a rift by rejecting, abandoning, or even opposing the way of Christianity.

I left that meeting a wreck, and the badgering from congregation members continued.  Within weeks of him no longer attending meetings or preaching, members of the congregation, including pioneers, elders, and elder’s wives, began to remind me that my marriage was second to my life and dedication to God. Without asking how things were at home, they began to assume my spouse was interfering with spiritual things.

Over and over again, congregation members offered unsolicited advice: “God comes first, so be prepared to separate.” Further, some even offered to help me pack up my belongings.

Not once did I tell anyone he was preventing me from attending meetings, preaching, or living a Christian lifestyle. In fact, he was still in good standing and had not committed any wrongdoing in the eyes of the congregation.

Now, divorce is only allowed if one of the mates commits adultery.  But three extreme circumstances allow for separation.  As explained in the book, “Keep Yourselves in God’s Love” Appendix:

  1. Willful Nonsupport
  2. Extreme Physical Abuse
  3. Absolute Endangerment of Spiritual Life

Absolute endangerment of spiritual life. A spouse may constantly try to make it impossible for the mate to pursue true worship or may even try to force that mate to break God’s commands in some way. In such a case, the threatened mate would have to decide whether the only way to “obey God as ruler rather than men” is to obtain a legal separation.—Acts 5:29.

Yet, this was NOT so in my case.  Why would they try so hard to push me away from my mate?  Truly, I believe it was out of fear that I would begin to awaken and leave off serving Jehovah.

My friends were constantly reminding me that my spiritual life was endangered and the only solution was to separate from my husband.

Sadly, I understood the fear that motivated them.  For most of my life, I was told marriage could only succeed if Jehovah was a part of it.

Threefold cord” is a figurative expression. (Eccl. 4:12) When applied to marriage, it includes the husband and wife, two strands, who are intertwined with the central strand, God. Being united with God gives a couple the spiritual strength to cope with problems and to achieve happiness.—w08 9/15, page 16.

Truthfully, the fault lies with those issuing instructions and enforcing the teachings while disguising these as helpful advice.

I am glad I listened to my heart and common sense. I am grateful I fought to preserve my marriage in the face of conflict and change.  We spent time together each day, usually walking in the evenings. This helped to bring us closer.

Honestly, it wasn’t until my husband left that we began to have real, honest conversations. This helped me open my eyes to the truth about this harmful organization. I am no longer a blind drone obeying without thought or consequence.

Is my marriage built up? Am I happier now that I can communicate without fear? Do we have more time to spend together, which in turn strengthens our marriage bond?

Yes! My only regret?

That we did not leave sooner.

jane-redwood-signature

191 thoughts on “The Friday Column: Do Jehovah’s Witnesses cherish the marital bond?

  • November 28, 2015 at 5:37 am
    Permalink

    I just want to apologize. This article for the Friday Column was meant to go up yesterday (Friday!) but due to complicated circumstances I was unable to publish it on time. I’m sure once you read it you will agree that it was better late than never! Thank you, Jane, for a cogent, insightful look at the strain “fading” can place on a marriage thanks to the “us vs. them” black-and-white thinking of the organization.

    • November 28, 2015 at 6:43 am
      Permalink

      No need to apologise Lloyd as your regular readers amongst know how busy you are, especially with your house reform work (how’s that going by the way?)
      I watched your “giveaway” video last night and couldn’t believe the amount of nutters you get on there (Son of Thunder, for one). Don’t let those “Christians” get you down. Most of us value your efforts, even active JWs like me :)

    • November 28, 2015 at 12:05 pm
      Permalink

      No need to apologize but i hope you know how much we appreciate this site…

  • November 28, 2015 at 6:04 am
    Permalink

    Fantastic article Jane, you made the right choice. The Watchtower’s hypocrisy on this matter is quite stunning. They demand loyalty to the organisation at any cost, even riding roughshod over direct commands from the bible, like Jesus’ words at Mark 10:9: “what God has yoked together let no MAN put apart.” Of course, in usurping Jesus’ authority they violate just about every other principle and command in the bible too, and effectively invalidate themselves; they are guilty of everything he condemned the Pharisees for. It’s just disgraceful how many lives/marriages/families they are prepared to tear apart in their delusional quest for glory and self-promotion.

    • November 28, 2015 at 4:00 pm
      Permalink

      When the Watchtower imposes man made rules that supersede god’s directions (such as Mark 10:9) they are in effect teaching you to obey MAN (them) as ruler rather than God. They would rather tear a marriage apart and keep at least one member captive than risk letting two people think and decided for themselves things which, at the end of the day, are only between them and their god. I find it ironic that this direction is to be found in a book they call “keep yourselves in gods love.” !

      (I’m referring to this part of the article):

      “Now, divorce is only allowed if one of the mates commits adultery. But three extreme circumstances allow for separation. As explained in the book, “Keep Yourselves in God’s Love” Appendix:

      Willful Nonsupport
      Extreme Physical Abuse
      Absolute Endangerment of Spiritual Life
      Absolute endangerment of spiritual life. A spouse may constantly try to make it impossible for the mate to pursue true worship or may even try to force that mate to break God’s commands in some way. In such a case, the threatened mate would have to decide whether the only way to “obey God as ruler rather than men” is to obtain a legal separation.—Acts 5:29.”

      • November 28, 2015 at 9:39 pm
        Permalink

        Eric Arthur Blair. You said it all for me. You hit the nail right on the head !! It’s all about blind allegiance to the organization and abandon anything, everyone or anything else without due thought or consideration..whereas the scriptures say to prove all things and hold to what is fine..This lady knew she had a good and caring husband, and it was good that she did not allow herself to become deluded by misinformation into making a bad choice..most of watchtower policies are fantasy, whereas we lives in a world of reality.

      • November 29, 2015 at 1:26 pm
        Permalink

        Insightful comments, Eric. I have often related this to Jesus illustration about the wicked tenant farmers (husbandmen, KJV) at Matthew 21:33-41. When the landowner sent his son to collect his fruit, the tenant farmers say, “This is the heir. Come let’s kill him and take his inheritance!” Notice the goal: to get that which only rightfully belongs to the son.

        It seems to me that the organization wants to insert itself as the mediator between God and man, a position that only Christ can rightly claim (1 Tim 2:5). I think this is why Jesus has been pushed more and more into the background as this organization has developed.

        WS

        • November 29, 2015 at 5:31 pm
          Permalink

          Very true Winston, I completely agree and appreciate the application you make of Jesus’ illustration at Matthew 21:33-41 – the shoe definitely fits. It seems we are kindred spirits in pseudonyms also :)

          • November 30, 2015 at 7:11 am
            Permalink

            Yes, Orwell’s writings played a key role during my awakening from this organization. 1984 particularly so.

            WS

  • November 28, 2015 at 6:13 am
    Permalink

    Thanks for sharing your story Jane. My wife gets bombarded with ‘How’s Malachi? Tell him we miss him. We really miss his comments.’ constantly and the accompanying sympathetic, knowing look. I don’t think anyone has been so brash as to suggest that she should pack up and leave me, most of her associates are either family or close friends that have known us for many years and I think some suspect that something is up. What most don’t know is that she is planning her exit also and is trying to extricate herself from the old habits that formed with others over the years without looking too obvious. Fortunately she woke up really fast and while I’ve known for a number of years that it’s all a sham I just played along more or less until I found that there were a number of people locally who wanted out. Your article was very well written and researched and I’m sure others will find it useful also.

    • November 28, 2015 at 7:03 am
      Permalink

      I had this, too. In fact, at first I was devastated my husband stopped. I was bombarded with questions about him or comments like you mentioned. It made me cry. I just wanted someone to say they were happy to see me instead of “Tell him we miss him.” Finally, I changed the subject. I would say that he is fine and change the subject.

      Finally he told me I could tell ones he was taking a break from.religion. I started using this at the 2014 International Convention. But they would cry. It was hard. I wanted to br there but I didnt want to be a sidenote.

      I am glad your wife woke up. I hope to help ones by sharing my story of waking up after my mate left and how he removed the blinders without raising typical JW walls.

      • November 30, 2015 at 11:29 am
        Permalink

        People can be so petty. Just yesterday a sister came up to my son and said it’s so nice to see you we missed you. Mind you my son was gone for a weeks vacation and she was one vacation for two weeks. But she never even thought of the fact that she wasn’t there.

  • November 28, 2015 at 6:31 am
    Permalink

    The Wikipedia article on Jehovah’s Witnesses repeats some accurate insights about Jehovah’s Witness practice. In Section 8 (Criticism & controversy), 8.1 – Free Speech & thought, mention is made of people (including ex-Witnesses) who compare the Organization to George Orwell’s “1984” novel;as well as calling the Watchtower Society “totalitarian.”

    • November 28, 2015 at 6:39 am
      Permalink

      I just remembered (perhaps it subconsciously brought the novel to mind), in “1984” the totalitarian regime intentionally broke up a love affair between the 2 main characters.

  • November 28, 2015 at 6:38 am
    Permalink

    Thanks for a lovely article Jane and sharing your experiences. It really is a shame that there are so many judgmental JWs in a religion that professes love. Marriage is a divine institution so both mates should work hard to preserve it in spite of thoughtless, harsh comments from JWs with a shallow view of life and little respect for God’s gift of marriage.
    Hugs for you both. AJ

  • November 28, 2015 at 6:39 am
    Permalink

    Do you remember the vow “What God has yoked together let no man put apart”. It gives the idea that no one should intervene or interfere in another person’s marriage. Seems these men want to sanction their own opinion. If a couple do separate it must be their choice no one elses. Too many people want to put their own spanner in the works. Jane I liked your article very much because the aim of your “friends” seemed ambiguous especially if they wanted to assist you in leaving your husband by helping you pack. That would be in direct opposition to the above mandate in the marriage lines. Suffice to say you personal situation gave the vultures plenty of gossip to feed on so you did a public service by allowing them to feed on your life. Funny how we become public property when going through trauma or crisis or just major change. It is all too incestuous for my liking because there is no such thing as a private life so there is no way to dignify another person. Shows me they are a shallow fleshly lot of people. No one who considers anothers right to a private life would deign to be so intrusive. It actualy shows the devi lhas work for idle tongues and hands. No wonder the nickname godbotherers sticks. Gadding about the houses with sodall to do but intrude on other peoples lives. Generally jws should go and get a proper job and butt out of other peoples marriages ruthless/ruthlee.

    • November 28, 2015 at 6:49 am
      Permalink

      Totally agree Ruthlee. As an elder it wouldn’t even cross my mind to stick my nose into someone else’s family business. I go by the UK Police’s policy: ‘never get involved in domestics!’ ;)
      We are there to provide spiritual guidance and wellbeing, nothing more. When it comes to real problems (health, psychological, depression etc) then those are best left to the professionals. If a couple experience marriage problems then there are professional counsellors for that too and I can guarantee you that THEY won’t gossip about confidential details to their wives or other family members!

  • November 28, 2015 at 6:44 am
    Permalink

    Wow, thank you for this article!
    I forwarded this on to my wife and asked her if this has been her experience. (I’ll hear later today, I’m sure).
    I know that her elder-father and his wife definitely pressured my wife to leave me using his God-given authority because I intercepted many of his emails to his daughter, my wife.
    My wife has returned and I know that she would agree our marriage has also never been better since I left the JWs. Hopefully she will start to put things together in her mind and by seeing that this is an organization wide ‘problem’, she will be able to avoid this pressure in the future!

  • November 28, 2015 at 6:50 am
    Permalink

    Hello all.
    This story is a carbon copy of my own. I lost my wife, my children, my friends, my home.and life as I knew it. I left watchtower and I had no inkling that I would loose everything. The love that watchtower preaches is conditional. Let no one be in any doubt as to this. They wreck families and leave a trail of desolation in their wake. Watchtower is nothing more than a cult that uses undue influence to an extreme. I hope that it and all other belief systems will be eradicated from the earth. Religion is a blight on mankind. It is for those not able to grasp the fact that death is the end. Belief in something without evidence that it exists takes naievety to its highest level. The word ‘belief’ should be.removed.from usage. The Universe is 13. 7 billion years old. Earth is 4.6 billion years old and we are here because of natural selection by evolution. This is a proven scientific fact. The first destruction of Jerusalem by the.Babylonians took place in 586 bce /587 bce. This is another fact and like evolution is backed by evidence. There is absolutely no evidence for a god of any kind. God did not create man, man created god out of primal fear and superstition. All religions are bad, no redeeming features in any. Ask any of them for solid evidence to back up their outrageous claims and you will find that none exists.
    Jerry

    • November 28, 2015 at 1:53 pm
      Permalink

      well said jerry…

    • November 29, 2015 at 7:56 pm
      Permalink

      Religion is an invention of man, not God. Being spiritual with a belief in an intelligent creator is different from being religious, which is nothing more than following the traditions of men. Believing that everything came from nothing takes much faith, as there is no evidence to either prove or disprove God’s existence.

  • November 28, 2015 at 8:03 am
    Permalink

    I was married young as a JW (not uncommon) around 19. My wife had the dream of fulltime pioneering. I worked hard and became vey adept at finance and by 25 was running my own financial institution. This allowed her fulltime pioneer and not work. She was used for assembly parts, conventions, etc.
    I however was constantly chastised for focusing on secular work. Working 50+ hours a week. I would average 8 hours a month service time. But I was constantly felt to be second class and below everyone. The first year my wife and I were smooth sailing. She was reaping all the benefits and life was good! But I became under scrutiny when I would miss on average two Thursday night meetings a month simply because I was too tired. I would be tied in by phone. We owned a simple middle class house – she had a nice car and I had a used one. Money wasn’t exactly flowing – but most families require dual income these days to operate. We did not and we were at about the same level as your average JW.
    In my heart I had no desire to pioneer. Zero. I found the ministry intrusive, awkward, and generally a huge waste of time. Especially when I would work long hours the last thing I wanted to do in my time off was hear some loopy old sister in the car ramble on about how many cats she would have in paradise. And if the new scrolls that would be opened would allow her animals to be resurrected.
    I had many good friends in the hall – brothers – who I would spoil with grill offs, movie nights etc. Simple but a way to give poor brothers a chance to just relax. Well this all culminated to a head when the new CO came around and brought me and my wife into a room. He berated me with scripture after scripture about how I was storing up treasures on earth, how I was buying my way into paradise by using my wifes pioneering as a meal ticket, and how I was a “Fulltime pioneer of being good time charley.”
    This taking away of power and belittling me had a bad impact on my wife. She began to demand I aux pioneer too. And not be viewed as materialistic. It was amazing to me in about six months she had a total “Us vs you” mentality. Anytime I would sleep in on Saturday while she went to work I was given the cold shoulder the rest of the weekend. You can imagine trying to reason and the arguments that came about when the very job that was supporting her JW lifestyle was also the problem. Fast forward two years later – we are sitting before two elders and I lay down the smack. “You want change? Fine. She needs to quit fulltime pioneering and get a job so I can step down to a lesser position to lessen my work hours. You either keep it the way it is – or we both change our lifestyle.”
    There was a marking talk on Husbands who even within the congregation endanger their wives spirituality. The elders felt I was being selfish and robbing her of her dream and stealing from Jah. They began sending her articles on separation and eventually she moved in with another sister. Unbelievable. The mental turmoil I felt during these years was unreal. My happy, emotional, sexually normal and productive marriage had been slowly eroded to “Sell all your possessions – find a way to pioneer like your wife – and leave it in Jahs hands. Until then – you have been marked. ” We stopped talking, seeing each other, and she would always say “I hope you figure this out before Armageddon.”
    So even within the congregation – the us vs you mentality can hit home. It certainly did for me. Is my situation the norm? I have no idea – but there were three elders who never once were reasonable – respected my headship – or stood with my decisions. Decisions I might add that were none of there business to meddle in.

    • November 28, 2015 at 8:07 am
      Permalink

      I meant when I slept in on Saturday because of working and she went out in service. Oops!

      • November 28, 2015 at 8:27 am
        Permalink

        sure you did.. you just waited until she went out the door and then ran round the house in your boxers and played on the Xbox ;) lol. seriously though, that is terrible what they put you through. I can’t remember you saying if you and your wife are back together I hope she saw what was happening and woke up. Big hug hun.

        • November 28, 2015 at 8:55 am
          Permalink

          I will also never forget getting into arguments because I refused to go out in service on Thanksgiving and X-Mas day. I was like “Good lord! That’s so tacky!”
          and then yes I would play X-box. lol

      • November 28, 2015 at 10:57 am
        Permalink

        Dear phoenix rising damned if you do damned if you don’t your crazy crazy story just shows the pressure the poor elders are under to bankrupt any one successful and generally working hard to provide. And of course that poor dear circus overdub has to keep the minions in check and berate you for being a good citizen and honourable husband. Guess what phoenix, if you had been a nasty man you probably would have got in the year book but being a good man they had to trample on you. Your foolish wife did not know how good she had it . Her freedom to knock doors all day at your expense and yet it all got sabotaged and all for what? Who won in your war who walked away happy in their victory? Your experience is wrong on so many levels it truly is beyond belief. The wicked moral guardians are shameful and disgraceful. I hope you got your life back on track and are happy now.On a last note the victims in this war have all lost something and now it is all coming out I wonder if there was ANY truth with this cowboy outfit! ruthlee

    • November 28, 2015 at 10:44 am
      Permalink

      Hi Phoenix, So sorry they put you through that. You might want to look at my post…as an older person who did have a husband who put concerns about making money aside because Armageddon was so close. That was 40 plus years ago. Let’s skip ahead to 2015… no Armageddon and no savings for retirement! We’re up the creek without a paddle! I’m sorry for your loss but I’m glad you didn’t do what we did!

    • November 28, 2015 at 3:55 pm
      Permalink

      Wow dude.
      Read your story.
      I feel really bad for you.
      So glad I’m outa the cult.
      It sounds like you’ll have to get tough… take a real stand and see where the chips fall.
      Best wishes
      G

    • November 28, 2015 at 4:13 pm
      Permalink

      Well for one thing I can read between the lines is that you have an attitude problem with the females. What is this power that you think you have? And why do you feel belittled?
      I am no longer a JW and my husband woke up to the sexist ways of the JWs. I don’t believe in headship, two way respect is all that’s needed in any relationship.
      The little old ladies you are using as your example of annoyance might have lost children and long lost loves along the way, she might very well put all her love into her little animal companions, but why criticise her and why are you picking on a little old lady, why don’t you use as an example the old fart men who suffer enlarged prostates, flatulence, sits with their legs apart, and then has the audacity to perve on a young sister walking past?
      I suspect your problem is not only interfering JWs but your own lack of relationship with your wife, stop seeing yourself as top dog and the all important male and just become a nice respectful person to yourself and those around you.

      • November 28, 2015 at 4:54 pm
        Permalink

        ^ this lol
        I’ll respond later. But thanks for your thoughts. For the record I feel sisters or women are treated as second class in all ways in the JW. Read between the lines indeed – You might find one between a ring finger and a pointer with a judgemental responses like that.

      • November 28, 2015 at 5:58 pm
        Permalink

        Hello Jo,
        Lol I so laughed at your comment, I too noticed the seeming importance of power and headship . But I so relate to your example of these old bastards of Elders and Ministerial Servants who constantly pass judgement on the sisters, they make you sick. as far I can read in the bible, man has been to his own ruin it’s just amazing how forgiving the females have been , I suppose we are always hoping they will change, lol, yeah right, fat chance!

    • November 29, 2015 at 5:22 am
      Permalink

      Phoenix_risin, let’s hope your wife wake up to critical thinking just as Jane did, and to realize that she are being conned into obeying wicked sinfull men rather than God And Christ. For it was Christ who empathize to the deluded Pharisees that what God has yoked together no man should pull apart.Thus in this as in so many instances.watchtower directives goes contrary to the very teachings of Christ. I hope she soon come to realize that you were not the problem in the marriage, but that the real culprit was the undue influence and indoctrination of watchtower’s pharisaical spin doctors.

    • November 30, 2015 at 1:40 am
      Permalink

      Oh pheonix_rising. That experience kind of sounds familiar. This article makes you realise how much manipulation went on in marriages. How many Watchtowers did we get that explained that a married man with children should be not only reaching out for a position but also to be conducting the family bible study every week.

      My husband had so much trouble with this for some reason. I think he didn’t like the idea of having a separate night just for bible study with the family. There was so much time dedicated to everything spiritual, it was one extra burden he had to think of. He felt burnt out after awhile and refused to do it, so I berated him for this. The Watctowers always encouraged this endlessly. They were obsessed about it. I feel so bad now when I think about it. It raised awful arguments which were very distressing for both of us. We fought about it for years. I even remember thinking he had become some sort of failure. That is so evil to feel like that about your mate without cause.

      I cannot believe how pushy they were to be judgmental and bossy with our spouse. The whole religion was just criticism and dobbing someone else in. They certainly tried very hard to break up marriages. Yours is a classic example. They interfered with what God said that no man was to put apart.

      What a horrendous situation you had to put up with. It must have been unbearable and to have your marriage snatched away from you by these evil people is beyond belief.

    • December 2, 2015 at 3:48 pm
      Permalink

      @phoenix

      I can relate. I encountered the ire of local body of elders when I asked for assistance (my part-time jobs were not earning me enough to pay bills), so I focused on getting full-time income (my expenses were already at the bare minimum, and Swaggert had not afforded JW’s the luxury of “free” literature). Roll forward a few years, and I had another elder body jump all over me for having a full-time job–and, I had stretched to “waste time” knocking on empty doors and Bible-rooted Christians (not budging from the Cross) and hit all the “typical” non-pioneer times prior to pioneering (“the joy”? yeah, right–).

      It’s was “a paradoxical situation from which an individual cannot escape because of contradictory rules” [not wanting to leave anyone lost and confused on word–“Catch 22”], and that was when I realized the absurdity about the Truth (TAATT, Copyright 2015).

  • November 28, 2015 at 8:17 am
    Permalink

    I had to smile and nod my head at this article. My daughter married out of the truth and had a baby. Both of these acts led to her being df’d for close to two years. She came back because she missed her friends, nothing more. But now the visits have started. Every Saturday morning the elders and their wives can’t seem to hold their bladders whilst out in service and come knocking on her door – as you can imagine this is getting annoying. Last Saturday, as per an elder knocks on her door with his elderette in tow and the conversation gets around to her ‘not keeping your promise to perform your sacred duty and be out in service’…. yadda yadda yadda…. anyway they then start to turn it around to her husband and how he is keeping her away from the meetings and service and she must put God and them first…. as you can imagine when I saw her later that day she was livid. Did their visit encourage her to do more? Not a cat in hells chance. It made her dig her heels in and vow to not be home on a Saturday am. Now this ticks me off because it means we have to leave the house (I live in the suite and always leave on a Sat am) so as to avoid unwanted guests. This is upsetting her husband as you can imagine. He like to lounge around in his ‘shorts’ and play xbox (sigh’s) as they do lol.

    p.s My son in law had put up ‘his’ Christmas tree the night before.

    • November 28, 2015 at 5:20 pm
      Permalink

      No JW wants to think, or allow themselves to think people dislike service and meetings. They naturally assume it must be an Unnatural force like Satan that controls the person. If you don’t attend meeting IT MUST be the unbelieving mate, Satan or some other person as no one would hate this foolish life of perpetual monotony.

  • November 28, 2015 at 8:22 am
    Permalink

    Can’t these guys leave people alone for once to make personal decisions?
    Why do they always contradict what they write?

  • November 28, 2015 at 8:34 am
    Permalink

    This the the exact story of my life. I married a 3rd generation JW, he left in 1961 following the birth of our first child……..I was devastated. The elders warned me he would have 7 demons move in on him………I was in spiritual danger. They tried to break up our marriage. Thank goodness it didn’t happen. I left in 1986……stayed much too long. Didn’t want to hurt my JW family. Now they don’t speak, I am apostate worthy of death.

    • November 30, 2015 at 4:14 am
      Permalink

      no you are not! you are a sucess story no matter how long the story took to unfold.ENLIGHTENED if you still believe in god(your choice of course) you actually stuck to the divine mandate to stay together as you both made the vow , not the people who witnessed your marriage. By the way how are those demons who set up home in your place all those years ago? I bet you have had to make endless cups of tea to satisfy their need to intrude in your life! So thinking of it you are not worthy of death just the opposite but a life of a few regrets like all of us but life just the same. ruthlee

  • November 28, 2015 at 9:45 am
    Permalink

    I think it just goes to prove that all JW relationships are conditional. Many JW men I knew were big-time control freaks and there’s nothing loving or kind about a control freak.

  • November 28, 2015 at 10:22 am
    Permalink

    Hi Jane, Thank you for the lovely article. This issue is something that I’ve given a great deal of thought to. I began my exit in the spring of 2014. It was then that I started to realize how WT teachings affected our 40 plus year marriage, and not in a good way. What led me to this conclusion was the fact that when I stopped all JW activity, I expected our marriage to get even more difficult. We were both JWs, but our marriage was filled with anger and resentment. At times I even felt like I hated my husband! But much to my surprise, he started to be noticeably nicer to me. I figured out that maybe some of it was ‘love bombing’ but the main reason was because he didn’t feel responsible, as my ‘head’, to control my behavior. There are no instructions of how to be a head of a family in real life and my husband would lean toward the extra fanatical application of things. That’s his personality. But it would not have been an issue if WT didn’t convince him that he had to control all decisions and actions of his wife in order to not be held accountable before God at Armageddon. He felt this responsibility very deeply.
    A couple of examples: Our childbearing years were around the 1975 date. It was drummed into our heads that having children would show a lack of faith in God’s promises, that it was not the time to be having children. However, I desperately wanted children. We did finally have one child in 1983 but I wanted one or two more. We fought about this so much and for so many years. It was horrible. He was so cold hearted about his refusal. I thought of leaving but of course, as a good JW, leaving your husband in those days was not an option! He’s not much of a communicator so he never came out and said that WT had a lot to do with his decision, so I just thought he as a horrible, heartless person. When I left the org., I realized how much he was influenced by them and that he was a victim as well. That helped me to finally start to let go of the hurt and anger.
    Another issue was finances. He was convinced that to try to make enough money to have savings and a good life style was materialistic. Armageddon was coming in the next few months!!! So why paint the Titanic? He passed up some wonderful business opportunities to ‘simplify’, as WT says to do. We potentially lost hundreds of thousands of dollars. Now he’s close to retirement and we’re trying to scrape together enough cash to prevent our utilities from being shut off! We have nothing for retirement because we followed instructions from the GB and put our lives on hold because we were ‘so close to the end’.
    These things and other issues drove a terrible wedge between us and just about destroyed our marriage. So NO! I don’t think WT creates good marriages. In these and in many other ways, as you mentioned, they destroy marriages!
    One other thing I wanted to comment on was how WT misapplies Matthew 10:35,36. First all, he said nothing about coming between a husband and wife. And if you read the context, he was speaking about a time of persecution and how your own family could possibly betray you to authorities. He was not speaking about every day life. He did say to put him first, but the problem is that most of what the GB says Jesus wants us to do and thus we must throw our family away for, is simply the GB’s twist on his words and is not scriptural. They paint anyone who does not agree with them as mentally diseased apostates! If that won’t cause problems in a marriage when one person leaves WT, nothing will. And they blame the person who left, not their false teachings and policies. They are causing the problem, not the person who finally had the courage to stand up for what they’ve come to see is right. They seem to have skipped over the verses in Proverbs 6;16-19 where it says that one of the seven things that God hates the most is ‘anyone sowing contentions among brothers’!
    It was helpful to read what you experienced as the mate of someone who left the org. I’ll keep these things in mind when dealing with my husband. I know he has had to field many, many questions about me and why I don’t come anymore. I know people are bewildered why someone who had been a witness for over 40 years wants nothing to do with it anymore. He comes home from an assembly with a list of all the many ‘friends’ who want him to say to hi to me for them. And who knows what the elders ask about me. It must be very unpleasant for him, being put on the spot over and over again, and I try to keep that in mind. And as your husband did, I don’t try to stop or oppose him. I don’t want him to do that to me so I don’t do it to him. But on the rare occasions he has brought the subject up, I have answered honestly and held nothing back.
    I’m very happy for you and your husband that you both ‘get it’. As I mentioned, I feel my marriage has improved with just one of us leaving. I hope so much that he’ll just wake up one day. I can’t imagine how great that would be and the positive effect that would have on our marriage!
    Guess I just needed to vent! Take care.
    Mara

  • November 28, 2015 at 10:52 am
    Permalink

    I broke down in tears…. I informed my wife I have major doubts just this past Monday. She does not know I’m mentally out.
    Her reaction was sobbing and saying I ruined our perfect marriage…. And this is only because of questions that I said I had and after stressing I have no intentions of leaving her. I, me, personally am at fault for ruining our marriage??? Some how because I want to use my brain I am being tricked by Satan himself and are the cause of our marriage breaking down. Not the organization that trained her, brainwashed her, to react that way….

    I fear what happens when she finds out I’m mentally out as well and start making moves to physically remove myself. Her father is very authorative and will make moves to get her and my kids to move away.

    • November 28, 2015 at 11:07 am
      Permalink

      I can relate to your feelings.
      After thorough investigation to strengthen my faith, I concluded that I had to leave JW.
      When I told my wife some weeks ago, her reaction was the same. The shock is so big, she doesn’t know if we can stay together.

      Just be the best husband ever. As the bible says, your spouse can be won/converted without words, but by your behaviour.
      That’s my strategy for now.
      Don’t argue with her about your differences, it will drive you apart. Focus on loving her, I am confident the rest will work out in time.

      Good luck!

      • November 28, 2015 at 1:43 pm
        Permalink

        Wonderful attitude! I wish you success.

        • November 28, 2015 at 1:49 pm
          Permalink

          Good advice from anonymous. I wish you success, searchinglad. Sorry I didn’t make it clear.

    • November 28, 2015 at 11:38 am
      Permalink

      The shock is great at first. When he told me, I flipped out. I was crying. I saw my future everlasting life with my mate vanish. I was crushed. I even selfishly worried about how we couldnt have gatherings anymore. Just be patient. Giver her time. And try to spend quality time with her. We walked every night. See my other reply below. Keep us updated. Hang in there.

      I never thought I would leave. We were both born-in and very active. I pioneered for years and aux pioneered for years. My faith was who I was. But I did. 1 year later.

      Kindly- Jane

      • December 5, 2015 at 6:30 pm
        Permalink

        Thanks for your comment.

        Your words, together with my wife crying “you make me doubt everything”, and her deciding to try to stay with me gives me hope.

        Hope that one day she’ll say the same as you did.
        Hope that we can spend the rest of our lives without me being Satans tool in her eyes.
        Hope that we can raise our newborn without major differences in worldview.

        For now she increased her JW efforts (as I expected; that’s what happens when friends/family leave/are DFed).

        I’ll let her be and hope she comes around…

    • November 28, 2015 at 1:19 pm
      Permalink

      Searchinglad, what a tough situation. Anonymous’ advice sounds exactly right. I say flood her with assurances that you love her and don’t want to lose her or the kids, and that you have no intentions of impeding her spiritual pursuits. Maybe eventually add: There are many things about the Org that you believe simply could not be true if it had the backing of a wise and loving God. However, although you hope she asks you one day about those things, you don’t intend to try to sabotage her faith.

      I don’t know. It “looks good on paper” anyway. I’ve never been in that situation, so please at least accept my moral support. I wish you the best (and you too, Anonymous).

  • November 28, 2015 at 11:01 am
    Permalink

    I just quit, my wife didn’t.
    She really is heartbroken but wants to fight for our marriage.
    Hopefully in one year she’ll be in the same position that you are now…

    • November 28, 2015 at 11:31 am
      Permalink

      I hope so, too. I was heartbroken when my husband quit. I broke down in tears for weeks. I would cry in my car after the meetings before returning home. I was overwhelmed by how many would ask about him or all of the advice given. The best thing that helped me wake up is that we walked almost every night. We talked. He never attacked the organization. He was humble. On many occasions he said that he may be wrong and hoped he was wrong and if I could prove it, he would listen. I began to research their literature. He would very carefully mention how he felt. I encouraged him to talk to me. I knew it was his feelings and he had a right to feel how he did. He said he was taking two steps back from religion and the organization. But he never shoved any apostate information down my throat. Rather he encouraged me to go to the meetings. Even when I started waking up, he didnt want me to quit for him. I had to be sure. So I would not be bitter. The first thing that happened is I wasn’t being invited out or included and I was very active. And when I saw that my husband lost all of his friends of 47 years without any concern, it affected me – even the elders did not visit. A ton of things I kept to myself. The elders even asked me if they should come, when and what should they say. Really? As a victim of abuse by a JW mother, I was affected by him telling me about the Candace Conti case. I looked up the court documents as they were not apostate. It was a kick-in-the-gut to learn the two witness rule, that left me being abused, was a policy and not a mistake by my local, elderly brothers.

      I hope this helps give you some ideas. If you have a FB acct (or set one up with an alias as we did) feel free to friend us or message us for advice. John Redwood would love to give some tips.

      As you can see, I have more to say and will continue to share so as to assist ones that left and still have a mate “in” the organization.

      Kindly – Jane

      • December 5, 2015 at 6:42 pm
        Permalink

        Hi Jane,

        Like I said above: thanks for giving me hope.
        And it’s good to know what your (and most likely my wife’s) feelings in this situation are.

        She has circuit meeting today, and she most anxious about everyone asking about me.
        I offered to come with her, but she feels that’s strange since people heard I left…and there I am.

        Anyway, I’ll keep an eye on this site.
        For now I don’t want to risk working with a fake FB.
        My wife hates the idea of me hanging out with (other) apostates.

  • November 28, 2015 at 11:03 am
    Permalink

    This really hits a nerve. My life has been shredded by JW meddling in my marriages. If my opinions differed from that of the elders, or whatever congregation members were making the most noise at the moment, they would go around me and tell my wife to act in harmony with their wishes, and not to cooperate with me.

    A friend is currently having a rough time in his marriage and they refuse to help in any way because the elders had advised him against getting married and, in their eyes, he put himself beyond help by disobeying the elders.

    It’s ludicrous and entirely unscriptural. They don’t respect marriage, and they don’t respect the family. The only thing that matters anymore is their stupid “elder arrangement” which they have convinced themselves lends the weight of Divine decree to every bit of counsel the elders give, no matter how ill-conceived or uninformed.

    Sadly, many times they try to impose their opinions in areas that are far beyond the knowledge they possess. Many elders are simple working class people of limited education. I don’t have a problem with that at all, but they should realize that getting the national average number of field service hours per month and being appointed as elders does not give them any special insights into treating depression (a rampant near-pandemic in the organization), alcoholism, marital problems, etc. While I claim no more than a layman’s knowledge of psychology, even a cursory study of psych’ reveals that much of the elder’s “loving counsel” is laughably ignorant of the complexities involved in counseling.

    When I was divorced, I asked an elder to help facilitate communication and, hopefully, save a marriage. He would not so much as make a phone call. Elders frequently will resort to saying that they hesitate for act for fear that they may be supporting me in erroneous behavior. Nothing like pulling your head into your shell and avoiding taking a stand on anything. Cowards!

    Much like the author of this article, my greatest regret is the fact that I didn’t get out sooner. The toll in grief, emotional pain, the costs of divorce and the frustrations of being treated unjustly tore my life apart a the seams and, even now, my relationship with my family is hindered and I live alone in this world; in great part because of the “loving counsel” of “God’s organization”.

  • November 28, 2015 at 11:36 am
    Permalink

    Re tara = I read your post with interest. Although I have never been married I have to say my experience to fading was the exact opposite to your daughters. I walked out the door just on 2.5 years ago after 40 years of been a loyal publisher. Not one elders visit and only 3 cong members could be bothered to knock on my door and find out how I was. Mind you 2 of those 3 people who visited they were out out in FS – so I guess go figure. Although I wanted nothing more to do with the religion (due to my research on the internet), I had never verbally expressed this and was just seen as an inactive publisher. It just strikes me as odd just to the lack of follow up they showed. Well Tara that was my experience with the JWs. Every time I hear of people been harassed and unwelcome visits I always like to mention this.

    • November 28, 2015 at 11:48 am
      Permalink

      That has been our experience, too. John left two years ago and myself, one. We just walked out, same as you. Not one visit from an elder. I was surprised. They didn’t even bring us the brochure this summer.

    • November 28, 2015 at 2:02 pm
      Permalink

      I was actually shunned the whole time my daughter was df’d. No one came to visit me until she was reinstated and then they started to come knocking… hypocrites that they are. In past posts I have given an account of things that happened plus the ‘oh we came to see how you are… oh by the way is it true you went to your df’d sons wedding’. They don’t care, they want dirt. I stayed home this am and went into a back room with the tv up and my granddaughter to play with. If they knocked I didn’t hear them. Just made sure the door was locked.

  • November 28, 2015 at 11:42 am
    Permalink

    Jane, thanks so much for sharing your experience.

    It highlights once again the difference between what the “official” line on a certain teaching might be (Marriage is sacred, stick with your unbelieving mate) and what the actual reality is in witness culture (So your mate is no longer a witness? Hmm, might want to pull the eject handles on that relationship.)

    I’m very glad you and your husband were able to come through this intact. I had to leave behind a girl I was dating and had pretty much fallen in love with when I left the bOrg. I was willing to be with someone who had different religious beliefs to mine. Her, not so much, but I know that sadly this choice came from the brainwashing and not the person she was inside.

    It’s sickening to think of how many broken relationships could still be whole and happy if it wasn’t for this cult. :(

  • November 28, 2015 at 12:00 pm
    Permalink

    Oh yeah! Don’t we all wish we left earlier…

  • November 28, 2015 at 12:13 pm
    Permalink

    Thank you very much for writing your life story Jane. And thanks to Jerry and Phoenix and others. The common stories we share are enough to make anyone cry. The devastation that results when an organization and its rules and perceptions are held higher than the human needs we all have, is inevitable. I wish I could share all these posts as well as Janes heartfelt experience with my family. I cannot. My mom, wife,( ex) and my kids are blinded as to the truth of what has happened to them. I also, have lost all. Thank god ( just an expression ) I have a few caring people in my life. The woman who I am now with is loving and kind and does not just love me based on my beliefs or religion. I also feel like way too many years went by before extricating myself from this bankrupt cult. I knew things didn’t add up some nice I was a young man. I always bought into the party line…Jah sees all and will fix things in his own time. Oh well..in the meantime way too many good families are ruined. Born in JWs are not raised to know how to handle real life. We are at a disadvantage. It’s good to know that we all are not alone. But…shared bad experiences are still bad experiences. I wish you all well and a good recovery from this mind numbing, careless and judge mental cult. Let’s keep supporting each other. It’s good to feel the compassion and love. Aloha

  • November 28, 2015 at 12:29 pm
    Permalink

    As a faded hidden elder this struck a real cord with me as I saw so many trying to use the spiritual engagement as an excuse to leave husbands.

    To me as someone who didn’t grow up in the cult I can safely say this religion hates marriage, especially of it’s not with two witnesses.

    Thank you for sharing your story.

  • November 28, 2015 at 12:34 pm
    Permalink

    Great article, Jane. I’m glad to know that things have worked out well for you and your husband, in spite of the barrage of attacks on your marriage.

    Losing one’s ability to think rationally is such a sad part of cult indoctrination. I mean, even apart from the faulty belief system that’s inserted into one’s mind, a person’s GENERAL thinking ability and judgment can become so terribly stunted as the rational part of the mind erodes. As a result, even when the cult’s own doctrine doesn’t prescribe some illogical conclusion, or some irrational, destructive course of action, the individual’s mind already leans in that direction.

    And then, there’s that other thing. The fact that a high percentage of cult members “wouldn’t have the sense God gave a goose” whether they ended up in a cult or not. (All present company on this site excluded, of course.) Those can really be some of the most dangerous ones. I’m sure we’ve all seen far too many stupid people in positions of authority hurt vulnerable, powerless JWs. Ugg, this cult has got to go.

  • November 28, 2015 at 1:28 pm
    Permalink

    The Watchtower changes regular people from human to emotionless drones that don’t care about all the bad that others endure. During a Thanksgiving Meal not one person mentioned Syria, Middle Eastern-Russian Crisis, the Belgian-French Massacre. All they said was:”

    “Dear Jehovah please watch over your people all over the Earth, please help those taking a lead in the preaching and please watch over the Governing Body.”.

    We had Average Jerry who committed adultery four times, and Daisy, she figured out how to drive all her men away once she tired of them or got bored. Jerry and Daisy both enjoyed privileges “holding microphones”, “lead builder”, “finance Kingdom Hall Big Dog” yet both of these Witnesses were the most wicked spouses ever. There’s a lot of Witnesses who stay together even though they hate each other, loveless fake relationships because their afraid of losing their social status these creeps think they have!

    The Elders overlooked one Elder’s indiscretions for decades, he and his wife had seven kids and after using her up and boldly proclaiming his “undying love” by running off with a 24 year old Pioneer. Since he was so good at gardening the Kingdom Hall Complex, his punishment was short, less than a shoplifter or teen who confessed to smoking weed!

    Only in the Jehovah Witness Religion can someone commit one of the worst sins and get back quicker than others who did not, divorce is prevalent and the poor sisters are left with such a poor gene pool of defective men! back among our ranks in one year. Only Jehovah’s Witnesses are the religion I’ve noticed on my four decades on Earth that must tell themselves constantly “we have the truth!”. Their marriage life shows the opposite, their treatment of family and friends defy’s all logic to believe if Jesus was around he would want a group of greedy, miserable and pitiful creatures so mentally disturbed!

    Add in how bad this religion is for mates who think, ones who use their brain! One mate who uses the Bible and words of old Watchtowers to prove its a Scam, that puts lots of pressure on already fragile JW relationships. Keep up your good work, your articles are busting, making cracks inside the Watchtower’s bronze-clay feet. Your site plus aided by so many Internet truths is turning most Witness kids away from religion entirely and JWs wanting to please their religious messiahs put additional stress on the martial bonds when one of the mates are willing to cut-off their child after decades of love. Thank you for writing such a touching article of truth!

  • November 28, 2015 at 2:10 pm
    Permalink

    And one more thing… I was in a bad marriage, overseer knew of it, told visiting District Overseer, he had a quiet word with me out witnessing one day he said ‘Hang in there it will all be over soon and to illustrate he told me how the Brothers at Bethel (Australia) were gathering names of Brothers who work in the utilities so they can make a smooth transition when the end comes in (Months now not years) and the power and water won’t go off… that was around 1974ish. Glad I didn’t take his advice I been remarried and totally happy now for twenty years. Why did we ever listen to these clowns?

    • December 1, 2015 at 2:04 am
      Permalink

      “……..he told me how the Brothers at Bethel (Australia) were gathering names of Brothers who work in the utilities so they can make a smooth transition when the end comes in (Months now not years) and the power and water won’t go off……”

      Always did wonder how those JW Armageddon survivors were going to manage……

  • November 28, 2015 at 2:45 pm
    Permalink

    Don’t let a cult break up anyone’s marriage.They have this nonsense that one leaves Jehovah when they stop going to meetings.They have it WRONG. When one stops going to meetings he or she is leaving the cult,not Jehovah.They put Jehovah in it because they want you to think otherwise.Its not Jehovah. Jehovah is not even involved with their nonsense.Remember it is them that says the orgination is the channel of God.No one else says it.They say it because they are trying to even convince themselves.That is the way a cult operates. They heap praises on themselves because no one else does.They are a homebreaking cult. CASE CLOSED.

  • November 28, 2015 at 2:47 pm
    Permalink

    Excellent article Jane. I was in Johns position and the Elders forced a seperation which broke our family.

  • November 28, 2015 at 3:42 pm
    Permalink

    Thank you so much for writing this article. I’m so proud of you and your husband. I’m in the same situation. I woke up about 2 years ago but my wife is still a firm beleiver. I’m following your husband’s example in trying to be the most loving and understanding husband I can. I still am a very morally upright person and I respect my wife’s choice to believe in what she wants. Unfortunately I don’t think she’ll ever come around. But that doesn’t change the fact that our marriage is better than it ever has been

  • November 28, 2015 at 3:46 pm
    Permalink

    Thanks Jane for your hard work on this piece and sharing your experience.

    My how the Borg changes. My father was THE congregation servant in the 1950s.(there was only one “elder” per congregation.

    Back then wife’s could only separate for an adulterous mate. As such, one sister in the hall and her kids received beatings and endless abuse by the husband……my father told her to separate but he was going against the organization… they couldn’t separate…..but eventually did…

    Ahhhhhhhhh……….. BUT the light got brighter and then there were several reasons you mentioned for separation . How many women were beaten or killed because of the watchtower’s BS policies?

    Common sense never trumps the GB. And the light always gets brighter.
    I live for the fall of this cult.

    Glad you made it out.
    Breath the free air.
    It’s wonderful.
    Garrett

    • November 29, 2015 at 9:36 am
      Permalink

      Yes the damage is done and the organization never once APOLOGIZED for their erroneous ludicrous policies.

      A mate HAD to be adulterous there were no other grounds for divorce. Even worse is that adultery was defined as a man sleeping with a woman. Vaginal intercourse ONLY. Which means that he could have anal intercourse with man or woman or have sex with a beast and she had no grounds for divorce.

      I made a whole file on these ridiculous definitions from watchtower. Sick sick SICK stuff.

  • November 28, 2015 at 3:57 pm
    Permalink

    It is always the witnesses off behavior and comments that awakens many. They don’t realize they are off. Why would you speak in another person’s marriage? I never allowed anyone to ask or say anything to me about my husband.
    It got you out of that system. I am happy for you. Thank you for sharing an intimate part of your life with us. Enjoy yourselves and stick together.

  • November 28, 2015 at 6:30 pm
    Permalink

    Great article. I’m happy for you both.

  • November 28, 2015 at 7:00 pm
    Permalink

    While not exactly the same as my situation, there are many commonalities. I became a JW in my late teens while still living with my non-JW parents. Of course, this caused a lot of tension in my family and often I would feel I was being persecuted by my none-too-thrilled parents. It is also a peculiarity of being a teenager that one feels one’s parents are being unfair, so I had a double whammy of issues with my parents.
    I lived with my parents for most of my 20s too. I couldn’t even begin to remember how many times people in my congregation told me things like “Satan is speaking through your mother,” or “Satan is using your parents to try to discourage you…” and I distinctly remember the worst instances: how at one midweek meeting I’d had an argument with Mum before going to the meeting and I was telling a brother about it and he said, “Oh well, Armageddon is coming soon and your mother will die and you’ll be rid of her.”

    I stormed away from him in shock. That, of course, was the worst instance, but the many years I was with my parents were peppered with instances similar to what the author has experienced.

    • December 2, 2015 at 1:24 pm
      Permalink

      @Sheree,
      It always amazes me how JW’s can so casually suggest that so many are slated for death. They even joke about it. Some drive through the more well off neighborhoods and fantasize about taking up residence in some of the large homes after the current residents are killed at Armageddon. They are so callous.
      Didn’t they ever read in the scriptures to love even your enemies? They have dehumanized all non-JW’s (and ex-JW’s too) which allows such a callous attitude. It is all too similar to the way Jews were dehumanized in Nazi Germany.

      WS

  • November 28, 2015 at 8:03 pm
    Permalink

    The following is my wife’s experience. (I had my own troubles with elders, including being marked, writing letters about me that were false, ad infinitum)
    She writes; My personal experience with Elders getting involved in my marriage is shocking. For 12 years I and my then spouse would end up in front of the Elders because of his violence in dealing with myself and my children. Every two years we would go and the Elders would “counsel” him about his tendency for violent fits of anger. At the end of that time the Police got involved and still I called the Elders to come help me. They arrived about 10 minutes before the Police and were witnesses to his arrest. Fortunately where I lived the Police automatically place a violence protection order/restraining order in place whether you want it or not. I specifically remember a Police Woman standing in front of me and she said, “You know it will only get worse. Do not remove this restraining order.” I thought about the previous 12 years and could see that she was right. It was getting worse. All those meetings with Elders produced nothing. A few weeks after his arrest my children and I went before the Elders to give witness to my now ex’s violence and abuse. Towards the end of our meeting, the Elders asked me to go to court and have the restraining order removed so they could help us “mend our marriage.” I was shocked that they would even ask since two of the 3 men were at my house when he was arrested. I told them “No, I can’t do that. If I do that he will be back in my home within 3 weeks and the same things would start all over again.” They told me that they only way they would help me is if I dropped the order since they didn’t want to violate the order by being a “go between”. Again I told them no. They concluded by telling me and my children they would not help us. And that is just what happened. They stopped talking to me or my children and even went as far as telling me not to come to the meetings if I had been crying because several found it distressing to see me so upset.

    Never, never, never allow the Elders to get involved in your business. Later as I was relating to my Dad what the Elders had said, he told me (he had been an Elder for many years) “I am glad you didn’t drop it and are getting a divorce. I have been afraid for years that he was gonna kill you one day.” Now, I am happily married to a wonderful man and he and I, together, have faded from the Org. There are other even more complicated reasons that add to why that is so. But that’s for another day.

  • November 28, 2015 at 8:09 pm
    Permalink

    I was reluctant to comment on this thread–not my cup of tea, but I will give some over-arching insights, namely, the “JW Commune of the Mind”. JW pride does not permit and counters with “we’re not a cult–we’re normal!! (obsession with appearing normal)

    Just look how we get married and have kids??” Lord, Lord, did we not marry and multiply in your name?
    However, if I trace parallel lines and line-up the Fundamental LDS (Jeffs), Islam, conservative fringe Christian churches and JW’s, I find one common trait–subservient requirement from women, right down to the requirement for head-covering. It may not be a burka, but many JW women and ultra-conservative Christian women will cover their head in church/KH, or while conducting/attending services.

    Underlining the tone of subservient women, I note that the women mentioned above were most “presumptious” in doling out advice–sort of like they were “women elders”? Perhaps the men-elders let their women-folk run amuck in this congregation (haven’t quite mastered the art of bare-knuckle dragging through the kingdom hall aisles)? Also note that special pioneers and other women are undoubtedly translating their pent-up sexual energies into full-time service; in short, there is something unspoken behind their eagerness to see the breakup of a marriage–another single female means less pitiful stares in their direction (“poor spinster, dear, can’t hold onto a man”). Dare I get in touch with my female-side and mention the Hollywood film (the classic or the remake) “The Women” where an ambitious female orchestrates a breakup of a marriage to be outclassed by other females to reunite the couple? In this case, Jane would have left her husband, the husband by some strange coincidence returns to the Faith, one of these “spinsters” picks him off from the penitence pew, and Jane is left wandering what the h—?

    Another facet of this, is the once-and-often highlighted dichotomy in Witness thinking–much to the delight of agnostics and atheist–where Jesus speaks of uniting families, and the Watchtower goes gangbusters with this, then Jesus contradicts and states He is here to divide families. Pretty ballsy of the Watchtower to put it in the same article for any family court attorney to pickup on it.

    In this tale of woe and triumph here, the elders were doing their part as KGB henchmen while the neighborhood block leaders (“sisters”) seemed to be all over the map with self-serving advice.

    In conclusion,
    https://youtu.be/0Rr-neHxc-g

  • November 28, 2015 at 9:49 pm
    Permalink

    Thanks Jane for sharing your personal but unfortunately not unusual and rare experience of life behind the curtain as JW.
    Glad that all worked well at the end in your case in hope your article will help many in similar situation.
    Ice is melting and global warming is real thus leadership of “our corrupt and unfaithful org.” loosing their footprint” thanks to site like this and articles like yours.
    Best regards and big hugs

  • November 29, 2015 at 12:03 am
    Permalink

    @phoenix_rising

    WOW!! What a nightmarish example of KGB-style BRAINWASHING, coercion and undue influence!! No offence dude, but your wife is obviously a weak-minded Bimbo and you’re probably better off without her. Though in all sincerity I do hope she comes to her senses.
    I posted earlier about comparisons of WT, to totalitarianism as well as to George Orwell’s allegorical novel “1984.” Don’t know if you’ve read it (synopsis on Wikipedia) but your experience reflects the story of the 2 main characters almost to a T (except for the threat of torture). Trust me though, your experience is not unique, in or out of the Watchtower Society. I have experienced a similar situation in “the World” (though I wasn’t actually married to the person). I can see how it went down, though. Just use simple “Alpha Male” psychology…You were being a “good guy,” having folks over for BBQs, movies and whatever, “sharing the wealth” so to speak. Naturally, this made you popular. Oh oh! Red Flag! Popular is no good in JW.borg if you’re just one of the peons! Only the elders (and their wives and kids) get to be the “Big Dogs”! Not to mention Mister Big Shot Superhero Circuit Overseer! Those Major Jerks obviously were threatened by your popularity, generosity and overall decency, and found a way to UNDERMINE you through the COWARD’s favorite technique: MOB CHARACTER ASSASSINATION.
    In conclusion, the Devil with them, and, I’m sorry brother, but if your wife doesn’t shape up, the Devil with her too — the INGRATE.

    • November 29, 2015 at 12:18 am
      Permalink

      P.S.

      As for Mr. Bigshot CO’s comment calling you a “Good-time Charlie” or whatever (whatever that is supposed to mean), it is in fact the Elders, Circuit Overseers, District Overseers, Governing Body, etc. who get a FREE RIDE through life, almost continuously enjoying a “Good Time,” living in comfort and luxury, eating the best food, being treated like Royalty and having their asses wiped EVERYWHERE they go, with the folks in the trenches paying for it all!!!!!!!!!
      So to Mister BIGSHOT, I say: The DEVIL with YOU, YOU BREATHTAKING HYPOCRITE!!!!!!!!!!

      • November 29, 2015 at 12:29 am
        Permalink

        P.P.S.

        Sticking your fat nose, your filthy fingers, and your stinking paws into other people’s lives tends to result in all those, and many other, appendages, being involuntarily amputated.

        • November 29, 2015 at 12:43 am
          Permalink

          P.P.P.S.

          @phoenix_rising

          You concluded by mentioning that the elders never showed you proper respect — Is that so surprising, in that one who does not respect oneself, is incapable of respecting anyone else?

  • November 29, 2015 at 3:32 pm
    Permalink

    This is how our story went when we woke up.

    Me (crying): I’m so depressed with this religion, I can’t pretend anymore. I don’t believe this s@*t anymore. I’m sorry but it has so many ridiculous teachings that are conflicting with the Bible & I might as well have stayed a Catholic. I don’t want to stop you from being a Witness but honey I can’t do this anymore. I’m so sorry, please don’t let me affect your faith.

    ( I hadn’t read any apostate stuff at this stage)

    My Hubby: I know you’ve been unhappy for years now. Every time we get ready for the meeting you suddenly get sick & I haven’t pushed you. I see the hypocrisy too & I don’t know how to fix it for us but I don’t want to stop believing in Jehovah. I’m going to stop going to the meetings for a while so that I can think things through.

    We stopped going for about 3 weeks, he stepped down as MS & told the Elders that he wants a break from the meetings to sort out his family (me). They came in 2’s over the next few weeks trying to “shepherd” us (8 all up). By this stage I started to read lots of Apostate stuff & bought Combatting Mind Control, the thing that stood out to me with the book was the lying as I had seen so many Witnesses lie over the years & it’s the one thing that irked me.

    The shepherding visits got a little heated at times because I threw all of my doubts to them (who is our mediator? the 2 witness rule? no beards, why? do non JW’s prayers get answered?). I kept the questions simple to see how honest they would be with their replies. I wanted my husband to see it for himself. I eventually told the Elders that they were treating me like a naive householder & that they were not telling truthful answers to my questions.

    I would say that I was marked after that because no one came around, all friendships ceased & I was avoided when I was out & about. My best friend wrote me an email to end the friendship in the nicest possible way.

    Meanwhile, they would take the opportunity to get hubby by himself, going to his work to try to con him in to going back but he could see through the BS by this stage. He said to me; “I never noticed before how much Witnesses lie & they don’t even realise that they’re doing it.” This was after we read Combatting Mind Control together & had discussed the lying a fair bit.

    Another thing that happened was one of Elders & his wife came to help us (we were close to). I could tell her eyes were gazing around the house to see if I had something satanic around the house but I didn’t say anything so I just let that drop. Later, when we were talking she mentioned something about my hubby still wanting to serve Jehovah so I said to her that I am not going to come between anyone & their faith, even my hubby but I will not let this religion come between my family at the same time. She knew how serious I was with my eyes.

    The rest just fell into place & now we say to each other on regular basis that were so glad we’re out. It just took stepping back & looking at the big picture without the bombardment.

    • November 29, 2015 at 4:36 pm
      Permalink

      Great story, Grace! I look forward to these happy endings becoming more common as the Org continues to unravel before the very eyes of its members– and the rest of the world. And give Hubby our best, as always.

      • November 29, 2015 at 8:13 pm
        Permalink

        Thanks JB,

        He said to say hi back.

        Love your comments BTW.

  • November 29, 2015 at 5:55 pm
    Permalink

    Yes the society messes family up and messes couples up and ruins marriages. My sister’s son-in-law is disfellowshipped. He is bi-polar. This is the third time he has been disfellowshipped for the same thing, alcoholism. In the past he has tried to commit suicide. He barely survived that. But he is alive. He is manic depressed. I’ve never seen anyone so depressed. I notice it is as if my sister is turning her back on her daughter as well as her son-in-law because that is her daughter’s husband. My sister said to me she wont have nuttin’ to do with him. I told her she needs to keep communication open with her daughter about her son-in-law and keep her ears open in case her daughter may need help. Brain washed JWs are so stupid. Their common sense is taken away. Jesus Christ didn’t hate the people who were misled but he sure did hate the people doing the misleading. (pharasees) I’m frustrated with my sister. She chooses to be blind. She chooses to be manipulated. She wants to be controlled. The GB are idiots and that makes my sister a moron for listening to them.

    • November 30, 2015 at 3:26 am
      Permalink

      Excellent point. There are too many people (and btw they don’t hafta be JW’s!) who do WANT to be controlled and brainwashed. It’s easier. Just let someone(s) else do all your thinking and life-decision-making for you. It’s easier and it FEELS safer and SEEMS less risky. What those FOOLS don’t realize is that the boneheads to whom they have handed over their lives to, are no smarter or wiser or knowledgeable or capable or competent than themselves. That’s why their “leaders” resort to spinning FAIRY TALES to lead the “sheep” by their noses. SAPS!

      • December 2, 2015 at 7:02 pm
        Permalink

        Excellent points Anonymous4. It’s a case of the “blind leading the blind.”

        WS

  • November 29, 2015 at 6:53 pm
    Permalink

    Why Reduce the Number of Special Full-Time Servants? (http://tv.jw.org/#en/video/VODStudio/pub-jwbrd_201511_4_VIDEO)

    Hello. Special Full-Time Servants (Bethelites, Special Pioneers, etc). The above video states the reasons for Watchtower is laying off brothers and sisters from full-time service. The Watchtower Construction work is the primary focus of Watchtower Bible and Tract Society. Preaching is second place. Can you believe this? Does this sound like something Jesus Christ would promote? Watchtower claims they will be sizing down construction projects. I know a project they need to size down. That is the Warwick project. This massively expensive project is huge expenditure for Watchtower. In addition, Watchtower claims that they have branches that are over 30 years old and need to be replaced. For real? Many people live in houses that are between 30 – 90 years old establishments. Buildings in large cities are over 100 years old and businesses are able to work just fine in those establishments.

    There are a couple of reasons why Watchtower has been having financial difficulties. Number one, is global construction projects. A home or business is the number one big purchases a human being can buy. The second is an automobile. The second reason is the high volume of legal lawsuits that are entering American court systems due to child abuse. The Jehovah’s Witnesses are the number one violator of child abuse. Over a 1,000 cases globally. These lawsuit settlements are taking a huge bite out of the financial stability of Watchtower.

    But, is that the mistatke of Full-time servants? Absolutely not! The Full-time servants have spent countless of hours devoted to Jehovah God. Some have decades of faithful service and the reward of such great efforts is Watchtower layoffs and a that-a-boy/girl from the Governing Body. They also want you to pray for Jehovah’s help.

    According to Watchtower, building of buildings is a form of sacred service. I have not heard of a building knocking on doors. A physical building does not talk to people. People talk to people. Personally, I feel that Watchtower’s construction is “dead works”. Also, this building work is a never ending dilema. With a 30 year construction cycle, it is never ending.

    If you agree with above statments. It is time for you Ex-Full-Time servants to take control of your life and move forward in a skill taught by a local community college or technical institution. If you need some help in finding a skill, please take a personality test and match the personality with a job. Make sure the job is relevant and in high demand. Most community colleges have guidance counselers that can assist in administrating a personality test.

    Also, there are some great books out there to take self-assement personality tests for finding a skill, they are “What Color Is Your Parachute? 2016: A Practical Manual for Job-Hunters and Career-Changers” (http://goo.gl/ePg3KW), “Do What You Are: Discover the Perfect Career for You Through the Secrets of Personality Type” (http://goo.gl/91RKOi), “The Pathfinder: How to Choose or Change Your Career for a Lifetime of Satisfaction and Success” (http://goo.gl/tGBWoB)

    Now is the time for you brothers and sisters to become a regular publisher and pursue your goals.

Comments are closed.